Is this too many chores for a 14 year old?

amother

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 8:52 pm

Is this too many chores for a 14 year old?

During the school year, he needs to clean up the floor of his room once a week so that it can be vacuumed (by me or by our cleaning lady). He also needs to put away 30 things in the playroom, most of which are not his, but there are definitely some things that are, also once a week.

He needs to put away his laundry after I fold it and put it on his bed. This might be 1-2 times a week, depending on when I get around to folding it. On Friday, he has four things to do: to empty his knapsack and put it away, put away any laundry I folded on Friday, take anything that is his out of a pile of stuff I cleaned up while straightening up the house before Shabbos, and set up my candles. (Each of my kids has one "extra" job, and this is his. It takes him about thirty seconds to do -- just remove the old tin holders, and put in new ones with candles in them.)

On Shabbos we have a rotation of who sets and clears the table. He sets the table for one meal, and helps my husband or I (or both) clear after another meal. In reality, that means one of us clears the table and he makes two visits to the kitchen holding whatever he grabbed.

Those are his only "chores" during the school year. When I list them out, it looks like a lot. But it feels like it's just touching the surface of what I want chores to address, which is 1) feeling like he has a responsibility towards the house, and it's not just Mommy's job to do all of the things that need to be done, and 2) learning how to do the things around the house that I want him to know how to do when he's living independently/married/whatever.

During the school year, things are busy. He actually doesn't really have homework (long story, that), but he does need time to decompress, and some of his siblings do have a lot of homework, so I stick to the above chores during the school year. But during the summertime, I have one additional twice-weekly chore rotation that I add on. The kids rotate between a laundry-related chore, a washing-dishes-related chore, a cleaning/organizing chore, and setting/clearing the table for dinner.

Laundry is not more than folding one load of laundry. Sometimes it's putting in a new load and switching another load to the dryer.

Dishes means emptying the dishwasher, or washing a not-full sink of dishes (as in, I do most of the dishes and they're usually washing whatever is left over -- so one meal's worth or less, and we generally use plasticware, so it's really just serving dishes and serving silverware).

A cleaning chore might be taking all the couch cushions off of two couches and vacuuming under them and replacing them. Or pulling a bunch of boxes off of a shelf, wiping under them, and replacing the boxes. I try to cater to what that specific child will be interested in -- some like organizing things, some don't but prefer to vacuum.

Each of these jobs happens twice a week. My husband thinks it's unfair and that's why my 14 year old is digging his heels in. I think I should have started the summer jobs consistently earlier (I did, three years ago, but the last two years I was lazy and didn't keep it up). After all, my 6 year old has no problem doing these! My other kids kvetched the first week of the summer and then got into the habit, realized that none of these chores take more than 15-20 minutes (and often more like 10 or less), and stopped giving me a hard time about. My 14 year old, on the other hand, is so resentful about it.

My husband hates the Friday jobs too. He rolls his eyes about the setting/cleaning up on Shabbos jobs. He didn't grow up with these, and he thinks they're not necessary and just setting us up for power struggles with our kids. He quietly watches while I enforce these, but I know he doesn't approve. Which is hard, since we're rarely on different pages when it comes to parenting stuff.

Am I really giving them (or rather, specifically my 14 year old) too much work? Keep in mind that he is home just hanging out for several hours in the afternoon/evening time, so it's not like he's trying to squeeze these in between homework or learning time or even friend-time or anything. He's just vegging.

tichellady

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 8:55 pm

sounds reasonable to me. I’m an expert but doesn’t seem like a lot to me

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:05 pm

My 8 year old is doing all that. I think it's reasonable and not a lot.

oneofakind

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:08 pm

So what's DH's plan? He doesn't like chores. Doesn't think his children should do chores. Is he prepared to pay for extra cleaning help? I think it filters down as not a "manly" thing to do.

gr82no

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:11 pm

Seems reasonable towards too little to me.
I really like your system.
I don’t think ur asking him too much

amother

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:14 pm

oneofakind wrote:

So what's DH's plan? He doesn't like chores. Doesn't think his children should do chores. Is he prepared to pay for extra cleaning help? I think it filters down as not a "manly" thing to do.

Nah, dh does this stuff if necessary. He works much longer hours than I do, so they're all typically my job, but if I'm under the weather, or pregnant, or postpartum, he takes over these chores until I'm up to it again. Not because I ask him to, but because we really are equal partners. And I have cleaning help.

Maybe that's why dh thinks they're not important. When he was a kid, he didn't have chores, and he's a great husband. So my kids will be fine too. The thing is, this kid specifically needs it, in my opinion. He feels no responsibility towards the household, gets resentful when asked to do anything around the house, and digs in his heels whenever someone tries to teach him to do anything. My husband was a model child who was always looking to help people, including his parents. There's really no comparison. I feel like dh just doesn't see that.

The chores are not to help me -- especially the summer ones. They're really to make my kids into responsible human beings who have the skills it takes to be responsible adults one day.

amother

Valerian

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:17 pm

Sounds 100% reasonable.
In my house my family knows that it takes all of us pitching in to keep the house running.

A few things to consider… not having your husband completely on board and supporting you may be contributing a bit to your sons attitude. Especially if he’s the only boy in the house and the rest are girls. Boys tend to identify with the father.

Sone kids have more difficulty carrying out their responsibilities/jobs than others.
Your son is struggling with his and/or is simply uncooperative.
If the goal is to get his cooperation then here are a few thinks to think about and maybe discuss with him.
Ask him, what’s your biggest difficulty in doing your job? (The amount of time or energy it takes? That you have to stop in middle of doing something? You don’t like those specific jobs?)
Which jobs are easiest/hardest?

Can you make a deal? Drop one of the jobs for a few weeks if hes willing to cooperates and does all his other jobs without being reminded/happily etc.

Ultimately you need his cooperation.
If you show him sone understanding (even though you don’t understand) and he knows you’re willing to work with him you may get more out of it.

Tell him you’ll reassess and discuss again in a set amount of weeks.

If things are going swell- yay. Acknowledge it verbally or with spending sone private time with him.

If it’s not then you’ll need to discuss consequences.

When one of my kids kept conveniently forgetting their jobs and had to be nagged I showed them what if feels like to me. The next time they asked me to get or do something for them I pointed out.. imagine if I ignored your request and didn’t get you what you wanted and needed… it doesn’t feel very good. Etc
I delayed my response to their request
Obviously age appropriately

Hatzlacha

amother

Hibiscus

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:26 pm

I don't think it's too many but the one I would be annoyed about if I was 14 is cleaning "30 things in the playroom" as the vast majority wouldn't be mine and I wouldn't think it was fair that I always had to clean up the little kids messes.
Instead, I would make it an expectation that he cleans up any game he is using when he is done/before bedtime and separately give a "household" type task more regularly.
Based on your post- I'm not sure if this is a problem area for him or not, it's just my feelings on the matter

zohar

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:36 pm

This doesn't sound like too much but if like to make a suggestion. In order to foster the feeling of responsibility towards the home, he needs a full job that feels accomplishing. Picking up 30 things from the playroom floor, and may still be a mess when he's done, doesn't feel like a contribution. Rather put him in charge of the whole room. Or have him vacuum his room after picking up so he can have the satisfaction of a clean room. Have him make a kugel. Not peel potatoes. Now he helped contribute to the Shabbos seudah

amother

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:41 pm

Thanks so much.

He's not the only boy. He's one of three boys and one girl who are chore-age. One of the boys is like my dh -- always looking for ways to help, kind of a "goody goody" disposition (for lack of a better way to describe it). The other is what I'd assume is normal for a boy. He might kvetch about doing it, but once he's in the habit, he'll do it if reminded. My daughter actually kvetches more than the other two about it, but she's younger (6). The others are teens and preteens.

I can't say that my dh thinks that all chores are ridiculous. Our conversations go something like this: "Aren't chores things that kids normally do just once a week? Like a weekly chore? Now they're doing the summer jobs twice a week, their Friday jobs once a week, and then cleaning their rooms and putting away stuff in the playroom once a week. Not to mention putting away their laundry when it's ready and also doing chores on Shabbos. Once a week is fine, but this is just too much!" And I don't know how to answer him. I had almost no responsibilities as a kid either. I was the youngest of a relatively small family and my mother was a SAHM who liked doing everything herself and didn't accept my help even when it was offered. So I honestly have no reference point, which is why I wanted to make sure that he wasn't right, that I wasn't giving them too much to do.

My son doesn't refuse to do his job completely. He just grumbles about it and says how stupid it is and he shouldn't have to do it. I'm pretty flexible on when it gets done, and ask for his input on which aspect of the job he'd rather I save for him.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 9:53 pm

My 9 and 11 year old have the same basic jobs as your existing list. My 9yo grumbles and my 11yo does it. But they have different personalities.
If my playroom is trashed then I ask them to clean it all up (much more than 30pieces) on a Friday or a Sunday and they can watch a short video if they are all ready for shabbos. The mess is not one they made, it’s done by younger siblings. They otherwise don’t get screen time so it’s a big incentive. And I thank them and tell them I appreciate.

naomi2

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:06 pm

Sounds reasonable for the year round ones but I think the summer jobs gets to be alot

#BestBubby

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:11 pm

Maybe let DS pick his chores? Perhaps he would rather do grocery shopping - or putting away groceries,
mopping the floor...

amother

Narcissus

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:33 pm

All my kids grumble at least a little about chores. It's ok, grumbling is not dangerous! I don't think your chores are too much at all.
ETA I wrote a lot more and then deleted when I realized your school year jobs include only the top. Definitely don't think either summer or school year are unreasonable.

amother

NeonPink

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:37 pm

I was struggling with some of my kids and their chores. So I wrote down what had to get done on a daily/weekly basis and let them choose which they preferred to take care of. And bh they happily do what they chose because it’s the jobs they don’t mind. For example, one loves to cook but not bake so they help cook and prep food for Shabbos and prep vegis for during week. Anothe rlives baking and kids so they bake desserts and watch kids outside at times. Another one loves washing the floors so that’s their job throughout the house. Even my 2 yr old is involved he peels all peelable vegis for Shabbos

amother

Purple

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 10:43 pm

To me it sounds like kind of a lot. Also if he only sees dh pitching in once in a while if you’re not feeling well he may have received the message that housework is really for women.

amother

DarkOrange

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 11:31 pm

I think aside from the chores that deal with his personal room and laundry, let him choose his other chores. When I let my kids choose a chore there is no grumbling. When I choose something for them there is.

Moonlight

Mon, Aug 08 2022, 11:39 pm

I think it's very reasonable

amother

Brunette

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 12:03 am

Do you use the word chore with him? . I wouldn't use the word, it makes it seem like he has to do this bc he has to have a chore. I know you don't need the help and you're doing this quite rightly to educate him but maybe he needs to think that you do need the help and there is a purpose to what he is doing. As in do you say to him. I do a lot around the house, can you x, y, z to help me and also to show me you appreciate what I do for you. This is a chesed to the rest of the family and unless we all pitch in our house won't function well. I don't think it's too much, but it should be presented as I need you to take responsibility for something, not I want you to do a chore. (subtle difference I know)

dankbar

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 12:09 am

It's not a lot of work but he is 14 not 4. Seems like you are micromanaging and treating him like a kid. Like ordering him, now pick up 30 things, now put away your laundry. You are infantilizing him & that's why he is resentful. He wants to be independent & that how the power struggles start. It's his room, tell him you are not cleaning it. He is responsible to keep his room in order if not it's on him. Don't look back. He's not a little kid. It's his room, if he doesn't clean he gets to live in the mess. Don't say you must take off the wine glasses now. Just walk out of the room and tell him when I wake up I expect the dining room to be clean. Then let him do it his way.

Also let the kids figure out among themselves who does what, you don't give chores or care how it gets done, the main thing is the dining room has to get clean