My daughters hair is driving me mad!!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:22 pm

My 10 yo has long curlyish thick hair.

Layers have all grown out and its just getting loong and thick and doesnt look neat.
She wears it in a low pony but its drivinf me mad.

Looks 100 times neater when its cut and layered.
I always tell her will barely be off length, just layers will make it thinner and look neater and can she pleease have it cut but she really refuses.

Loads of girls in her class have shorter then her, its not a peer pressure thing... really irks me.

singleagain

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:38 pm

Curly hair often needs special shampoo and treatment. it reacts differently than straight hair.

Thisisnotmyreal

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:40 pm

Please respect the curls

Thisisnotmyreal

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:40 pm

Does her hair look after a shower?

amother

Molasses

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:42 pm

My daughter used to braid hers. Special shampoo and conditioner, and leave-in conditioner, and gel. (Look for something labeled for curly hair. ). The braid kept it from springing outward into a huge frizzy triangle🤣

BrisketBoss

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:43 pm

If you stop pushing, she may eventually decide on her own that she wants a 'neater' look. Or she may not. All of our family members are people who can make their own decisions, and I don't think it's fair to pressure them to be reflections of the way we would like to look and behave.

amother

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:45 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Yes, Im hoping for her to realise herself but she hasnt.
Shes 10!

This is not a tznius issue or similar, I was really hopimg Id have a say!!

Elfrida

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:46 pm

Mine was slightly wavy rather than curly but I also spent years refusing any suggestions my mother made about cutting, layering or otherwise styling my hair. I liked it long. And I hated having other people doing things to it.

As she gets older she might come round to your point of view, or she might not. As long as she looks after it, give her the autonomy of deciding how she wants it. Enjoy the money you are saving on not getting it cut.

Shabbosiscoming

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:48 pm

You can try asking her if she wants a trim before school so her hair looks fresh for the new year and stays healthy. More important on a day to day basis is how she deals with curly hair. Never brush curly hair when dry. Taking 30 seconds to spray her pony in the morning will revitalize the curls and help it look neat. (My daughter comes home with gorgeous hair after swimming every day in camp.)

zaq

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:59 pm

Your mistake was letting her hair grow long in the first place. I kept my dd's mane short till she was about age 11 or 12, by which time she was interested in styling, straightening, curling and so forth. Having a short cut until then did her no harm and did me a world of good.

You could consider sending dd to ballet lessons where she'll learn to put it in a bun.

But just to put things in perspective, it's just hair, and lends itself to change at the drop of a scissors. Maybe your dd just loves her hair and doesn't want to give any of it up. Maybe it's her way of rebelling (your opinion) or asserting her individuality (her opinion). So what? Choose your battles. It's just a messy not-a-hairstyle, not multiple body piercings, a full-arm tattoo, smoking pot or a 24-year-old boyfriend. Your dd hair is not unsafe or unsanitary, and while it may not be filling the pages of Vogue, it may not even be unsightly in anyone's eyes but yours. But if it is, what's the big deal? She's not in shidduchim (I hope), applying to college or looking for a job. In six months or a year or five, your dd may decide she wants a different look and shave her head entirely, or get a punk spike cut, or dye her hair blue--or she may decide that a French twist or a pageboy or a beehive is where it's at.

Making an issue of a non-issue is unwise.

amother

Lotus

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:59 pm

The most important thing is that she likes herself and how she looks and that she can develop get own sense of beauty. I know it's so hard but it's very to let it go.

amother

Cornsilk

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:01 pm

Short curly hair is the worst.
You can’t do anything with it and it just looks like a bush.

There are many ways to manage it.
Lots of conditioner. Brush it in the shower.
Braid it over night.
Brush the least possible in the morning.
Just do it with the hands.
If the front needs brushing back then just the front.

She can also wear it in a braid during the day and eventually open it.
The curls end up being really nice.

(I got a mane myself if you can tell and have tried it all.)

amother

cornflower

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:01 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

Please respect the curls

And the girl who has the curls. At ten she's no longer your baby doll to dress up according to your fantasies.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:09 pm

amother [ Lotus ] wrote:

The most important thing is that she likes herself and how she looks and that she can develop get own sense of beauty. I know it's so hard but it's very to let it go.

Excellent point. A parent who harps on and tries to "correct" an element of a child's appearance, does terrible damage to her psyche. It's bad enough that girls are bombarded from all sides by ads and magazines that imply that they ought to look a certain way and are ugly if they don't. They don't need to have these messages reinforced by their own mothers. If your dd thinks her hair is pretty just as it is, be glad! As long as your dd practices good personal hygiene and doesn't refuse to wash her hair for months at a stretch, let her be her and don't try to force her to comply with your idea of good looks.

vintagebknyc

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:38 pm

Curly hair is really tricky and at least now there is product: there is none when I was growing up and I have 3C curls.

Teach her about curls, research about the “curly girl” method, buy her some products. NEVER let her brush her hair unless it’s wet.

amother

Linen

Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:38 pm

Shabbosiscoming wrote:

This! I wish my mom had known this when I was growing up. I didn't realize how much less frizzy my hair would be if I only brushed it when wet. Also using conditioner makes a world of difference. And please don't cut curly hair short. It is best slightly longer as the weight makes the hair slightly straighter. Short curly hair tends to just turn into a bush and can't do anything with it.

mitzva

Mon, Aug 22 2022, 1:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

if you live in Brooklyn, visit Ben Simon on Kings Higway.
they know the scientifics of hair and their products and instructions could make your daughter look
beautiful.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Aug 22 2022, 1:20 pm

zaq wrote:

Gotta love you for this post!!

amother

Amber

Mon, Aug 22 2022, 1:52 pm

As someone whose mother hated my hair and forced me to cut it so short that I looked like a walking human pencil (short hair. tall, lanky human) please don’t do this to her. To this day, I cannot look at pictures of myself at that age.

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