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How to explain what’s wrong?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 2:54 pm
I have just had a weird situation with my daughter.
She is 12. We were traveling as a family and having quite an adventure. Everyone was in a good mood though. My relationship with her really felt great, like we are best friends.
We finally arrived and went to eat in a restaurant. She was sitting next to me. By the end of the meal I felt dizzy and wanted to eat some more so I ordered one more item.
In the meanwhile my family members were done and they left the table to take care of my kvetchy baby.

As I felt dizzy I didn’t want to keep bowing down to fish money out of my bag so I placed my handbag on the chair next to me where my daughter had sat. But she had already finished and benched by then. As I received my food, my daughter came back. Two more of my kids were finishing their food, the rest of the seats at our table were empty.
My daughter came and saw the handbag. She said, the handbag was on her chair, and expected me to move the handbag. I thought it was weird since there were enough of other chairs. I asked her to take a different sest and she said she won’t. Why? Because it’s her seat. I am really dumbfounded, „we are in a restaurant, no seat here is yours“ meanwhile she squeezed her tush next to my bag on that chair.

I was so shocked because I feel it is so socially off and unfitting. Imagine you are having a friendly dinner with adult friends and someone starts to make a fuss about „their“ chair in a room full of chairs.

So we came back and I asked respectfully why was it important to do it? Was it the petty middle school nonsense she pulls with her friends or was it really important for her? Just trying to understand.

She said it was her seat, her glass of water was still there and just as she could seat elsewhere, I could put my handbag elsewhere.
She thought it was fine that she squeezed herself onto a chair. While that doesn’t make much of a difference to me, I am just appalled. I tried to explain that no adult would do that, that it doesn’t fit into the atmosphere of the evening but I think it didn’t click.
How can I explain this nuance to a 12 year old? I think if a grown up did it, people would just shrug their shoulders and label her a weirdo.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:07 pm
This seems like the time to model graciousness. When you really think about it, she probably doesn't need a talk in order to avoid becoming an adult weirdo. She is only 12. And you probably wouldn't say the comment that you said, the "we are in a restaurant one," to an adult, so I guess I just don't see the real world training here.

And finally, if I leave the table and someone puts their bag on my chair, I would find it 'socially off' if they don't move it when they see me approach!
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Jello




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:09 pm
She's 12. Nothing here is shocking me. She'll grow up.
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amother
Jean


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:15 pm
I would have explained on the spot what her options are. I would have said you can move the bag to another chair or you can move your drink and sit in another chair. And then I would have gone back to eating and let her figure it out. I think the best thing in these situations is gently guide them to the right answers and let them problem solve.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:18 pm
You were being just as petty as her.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:21 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have just had a weird situation with my daughter.
She is 12. We were traveling as a family and having quite an adventure. Everyone was in a good mood though. My relationship with her really felt great, like we are best friends.
We finally arrived and went to eat in a restaurant. She was sitting next to me. By the end of the meal I felt dizzy and wanted to eat some more so I ordered one more item.
In the meanwhile my family members were done and they left the table to take care of my kvetchy baby.

As I felt dizzy I didn’t want to keep bowing down to fish money out of my bag so I placed my handbag on the chair next to me where my daughter had sat. But she had already finished and benched by then. As I received my food, my daughter came back. Two more of my kids were finishing their food, the rest of the seats at our table were empty.
My daughter came and saw the handbag. She said, the handbag was on her chair, and expected me to move the handbag. I thought it was weird since there were enough of other chairs. I asked her to take a different sest and she said she won’t. Why? Because it’s her seat. I am really dumbfounded, „we are in a restaurant, no seat here is yours“ meanwhile she squeezed her tush next to my bag on that chair.

I was so shocked because I feel it is so socially off and unfitting. Imagine you are having a friendly dinner with adult friends and someone starts to make a fuss about „their“ chair in a room full of chairs.

So we came back and I asked respectfully why was it important to do it? Was it the petty middle school nonsense she pulls with her friends or was it really important for her? Just trying to understand.

She said it was her seat, her glass of water was still there and just as she could seat elsewhere, I could put my handbag elsewhere.
She thought it was fine that she squeezed herself onto a chair. While that doesn’t make much of a difference to me, I am just appalled. I tried to explain that no adult would do that, that it doesn’t fit into the atmosphere of the evening but I think it didn’t click.
How can I explain this nuance to a 12 year old? I think if a grown up did it, people would just shrug their shoulders and label her a weirdo.


OP did you explain to her why you wanted your handbag there? Because otherwise I totally get your daughter
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amother
Foxglove


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:30 pm
No, an adult wouldn't do that. And she's very far from an adult. Very very far.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 3:35 pm
Oh gosh. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I'm a full blown adult and if that happened to me I'd probably move and then feel rather miffed that you took my spot for your handbag.
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amother
Quince


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 4:45 pm
By refusing to move your purse, you so much as told your dd that you don't want her sitting next to you anymore. You put a great big RESERVED sign on that seat. Kids set great store by this sort of thing. Don't you remember school and camp lunchrooms and the seating drama?

I'm more concerned with your dd's chutzpadik responses. If she had said politely "That was my seat, is it ok if I move your purse?" it would have been different. You could have defused the situation by saying "Sorry, sweetie, I didn't realize you were coming back" and reclaimed your bag. Given that you were feeling unwell and even moving your head was a penance, it's understandable that you didn't.

Have a quiet talk with your dd, explain what was going on with you, ask her why she felt it so important to return to "her" seat (maybe what she really wanted was to sit in the place of honor next to you rather than next to her siblings) , explain why her behavior was disrespectful, and then close the books on this episode.
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amother
Melon


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:05 pm
An issue out of a tissue.
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icedcoffee




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:08 pm
I don't see the big deal. 12 year olds are hardly known for their sophistication in navigating social graces. It just sounds like a child who didn't understand why you "stole" her seat. No need to compare her actions to an adult or feel "appalled."
Frankly though, as an adult, I would also be irritated if I came back to sit in my seat and someone refused to move the handbag they plopped down there. I wouldn't make a whole spectacle of my annoyance, but I don't blame a 12 year old for kvetching.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:09 pm
amother [ Quince ] wrote:
By refusing to move your purse, you so much as told your dd that you don't want her sitting next to you anymore. You put a great big RESERVED sign on that seat. Kids set great store by this sort of thing. Don't you remember school and camp lunchrooms and the seating drama?

I'm more concerned with your dd's chutzpadik responses. If she had said politely "That was my seat, is it ok if I move your purse?" it would have been different. You could have defused the situation by saying "Sorry, sweetie, I didn't realize you were coming back" and reclaimed your bag. Given that you were feeling unwell and even moving your head was a penance, it's understandable that you didn't.

Have a quiet talk with your dd, explain what was going on with you, ask her why she felt it so important to return to "her" seat (maybe what she really wanted was to sit in the place of honor next to you rather than next to her siblings) , explain why her behavior was disrespectful, and then close the books on this episode.

IMHO even this is too much.

Just let her know that you weren't feeling well, you didn't think she was coming back, and you didn't have the energy to explain at the moment. She'll probably say sorry, you'll say thanks for understanding, and end of discussion.

There was nothing terribly rude or indicative of a major middos or manners problem here.
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outoftownmama




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have just had a weird situation with my daughter.
She is 12. We were traveling as a family and having quite an adventure. Everyone was in a good mood though. My relationship with her really felt great, like we are best friends.
We finally arrived and went to eat in a restaurant. She was sitting next to me. By the end of the meal I felt dizzy and wanted to eat some more so I ordered one more item.
In the meanwhile my family members were done and they left the table to take care of my kvetchy baby.

As I felt dizzy I didn’t want to keep bowing down to fish money out of my bag so I placed my handbag on the chair next to me where my daughter had sat. But she had already finished and benched by then. As I received my food, my daughter came back. Two more of my kids were finishing their food, the rest of the seats at our table were empty.
My daughter came and saw the handbag. She said, the handbag was on her chair, and expected me to move the handbag. I thought it was weird since there were enough of other chairs. I asked her to take a different sest and she said she won’t. Why? Because it’s her seat. I am really dumbfounded, „we are in a restaurant, no seat here is yours“ meanwhile she squeezed her tush next to my bag on that chair.

I was so shocked because I feel it is so socially off and unfitting. Imagine you are having a friendly dinner with adult friends and someone starts to make a fuss about „their“ chair in a room full of chairs.

So we came back and I asked respectfully why was it important to do it? Was it the petty middle school nonsense she pulls with her friends or was it really important for her? Just trying to understand.

She said it was her seat, her glass of water was still there and just as she could seat elsewhere, I could put my handbag elsewhere.
She thought it was fine that she squeezed herself onto a chair. While that doesn’t make much of a difference to me, I am just appalled. I tried to explain that no adult would do that, that it doesn’t fit into the atmosphere of the evening but I think it didn’t click.
How can I explain this nuance to a 12 year old? I think if a grown up did it, people would just shrug their shoulders and label her a weirdo.



Maybe she felt the same way, and wanted to continue sitting next to her best friend. To me this sounds like something to cherish and an opportunity to bond, I wouldn’t give it up on account of how you may look to some adult friends
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amother
Whitesmoke


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 5:29 pm
OP is this incident part of a bigger picture?
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Congresswoman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 6:46 pm
She may have been tired, irritable, hot (like you), or just plain in a bratty mood.

Please don’t phsyco-analize everything your daughter does.

IMHO an incident like this doesn’t warrant four whole paragraphs.
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amother
DarkKhaki


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 7:56 pm
amother [ Pink ] wrote:
Oh gosh. Maybe there's something wrong with me but I'm a full blown adult and if that happened to me I'd probably move and then feel rather miffed that you took my spot for your handbag.


I second this.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 8:03 pm
Right, because she isn't an adult. She is 12.
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amother
DarkKhaki


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 8:03 pm
Congresswoman wrote:
She may have been tired, irritable, hot (like you), or just plain in a bratty mood.

Please don’t phsyco-analize everything your daughter does.

IMHO an incident like this doesn’t warrant four whole paragraphs.


And I second this.

Op. Why are you freaking out about this? I think you need a nap yourself. She's 12. So she's not ready to meet the Queen of England. Ideally she'd be gracious. But your dd is tired too and didn't have the energy to overcome her kvetchiness when someone did something annoying.

Don't worry. I three years she would just move over.
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amother
DarkKhaki


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 8:08 pm
amother [ DarkKhaki ] wrote:
And I second this.

Op. Why are you freaking out about this? I think you need a nap yourself. She's 12. So she's not ready to meet the Queen of England. Ideally she'd be gracious. But your dd is tired too and didn't have the energy to overcome her kvetchiness when someone did something annoying.

Don't worry. I three years she would just move over.


I want to add,
Also due to kibud aim, even more ideally she'd be gracious......but yeah, same as above, hard to be perfect when you're tired and 12.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Tue, Aug 09 2022, 8:11 pm
Why can she not sit in her seat and hold your handbag?
She did nothing wrong.
Your attitude and expectations are wrong.
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