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When your kid struggles with self image "Im nebach,not 100%"

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 2:08 am
My 11 year old daughter has been struggling with this. As anyone in her shoes would. She is in a self contained class, takes meds, goes to therapy for anxiety and social skills and more .

A kid she was becoming friends with in camp started giving her the cold shoulder. It seems that really triggered more feelings self doubt. Today she was saying “I’m not normal” 💔 💔

And she’s been learning in therapy about how the inappropriate ways she acts can push girls away. But it’s not a switch she can flip, she’s working it slowly. But now she probably feels defective that the girl is snobbing her.

Poor thing. She’s so wise and a very deep thinker, in some ways more in tune than many adults. She works so hard.

I could tell her from today till tomorrow how loved and amazing she is, and that everyone has their struggles. I could validate her feelings. But she needs more than that. She thinks of herself as “special needs”

It’s not really a question, Im thinking out loud here. If anyone has advice that would be amazing.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 6:54 am
Following. I have several kids who struggle or used to struggle with similar concerns, and no simple answer.

Having one good friend is sometimes enough, so see if you can help her find that person or two.

Here's a song that was helpful to my DD in overcoming a lot of negative thoughts like that:
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amother




Coffee
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 9:40 am
I know as parents we cannot take the place of friends and this is so painful. I'm going g through this myself as a parent. That being said sitting with her in her feelings and validating that you are there no matter what is so important. Also if it is possible to do a few minutes of child led play with her. Let her choose the activity art video games whatever she is interested in although if she will actually still like playmobil or something like that you will get the most accomplished. Just follow her lead without judgement and enjoy the time together. Your daughter seeing her ideas are valuable enough for you to take the time to follow them can really help long term self esteem.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 10:06 am
Thanks both of you, I appreciate that!

Imasinger, She does have some “friendly” friends, not super close. but she’s far from isolated.

Coffee, I love your idea to give her opportunities to be in charge and make decisions!

How do you explain to your kid that they are amazing, even with all the professional they help they need?

And then add the fact that my husband doesn’t support us through this. He says I’m raising snowflakes and we just be punishing her more, and shouldn’t be getting professional help.

This morning she was having a hard time and panicking under the pressure of making the bus. I was trying to help her through it. And he goes “if you miss your bus I’m going to make you clean ALL day!” 😡😡😡

Sorry for the vent that’s is a whole different topic really. Sad
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 10:29 am
My son is 11 and also having a hard time with this. He has had a long journey of social and emotional challenges. We have made progress in some areas and others pop up its hard.

I just see it as getting through middle school. I think mesivta will be good for him. The boys are more self segregated, he can find a place that is a little more nerdy, not as cool unlike elementary school where everyone is mixed together and he feels like the odd one out.
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amother




Molasses
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 11:52 am
Can she be integrated to the regular class more in school? I had a child getting every therapy help she could possibly get. When she was a bit younger than your daughter it started really effecting her self-esteem. My daughter was not interested in prizes and contest anymore.We changed things up a bit. Everything she goes out for has to be done in a way that my daughter at some point sees progress. Showing her physical evidence of improvement. Even areas of unimpovement was done in a way to prove how capable she is and show small progress. Like a spelling list was 10 words and she advanced to the point that now she has 11 words. She was so at chunash that she got to stop going to chumash class close to 3/4 through the year. But she must have a tutor 3x a week after school to keep up with the main class. It took time and money but it made her feel better about herself. We were able to also see what exactly she was capable of. For summer we put her in a little more yeshivish environment. She got swimming lessons from a young age. Passed the deep water test early. many of the other parents couldn't afford swimming lessons. My daughter felt so good that her swimming help made her the best. She seemed cooler in a good way than the other kids. By 5th grade she was in a daycamp with more competition but b"h held her own.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 4:02 pm
mha3484 wrote:
My son is 11 and also having a hard time with this. He has had a long journey of social and emotional challenges. We have made progress in some areas and others pop up its hard.

I just see it as getting through middle school. I think mesivta will be good for him. The boys are more self segregated, he can find a place that is a little more nerdy, not as cool unlike elementary school where everyone is mixed together and he feels like the odd one out.


I can imagine in HS it can get worse for girls. Hopefully she'll find her niche. Im not thinking that far ahead though.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Aug 11 2022, 4:09 pm
amother [ Molasses ] wrote:
Can she be integrated to the regular class more in school? I had a child getting every therapy help she could possibly get. When she was a bit younger than your daughter it started really effecting her self-esteem. My daughter was not interested in prizes and contest anymore.We changed things up a bit. Everything she goes out for has to be done in a way that my daughter at some point sees progress. Showing her physical evidence of improvement. Even areas of unimpovement was done in a way to prove how capable she is and show small progress. Like a spelling list was 10 words and she advanced to the point that now she has 11 words. She was so at chunash that she got to stop going to chumash class close to 3/4 through the year. But she must have a tutor 3x a week after school to keep up with the main class. It took time and money but it made her feel better about herself. We were able to also see what exactly she was capable of. For summer we put her in a little more yeshivish environment. She got swimming lessons from a young age. Passed the deep water test early. many of the other parents couldn't afford swimming lessons. My daughter felt so good that her swimming help made her the best. She seemed cooler in a good way than the other kids. By 5th grade she was in a daycamp with more competition but b"h held her own.


Theres a lot holding us back from transitioning her yet, its not so much acedemic. Including I would need a lakewood school to accept her. But its the goal (dream?) for the year after this.

I love the idea of making her successes measurable so she can see what she can feel good about what she accomplishes! Its so easy to focus on the negatives sometimes.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 19 2022, 1:21 am
I'm bumping this up in case anyone has more advice. Tonight she was crying and telling me that she feels like a nebach and the kids in her school think shes not 100%. I l listen and validate and also invalidate. Confused Basically, "Its normal that you feel that way, but its not true."

But its not enough to make her feel better and its so hard. I feel so helpless.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 19 2022, 2:24 pm
Bump?
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amother




Razzmatazz
 

Post Fri, Aug 19 2022, 6:39 pm
Would you consider putting her in a school/daycamp with girls similar to her? This way she can still be herself and shine. I did this with my own similar sounding daughter and b”h am grateful that I did. She never feels
Less than someone else.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 9:03 am
amother Razzmatazz wrote:
Would you consider putting her in a school/daycamp with girls similar to her? This way she can still be herself and shine. I did this with my own similar sounding daughter and b”h am grateful that I did. She never feels
Less than someone else.


She's already in a self contained class. That's a big part of why she feels so bad.
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amother




Razzmatazz
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 9:59 am
Is the class she’s in inside a regular school? Maybe she’d feel better if the whole school was speacial. Also it’s hard to put them
Back into a reg classroom once they’ve been in a smaller class setting with so many teachers. Not easy..
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 10:28 am
amother Razzmatazz wrote:
Is the class she’s in inside a regular school? Maybe she’d feel better if the whole school was speacial. Also it’s hard to put them
Back into a reg classroom once they’ve been in a smaller class setting with so many teachers. Not easy..


Thank you, I know.

Im not looking for advice on what school to send her to, I have professionals involved with that. And the school you are talking about does not exist in Lakewood.

I guess I’m mostly looking for advice on how I can talk to her. And other ways to boost her self image.
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amother




Valerian
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 10:32 am
There's a strong possibility she feels that way because she's in a Lakewood program where the staff treat her that way. Talking from experience... get her out
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 10:38 am
amother Valerian wrote:
There's a strong possibility she feels that way because she's in a Lakewood program where the staff treat her that way. Talking from experience... get her out


It’s not the program she’s in that treats her like an outcast. It’s the school that’s hosting her class that does. But there’s nothing I can do about that now.

I’m working on getting her out. For the school year after this.

But again, Which school I’m sending her to is not the point of this thread.
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amother




Razzmatazz
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 10:39 am
The best boost for her would be to get her a friend or two. Maybe invite over a neighbor & make it very exciting. Or ask her teacher to recommend a kinder type of girl & invite her over.
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amother




Mocha
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 10:40 am
Is she artsy at all? (Writing, drama, singing, instruments, drawing, anything like that.) If so, and if she's stable enough to go away to camp for a few weeks, I know a camp that would be great for her. There are a whole lot of out of the box but amazing girls there, and in the box ones too who want to focus on their arts and just be themselves without conforming pressure. And there are definitely girls from Monsey and Lakewood. And they have Zoom meet ups all year long. Having a group like this can be invaluable.

This is the side of the special services/ special needs world that isn't getting addressed enough. Girls on the autistic spectrum or with significant learning needs, etc, anything to make them feel different and that they consistently need extra help to improve, often develop significany anxiety and depression and at least self esteem issues as they hit adolescence. Boys too, but with girls, it's a really big deal. Especially since they often stay in the school system and that can be worse if it's not the right place for it, or the right situation.

Finding her a place to shine is key. Music or art lessons or whatever she's interested in. Individual so she can be the focus, and if possible, also group so she can find peers. If you're interested in the camp for next summer, let me know (pretty sure imasinger is familiar with it and would agree.)
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 10:45 am
amother Razzmatazz wrote:
The best boost for her would be to get her a friend or two. Maybe invite over a neighbor & make it very exciting. Or ask her teacher to recommend a kinder type of girl & invite her over.


She’s actually made another friend in camp, and they’ve been to each other’s houses almost everyday for like the past 10 days! BH, I hope the friendship lasts!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 21 2022, 10:50 am
amother Mocha wrote:
Is she artsy at all? (Writing, drama, singing, instruments, drawing, anything like that.) If so, and if she's stable enough to go away to camp for a few weeks, I know a camp that would be great for her. There are a whole lot of out of the box but amazing girls there, and in the box ones too who want to focus on their arts and just be themselves without conforming pressure. And there are definitely girls from Monsey and Lakewood. And they have Zoom meet ups all year long. Having a group like this can be invaluable.

This is the side of the special services/ special needs world that isn't getting addressed enough. Girls on the autistic spectrum or with significant learning needs, etc, anything to make them feel different and that they consistently need extra help to improve, often develop significany anxiety and depression and at least self esteem issues as they hit adolescence. Boys too, but with girls, it's a really big deal. Especially since they often stay in the school system and that can be worse if it's not the right place for it, or the right situation.

Finding her a place to shine is key. Music or art lessons or whatever she's interested in. Individual so she can be the focus, and if possible, also group so she can find peers. If you're interested in the camp for next summer, let me know (pretty sure imasinger is familiar with it and would agree.)


Yes she’s loves drama. She’s been doing drama clubs. And she bakes and cooks at home.

The camp Sounds amazing! Not sure if shell be ready or not, (And if I could afford) but it's a definite maybe!
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