My kids have BAD attachment issues

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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littlebirdy

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:19 am

My kids (Ages 5 and younger) have such an unhealthy attachment to me;(

They ALL have terrible separation anxiety

When I’m sitting out with kids, they just stay around me instead of just running/playing around carefree like all the neighbors.

I can’t leave them in the house to take out the garbage or they’ll freak out and start crying running out of the house following me. (Even after I tell them I’m going to take out the garbage!!)

Please help me! How can I help them feel safe and secure?

Thanks!

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:30 am

Attachment issues go way back. This is something to work through with a professional. Whatever anyone tells you here will either scratch the surface or make things worse.

littlebirdy

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:01 am

Thanks for the reply.

I did grow up in a emotionally dysfunctional home and had kids not knowing how to love or show warmth...
I’ve come a long way since then but I know the first year is the most critical to set up a child’s security in this world and I failed.
Is there even a way to reverse this at this point?
I feel so bad for them.

Has anyone had this experience and can guide me where to turn with professional help?

amother

Violet

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:11 am

littlebirdy wrote:

Where are you located?

amother

Tan

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:18 am

Following

amother

Hosta

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:24 am

littlebirdy wrote:

Hi. I just want to tell you that you absolutely did not fail. I showed my kids so much love, played with them, attended to all their needs immediately etc... and my kids are all like you're kids. Its just a phase. My kids all outgrew it. Just continue to shower them with love and they'll be fine. You didn't do anything wrong.

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:43 am

It's NEVER too late to improve your relationships! A psychotherapist would be the one to help you with this. A psychologist, social worker, licensed mental health counselor, licensed marriage and family therapist. As long as they have experience working with this, any are fine.

I disagree that this is a normal stage of development. There is a root cause, and you can address it in therapy.

lamplighter

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 1:01 pm

I am a very overtly loving mother (pendulum swinging the other way), I keep my kids home with me full time until they are 2, and 2 of my kids are like this. (Not the to the level of not being able to take out the garbage). Not everything has to do with what you're doing or not doing. Some of it is nature/personality.

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 1:02 pm

lamplighter wrote:

I am a very overtly loving mother (pendulum swinging the other way), I keep my kids home with me full time until they are 2, and I have 2 kids like this. Not everything has to do with what you're doing or not doing. Some of it is nature/personality.

This can be the case, and op can learn how to effectively parent children with this nature.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 1:13 pm

I think it can also be a personality type vs everyone always blaming the mother for poor parenting. OP is talking about children under five! That is so young. Plenty of kids under that age can be “clingy” with their parents regardless of attachment style. I know kids who are very independent at a young age but have siblings that are not the same, even if the parents parented them all in the same way.

I was a naturally independent child from a very young age and it had absolutely nothing to do with my parents’ style of parenting.

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 1:15 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Agreed, we must have cross-posted sorry. I said something similar in my post.

Lizzie4

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 1:17 pm

How old are your kids? It makes a difference

amother

DarkMagenta

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 1:19 pm

Lizzie4 wrote:

How old are your kids? It makes a difference

OP said in her first post - all ages five and younger.

amother

cornflower

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 3:24 pm

My kids are teens and up and they were all like this when they were little. I was/am a warm, loving mother. Don’t worry, they grew out of it!

taketwo

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 4:11 pm

read The Power Of Showing Up by Daniel Siegel. I found it very helpful.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 4:55 pm

littlebirdy wrote:

I do a lot of attachment parenting from birth and I have a seven year old (my 6th child) who's biggest nightmare is that she'll lose us. If I'm not there to pick her up from school exactly the second it ends, she's in tears. If the bus drops her off at the farther corner instead of closer by, she runs home crying.
As a baby she wouldn't sleep unless I was holding her.

This summer I taught her to cross the street near her school without me, and she's become less timid and more confident. She tells me she's not so scared anymore because she can cross streets safely by herself in an emergency to get home.

Point is, it's so much personality and not necessarily what you've done.

amother

Sand

Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:06 pm

My kids do the same and I prefer to think/hope its not always the parents fault. Some kids are just born wired anxious and insecure... Ds was that was from 4 weeks old. He was cuddled hugged reassured. I tried everything and he is a 4.5 y o that clings and cries like a baby...I do see that boundaries and discipline helps to some extent w such kids. Like maybe its a results of us being a Lil too nice and trying a Lil too hard?

We mothers from dysfunctional backgrounds have the extra pain of not only having to go through a tough childhood but then also constantly blaming ourselves as hard as we friggin try

amother

Leaf

Mon, Aug 15 2022, 1:20 pm

I think the question should be how to deal with your kids who get upset when you leave them, how to make them feel more secure as opposed to beating yourself up for bad attachment which sounds so permanent and might not even be true

Perhaps speak to a parenting expert one one one for some advice and follow through consistently

Hatzlocho

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