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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:41 am
On Shabbos? I recently caught my daughter using her phone. I knew in the back of my mind this was happening but never caught her red handed. I heard it’s a big big problem with teens these days. Wondering how many of you know your kids do it? How concerned do I need to be? Is there anyone I should reach out to? She has the regular teen ‘problems’ of wanting to be less tznius and constantly on the phone. Beyond those things she’s an amazing girl! Is this a stage? She’s going to be in 12th grade this year. I think this has been going on since she got her phone in the beginning of 9 grade.
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amother




Bergamot
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:50 am
I collect all devices before shabbos from everyone and the put them away this way it takes away any temptation. It’s not easy my teen is pushing tznuos just above elbows and knees not easy
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amother




Peony
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:51 am
I don’t know how many teens do it, but I think you should be very concerned.
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amother




Daylily
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:56 am
I would consider if she has an addiction and treat it that way.
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amother




Crystal
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:57 am
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, you should be concerned and reach out to someone ASAP. Even if many teens are struggling with this, it's still a concern & something to be worried about.
All kids devices should be collected every night and for shabbos.
Good luck.
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Tirza




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:59 am
In my opinion, the best way to deal with this is calmly. Don’t yell or threaten or make her feel ashamed. Ask her why she uses her phone on Shabbos, and what you can do to help her feel less temptation to use it. Maybe she’s bored, maybe a lot of her friends are doing it and she’s afraid of missing out, etc. She might welcome the chance to talk openly about this, and she might be willing to hand you her phone before Shabbos so she isn’t tempted anymore. Talk to her calmly, in private, and see if you can resolve this together.
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amother




Aster
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:01 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
On Shabbos? I recently caught my daughter using her phone. I knew in the back of my mind this was happening but never caught her red handed. I heard it’s a big big problem with teens these days. Wondering how many of you know your kids do it? How concerned do I need to be? Is there anyone I should reach out to? She has the regular teen ‘problems’ of wanting to be less tznius and constantly on the phone. Beyond those things she’s an amazing girl! Is this a stage? She’s going to be in 12th grade this year. I think this has been going on since she got her phone in the beginning of 9 grade.


I'm shocked!
But also: I would not put being mechallel shabbos on the same level as showing parts of your elboys or knees. Mechalel shabbos is a whole different ballgame, to me.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:14 am
Tirza wrote:
In my opinion, the best way to deal with this is calmly. Don’t yell or threaten or make her feel ashamed. Ask her why she uses her phone on Shabbos, and what you can do to help her feel less temptation to use it. Maybe she’s bored, maybe a lot of her friends are doing it and she’s afraid of missing out, etc. She might welcome the chance to talk openly about this, and she might be willing to hand you her phone before Shabbos so she isn’t tempted anymore. Talk to her calmly, in private, and see if you can resolve this together.
.

Exactly this. She told me she’s bored and everyone does it so why not her too.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:16 am
amother [ Bergamot ] wrote:
I collect all devices before shabbos from everyone and the put them away this way it takes away any temptation. It’s not easy my teen is pushing tznuos just above elbows and knees not easy


Does your teen resent you for taking away device for Shabbos? Does she feel you don’t trust her? At this point my teen is almost done with her teen years and I don’t want to ruin anything that we have already. Wondering how much I can control at this age.
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amother




Peony
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:36 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Does your teen resent you for taking away device for Shabbos? Does she feel you don’t trust her? At this point my teen is almost done with her teen years and I don’t want to ruin anything that we have already. Wondering how much I can control at this age.


B”H, don’t have this same issue, but I think a lot depends upon how it is presented to her.

If it is presented as “OMG! I can’t believe I caught you doing this! We need to confiscate your (insert item) before Shabbos to prevent you from doing things like this again . . .” this likely to arouse feelings of resentment (e.g. I’m old enough to make my own choices/decisions, etc.) and being treated unfairly (e.g. It’s my [insert item] you have no right to take it away, etc.)

If it follows a discussion that elicits feelings of “I wish I didn’t do this, but it’s a difficult nisayon, especially when everyone else is doing it, and it’s readily available . . .” and you empathize with the difficulty and dilemma, etc., then it can be presented as an effective option that she can choose for herself.

If she owns the problem and solution, she is more likely to buy into it and be OK with it. Very important to be non-judgemental, empathize with the struggle, and take a problem-solving approach with her. (She’s 17 - not 7.). Anything forced on her will likely lead to her trying to get around the restrictions, rather than going along with them.


ETA: If it becomes part of the regular household routine - that EVERYONE’S devices are collected and stored away 10 min. before Shabbos, she is less likely to feel unfairly targeted and picked on.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 11:46 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
On Shabbos? I recently caught my daughter using her phone. I knew in the back of my mind this was happening but never caught her red handed. I heard it’s a big big problem with teens these days. Wondering how many of you know your kids do it? How concerned do I need to be? Is there anyone I should reach out to? She has the regular teen ‘problems’ of wanting to be less tznius and constantly on the phone. Beyond those things she’s an amazing girl! Is this a stage? She’s going to be in 12th grade this year. I think this has been going on since she got her phone in the beginning of 9 grade.


Huh?! How concerned do you need to be??? You need imas to answer that for you???
It doesn’t matter “how many” others have it happening, you should be VERY concerned about YOIR daughter doing it.

Get her into therapy immediately… that is, if you want her to stay frum
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amother




Oak
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
.

Exactly this. She told me she’s bored and everyone does it so why not her too.

It sounds like your daughter is being very honest with you and that can be the start to resolving this.

The good news: it doesn't sound to me like she is disaffected or particularly rebellious. Just bored and going with the crowd.

But she needs (1) enjoyable things to do on Shabbos and (2) shomer Shabbos friends to do things with.

What does your family typically do on Shabbos and what does your daughter usually do?
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erm




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:16 pm
Is she in a regular mainstream school? How prevalent is this problem in right wing schools?
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fmt4




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:21 pm
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:
Huh?! How concerned do you need to be??? You need imas to answer that for you???
It doesn’t matter “how many” others have it happening, you should be VERY concerned about YOIR daughter doing it.

Get her into therapy immediately… that is, if you want her to stay from.


Lol. Therapy? I’m all for therapy but this doesn’t sound like a therapy issue. She’s a teenager and shabbos is boring. It’s not that deep.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:24 pm
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote:
Huh?! How concerned do you need to be??? You need imas to answer that for you???
It doesn’t matter “how many” others have it happening, you should be VERY concerned about YOIR daughter doing it.

Get her into therapy immediately… that is, if you want her to stay from.
Going to therapy will not keep someone frum. And this issue is because she is bored on shabbat.
Its more so to find out what can be done so that she is not bored.

OP, would you feel comfortable talking to other mothers of girls who you know also are doing this? Come to some sort of consensus as to what you can all do to change the narrative?
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amother




Watermelon
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:24 pm
Collecting the phone or electronic device of a 17 year old will accomplish nothing except probably make her more determined to find a way to get around it or indulge it other activities.

She is almost an adult and will soon be making her own decisions regarding her life. Whatever you did or didn't do in terms of instilling values is done.

Did she tell you or did you inadvertently find out. You can have an adult to adult conversation in which you treat her respectfully instead of like a toddler who is misbehaving and perhaps you can have a productive conversation in which you both learn something. Maybe she will stop and maybe she won't in terms of this specific behavior but you will have kept the lines of communication open versus "punishing" her like a child.
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amother




Daylily
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:40 pm
I used to collect all devices before shabbos until my teens told me they feel hurt and infantilized that I don't trust them to keep shabbos.

At a certain age the responsibility and decisions are theirs to own.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:44 pm
amother [ Daylily ] wrote:
I used to collect all devices before shabbos until my teens told me they feel hurt and infantilized that I don't trust them to keep shabbos.

At a certain age the responsibility and decisions are theirs to own.


Yup. It's cool that they were able to tell you that! Some parents are ok with 'trusting' children who are small, when the stakes are low and kids don't really have much control over their own lives. But actually as they get older we have to let go and trust increasingly. And, of course, daven.
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amother




Cappuccino
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:47 pm
amother [ Crystal ] wrote:
I'm sorry you're dealing with this, you should be concerned and reach out to someone ASAP. Even if many teens are struggling with this, it's still a concern & something to be worried about.
All kids devices should be collected every night and for shabbos.
Good luck.

Taking it overnight from a teen is overdoing it, imo.
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nicole81




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:53 pm
I don't agree with confiscation, especially not in 12th grade. She needs to learn to deal with the temptation on her own for when mommy won't be there to take it away. Taking things away to prevent use is an appropriate response to a toddler, not a teen, at least if your overall goal is for them to be genuinely frum adults who follow halacha because it's what they want to do. (We see how many women post on here struggling with their frumkeit, who spent years doing things a certain way just because that's what was expected, and they never owned their own relationship with god and religion.)

I have 3 teens, two of whom wouldn't think of using a phone on shabbos, but one who did, and I caught her. We talk about her reasons (boredom) and what we could do to alleviate them. We purchased some books she was interested in, she started coming out of her room more and spending more time with the family. We brainstormed where she could put the phone before shabbos so it would be out of sight out of mind, and she took responsibility for putting her phone away monitoring her own behavior. In the beginning I checked in with her weekly and we talked about how things were going and if she needed any support, and then gradually reduced doing so. That's one part of it.

Concurrently, all kids need to own their own observance, and have their own connection to hashem and religion, and not just be religious because that's how we raised them. It happens to be that I caught my child in the summer of 9th into 10th, and she was starting a new school in 10th that really helped the girls forge their own relationships with hashem and connections with frumkeit. I don't think enough schools do this. My child hasn't used her phone on shabbos since the time I caught her. And these days, she would never even think of doing so since she wants to follow halacha of her own volition.

Confiscation is a bandaid. Sometimes bandaids help, but they're not a solution.
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