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How many of you have daughters that use their phone..
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amother




Cappuccino
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 12:55 pm
OP, would putting everyone's phones in an open space where everyone sees them, help? Would she feel less inclined to take it from there?
What's her shabbos schedule like? Can she do things to keep busy - babysitting as a chesed, visiting a nursing home, organize a bnos program in your shul or house?
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weasley




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 1:23 pm
Can you have an open non judgmental discussion with her if she's happy with using her phone at the moment. Maybe in conjuction with a conversation about the ramifications of our actions, what kind of life does she imagine for herself in the future...?

If it's something she wants to work on, you can ask her how you can help her. If incentives will help? Planning the day beforehand, thinking of any triggers and how to avoid maybe having specific 'cool' treats for her to want to have friends over... Discuss this WITH her and troubleshoot WITH her.

Hatzlacha op and wishing you lots of nachas from her!

Edited *Nachas not nachos😉
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amother




Peru
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 2:20 pm
In this case, I think "I'm bored" = "I'm addicted to my phone and don't know how to stay busy when I can't be using it."

And phones are extremely addictive. The question is how to deal with the problem now that it is there.
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 2:32 pm
Honestly, I totally get your daughter. My first shomer shabbosim were hell... I was bored, I cried, I got cranky I didn't know how to deal with myself.

Here in the NL we have really late shabbosim Now shabbos is out around 10, in late June it was 11:18 it was really hard and I get really bored.
Melachel shabbos is indeed different for me then tznius. And Shabbos is hard... Really I mean it is hard. If there is not lot of people around you or you are out of all your books and it's boiling hot in the summer I can get it that you want to be on your phone. It is not ok and you can take advice from other mothers, collect the phones before shabbos and lock them somewhere up. But most importantly is hashkafa of shabbos and let your daughter fall in love with that.

Same with tznius, the people who lectured me and forced tznius on me as a fresh BT made me resent it. If someone said to me things like 'Tznius protects against harassment' I got so resentful... I got groped while wearing jeans and while wearing super tznius. I know of mothers who find all those stories of rebbetzins who treated every Jewish girl/woman in jeans and a crop top with love and respect but chas ve shalom if the adult daughter doesn't wear tights in the summer. But your daughter is soon to be in sem, and she will iyh fall in love again with the hashkafa and then halacha follows. Sometimes not but don't give up, and just try to understand why she is bored and what she wants. If you are enforcing an almost adult daughter you will lose her...
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 3:06 pm
She’s in a regular BY high school. Again I’m wondering how many of you who have teens at home really know if your kid is or isn’t on a phone. Based on whom she’s talking to it seems like it’s many many girls.
I agree that she’s so old already I can’t really do anything anymore except have an open conversation with her and hope something clicks. Is there anyone specifically I can call to guide me a bit or any shiurim I can listen to to give me ideas.
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amother




Caramel
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 4:23 pm
This is not an isolated phenomenon: https://jewishaction.com/relig.....bbos/

My oldest teenager is not as old as your daughter. We got her a phone for Chanukah in 8th grade and she was definitely one of the last ones in her grade to get a cell phone. We have strict parental controls and a rule that she has to charge her phone overnight in the kitchen rather than the bedroom. We have discussions about trust and safe cell phone/internet/social media use and so far we haven't had any issues. If we noticed that DD was spending too much time on her phone, especially when she wasn't supposed to, then we would talk about it and also maybe use the parental controls to set no phone times in order to help.
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amother




Peru
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:01 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She’s in a regular BY high school. Again I’m wondering how many of you who have teens at home really know if your kid is or isn’t on a phone. Based on whom she’s talking to it seems like it’s many many girls.
I agree that she’s so old already I can’t really do anything anymore except have an open conversation with her and hope something clicks. Is there anyone specifically I can call to guide me a bit or any shiurim I can listen to to give me ideas.

If you want to know, my teen daughters do not use phones on Shabbos. We don't have smartphones. Our flip phones get shut off for Shabbos so they won't ring and annoy us, and they get put into a kitchen drawer. Our desktop computer is off, and in the dining room where everyone can see it, so they can't be using that either. they're not on social media anyway, so they don't have the same desire as people who are on it.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:04 pm
amother [ Caramel ] wrote:
This is not an isolated phenomenon: https://jewishaction.com/relig.....bbos/

My oldest teenager is not as old as your daughter. We got her a phone for Chanukah in 8th grade and she was definitely one of the last ones in her grade to get a cell phone. We have strict parental controls and a rule that she has to charge her phone overnight in the kitchen rather than the bedroom. We have discussions about trust and safe cell phone/internet/social media use and so far we haven't had any issues. If we noticed that DD was spending too much time on her phone, especially when she wasn't supposed to, then we would talk about it and also maybe use the parental controls to set no phone times in order to help.
Wow, that article is 10 years old Sad
And we have the same type of rules for our daughter (going into 9th grade) strict parental controls and the phone does not stay in her room over night, its in the dinning room. And on shabbat it is turned off and put with the other phones on the counter.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She’s in a regular BY high school. Again I’m wondering how many of you who have teens at home really know if your kid is or isn’t on a phone. Based on whom she’s talking to it seems like it’s many many girls.
I agree that she’s so old already I can’t really do anything anymore except have an open conversation with her and hope something clicks. Is there anyone specifically I can call to guide me a bit or any shiurim I can listen to to give me ideas.
Can everyone have their phones turned off before shabbat and put in a central location? That way she wont be able to take her phone.
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Alternative




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:27 pm
shabbatiscoming wrote:
Can everyone have their phones turned off before shabbat and put in a central location? That way she wont be able to take her phone.


She's 17. Way too old to start telling her to put her phone in a central location over Shabbat. That ship has sailed.
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Alternative




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:33 pm
amother [ Peru ] wrote:
In this case, I think "I'm bored" = "I'm addicted to my phone and don't know how to stay busy when I can't be using it."

And phones are extremely addictive. The question is how to deal with the problem now that it is there.


Yes, phones are extremely addictive. But that doesn't need to be the reason that teens are on them on shabbat - at least not necessarily.

Shabbat can be incredibly boring for some teens. Does she have friends in the area who come over? Does she like having long heart-to-heart conversations with her parents or siblings over shabbat? Does she like board games and have anyone to play with? Does she like reading, and if so, does she have interesting reading material over shabbat?

If the answer to most of the above is 'no', then you have a bored teen. Nobody likes to be bored for 25 hours. Some teens pull out their phones because they are addicted, some because they just don't want to be bored.
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amother




Silver
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:43 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
On Shabbos? I recently caught my daughter using her phone. I knew in the back of my mind this was happening but never caught her red handed. I heard it’s a big big problem with teens these days. Wondering how many of you know your kids do it? How concerned do I need to be? Is there anyone I should reach out to? She has the regular teen ‘problems’ of wanting to be less tznius and constantly on the phone. Beyond those things she’s an amazing girl! Is this a stage? She’s going to be in 12th grade this year. I think this has been going on since she got her phone in the beginning of 9 grade.


No op, this is not normal and not ok. I feel bad for and you and wish you strength to get through this but don’t go pretending that this is normal or accepted. It’s not.
Let’s get the facts clear. Ok, move on.
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amother




Anemone
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 5:50 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She’s in a regular BY high school. Again I’m wondering how many of you who have teens at home really know if your kid is or isn’t on a phone. Based on whom she’s talking to it seems like it’s many many girls.
I agree that she’s so old already I can’t really do anything anymore except have an open conversation with her and hope something clicks. Is there anyone specifically I can call to guide me a bit or any shiurim I can listen to to give me ideas.


We live in an OOT community, our shul has a kiddush every week and the teenage girls have a separate Kiddush which motivates the girls to come. After that we prepare the Seuda, we eat about 1:00 finish about 3:00, our daughter usually goes to a friend or invites a friend over they don't have much time before Seudas Shlishis. In any case she puts her phone away in a dining room drawer over Shabbos. But I will be honest with you every single child is different. You really need to reach out to a professional. If there are other parents in the class who know what's going on perhaps you can get someone to meet with the girls informally to encourage them in Shmiras Shabbos. It's definitely important to do something ASAP.
You should try to get your daughter a mentor. I don't know where you live but there may be an organization that can help you. Perhaps you have a friend or neighbor with a post sem girl who you think could be a good influence on your daughter? Don't tell them that she uses her phone on Shabbos - just tell them that she could use some inspiration and a good influence. Your daughter should NOT know (EVER) that this girls is a mentor or that you arranged it. The girls can either "bump" into her or call her about some random thing (maybe she could be looking for someone to help her with some project?) and then slowly establish a relationship. You do need to pay the mentor that is very important. And if she takes her out to eat you also pay for that. We did this for our daughter and it was a HUGE help!! Our daughter really opened up to the mentor- she only told us what she felt was important for us to know as parents so that we could understand her.
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Alternative




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 7:04 pm
I would not hire a mentor behind a 17 year old’s back, and let her think this person is just a friend.

A 17 year old is practically an adult and deserves respect.
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amother




Daylily
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 7:28 pm
amother [ Silver ] wrote:
No op, this is not normal and not ok. I feel bad for and you and wish you strength to get through this but don’t go pretending that this is normal or accepted. It’s not.
Let’s get the facts clear. Ok, move on.

It's as normal as any other aveirah people fall for.
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amother




Wheat
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 7:41 pm
Bored is a quick teen answer. Not the real answer.

Yes it is a problem for other kids too, how does that help anyone?

Either she is extremely addicted & maybe fomo.

Or she has not gotten a deep appreciation for yiddishkeit.

Maybe, could be both.

A bored teen might whine to their mother that they are bored on shabbos or make sure to have friends over or go to friends. That is bored.

She needs to figure out what the problem is. Then you can know what to do.

Open communication is good. You are on the right track, you know your dd best.
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amother




Bergamot
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Does your teen resent you for taking away device for Shabbos? Does she feel you don’t trust her? At this point my teen is almost done with her teen years and I don’t want to ruin anything that we have already. Wondering how much I can control at this age.

At this point she puts it away and she can get it out herself. I am not taking anything away I try to keep all devices in my room at night my oldest teen doesn’t anymore but for shabbos will put it in my room. I said it not about trust it’s about putting everything out of sight for shabbos . We turn off lights check the urn and
air conditioners ….. and put laptops phones and tablets EarPods all in one spot. I think taking it away once you see it feels harsher then doing it from the get go.
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amother




Dimgray
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:09 pm
It's a definitely a nisayon that we have today that we did not have when I was growing up.

A while ago I posted here asking how parents are changing the way they parent due to the changing challenges of this generation and I was told here that nothing changed and every generation is challenging.... This is exactly what I meant.
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amother




Hotpink
 

Post Sun, Aug 14 2022, 10:27 pm
Op it's not as uncommon as people on this thread make it sound but it doesn't diminish the gravity of the problem.
Obviously there are enough girls that use their phone that she has friends to shooze with.
I you suspect it's happening since 9th grade, what have you done until now?
Do you have a good relationship?
Take her out one on one. Go bowling together, go for ice cream, buy her little gifts...
Something is missing in her life. Or it could be a phone addiction (but you would know about it because she would be addicted all week not only on shabbos!)
It will get way worse if you don't take action right now!!
Ps: I have a dd that does use her phone on shabbos but it's the least of her problems. She in therapy for a while already. Sad
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