Save me. Kids fighting

amother

Blush

Fri, Aug 19 2022, 9:31 am

OMG, I feel like this is me writing the OP.
This happens in my house nonstop. And then my 5yo hollers so loud because he is filling his role as the "victim".

My older son has impulse control issues and my younger son will constantly instigate him to upset him, my older son will hit or hurt him, and my younger son screams and cries for pity.
It's like a cycle.

I find summers harder because of the lack of structure, so everything is highlighted now.

But for me, I think the only way I can stay sane, is by staying emotionally disconnected and repeating myself. Don't go into his room and bother him if you see he's upset. We do not hit or hurt ppl in this house. We use our words. If something is bothering you, try telling your brother, and if he doesn't listen then tell Mommy. But once you hurt him I can't get involved because that means you figured it out on your own.

Easier said than done. I am pulling my hair out! They have another 2 weeks until school starts and we are iyh going away for a couple of days next week.
I keep telling myself, I have no expectations of it being all rosy and them behaving like angels while we're away. Only expectation I have is for me not to get upset and lose it.

amother

Coffee

Fri, Aug 19 2022, 9:36 am

amother OP wrote:

I do try it hasn’t worked yet

It takes time. Just make sure to be consistent and don't quit on it. Try to praise them for their efforts more than the behavior. For example. "Wow, I just notices Shua was upset and really kept himself back from hitting. I call that real gevurah!" Or: "I noticed how hard you're trying not to get into a fight, even though sometimes it's hard."

Last edited by amother on Thu, Nov 03 2022, 10:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

AlwaysGrateful

Fri, Aug 19 2022, 11:12 am

We very rarely use sticker charts or incentives in our house. But this is one situation where I have -- when there's a consistent issue that's really hurting the dynamic in the household and needs to be addressed.

Divide the day into sections in which there is usually about one major issue in each section. For example -- between wakeup and breakfast, between breakfast and lunch, between lunch and snack, between snack and dinner, between dinner and bedtime. Tell them that they can get one sticker on the chart (or check, if your older son is "too old" for stickers) for each time period that things stay calm in the house. Then make a big deal with each sticker that they get. They can work towards a joint prize -- maybe a special dessert or staying up late reading a special story or whatever will motivate them. Try to make it that they can get the first prize in less than a week if they get every sticker.

At the same time, when they do get into a fight and you catch it early, give them the tools that they need to work things out calmly. Think about how you'd want them to react in an ideal world, and walk them through it. For example -- "You're both really upset. Let's take a two minute break without anyone talking, just so we can relax. Then, I can help you discuss what happened and figure out what to do next...Okay, it's been two minutes, and it looks like things are a bit calmer. Let's let Shmuel talk first about what happened, and Moshe will be quiet and listen and try to understand. Then we'll let Moshe talk, and Shmuel will be quiet and listen and try to understand. Then we'll try to brainstorm a solution, and then you can choose one that works for both of you." So it's not you being the judge and jury, but you helping them to talk it out and figure out how to avoid a fight. With time, they'll start using these skills on their own.

amother

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 8:16 am

They’re at it again. I hate vacation with a passion. They never have a good reason to fight. They just fight over every single thing. When dc 8 is up after dc 5 went to sleep, he is perfect- clever, nice, helpful, funny. But when the two are up (most hours of the day) they fight non stop. I honestly feel like I’m breaking down from this

amother

Crystal

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 9:56 am

amother OP wrote:

5 yo and 8 yo boys fight all the time
5 yo provokes 8 yo who then beats him up
I get so triggered by this.please help me figure out how to help them

Teach your 8 yr old skills in handling his brother. We have a no hitting policy. Hitting and hurting is not acceptable.
What should your 8 yr old do instead? How can he break the pattern? Give him alternative options.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 10:13 am

Me too. I just try to find things for each of them to do out of the house at staggered times. Today one kid went to a cousin, the other is home. Yesterday, one kid went on a trip with grandma and the other stayed with me. During the school year, I sign them up for extracurricular activities at different times so they each get some space.

They still fight a lot!! But at least it's not all the time non-stop fighting.

creditcards

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 1:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

5 yo and 8 yo boys fight all the time
5 yo provokes 8 yo who then beats him up
I get so triggered by this.please help me figure out how to help them

I validate each kid separately. Both of them standing there and listen to me validating the other one and then themselves. They tolerate it because they know I validate them equally. I never make them apologize. It just drags on the fight. They learn why the other one got upset when I point it out, while I validate. They end understanding what triggered the other person. When they are all calmed down I say, ok now you wanna go back to play? And they run off like best friends. I do this every time they fight. Works wonders.