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Children and touching
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amother


 

Post Mon, Nov 14 2005, 11:56 pm
My daughter touches her private parts when she is tired or upset. She also stimulates herself. Should I say anything to her when she does it? Should I pretend that I don't see anything?
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Rivk




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 6:21 am
How old is she?
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Yael




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 2:10 pm
I think its normal for kids to do, I remember substituting for a preschool class and the teacher told one of the girls to take her hands out of her skirt, then she turned to me and said there's at least one in every class. and she's taught for yrs.
I think when you see her do it, just give her something else to do with her hands. or you can also tell her that its not nice to touch herself there, and if she really wants to then she should do it in the bathroom. saves the embarrassment later on when others see.
works for boys too.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 2:46 pm
Thanks Yael. Do they outgrow it? She is 4.
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Yael




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 3:01 pm
I sure hope so!!!
although who knows? anyone here did that as a child and continued as a teen? dont think its that common in our circles.
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LubavitchLeah




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 4:04 pm
This is part of a develpmental stage for many children-self exploration. One can do damage and create long lasting anxiety if one reacts to this with "naughty" "bad", punishments etc. Just explain that those things one does in private and be very relaxed in your verbal and non verbal attitudes around your child.
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 4:43 pm
Yael wrote:
if she really wants to then she should do it in the bathroom. saves the embarrassment later on when others see.
works for boys too.


?!

LubavitchLeah wrote:
Just explain that those things one does in private


?!

although true some do so in private, is that what you want to encourage? Confused
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 4:43 pm
As they learn more about tznius they will stop doing that and usually by age 4 or 5 max they have stopped. I wouldn't ignore nor would I make an issue just say it's not tznius to do that thats all Confused
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Crayon210




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 4:55 pm
I think that if you make an issue out of it, it will grow into one. For little kids, exploring parts of the body that are normally covered is the same as exploring fingers, toes, ears, and noses.
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chen




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 4:59 pm
Crayon210 wrote:
I think that if you make an issue out of it, it will grow into one. For little kids, exploring parts of the body that are normally covered is the same as exploring fingers, toes, ears, and noses.


yeah, we don't really want them exploring noses in public, either, do we? (some people never outgrow that one! LOL) don't make too big a deal, just explain that it's private and not polite in public. if you get hysterical about it, they'll know something's up.
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Rivk




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 6:12 pm
I think this behavior is similar to nose picking in the sense that you really don't want to encourage it at all, but don't want to make a big deal out of it. So like Love and Logic suggests, if you can't control the behavior or action, change their location. Send them to the bathroom or bedroom. Not in an angry way, just matter of fact - we don't do that in public.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 8:44 pm
I grew up FFB. I stimulated myself as a child and a little as a teen when I was stressed out. I did not know that it is was what it was, I just liked the feeling it relaxed me.I had no idea it was s-xually related.

I do remember my mother telling me it isn't nice, if I felt I had to, than I should go to my bedroom or bathroom. Even though I didn't know the connotations, I did feel like it wasn't 100% "kosher".

It did not affect my intimate life with my dh. B'H I am happily married, personally I think it helped. Only once I was married did I realize that the feelings were the same.
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amother


 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 9:12 pm
I never totally grew out of it, either. FFB. I felt like I was doingsoething wrong, but when my mother tried to talk to me about it, I was embarrassed so I just learned to hide it. I didn't know a/t about relations then. To get a kid to stop whose doing it when their older I think takes also some explaining as to why its wrong. Maybe if their old enough write a note or s/t. Because their prob too embarrassed to talk but they should hear.
I do'nt think it causes any problems in marriage, or not for me at least.
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raizy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 15 2005, 9:51 pm
I asked my hubby he told me it is not wrong for a girl woman teen to do that.. in private off course...
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2006, 8:44 am
I think at some point children realize that it's not meant to be done in public, and of course if they need to be told it should be done in a way that doesn't give them a complex, etc.

My children are young, and when the pamper goes off, that is where their hands go...so far, I haven't mentioned anything. My oldest however, undrestands the concept of "it's not tznius," so eventually she'll put one and one together....at least I hope so.

It's not "wrong" halachically for a girl or women to stimulate herself, but it's not something that is within the spirit of Torah. Of course in some cases a woman may be told to do so, if it will help her in her intimacy with her husband. Homosexuality isn't wrong for women either, but it's not within the spirit of Torah either, so it's not encouraged.
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2006, 8:51 am
Quote:
think that if you make an issue out of it, it will grow into one. For little kids, exploring parts of the body that are normally covered is the same as exploring fingers, toes, ears, and noses.

At first yes but after it b/comes more then a habit. I just say or ask u need the washroom if not then thats not tznius and it stops I mean if she were 2 yrs then yea I would ignore but not at 4yr.
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2006, 9:03 am
Boys and men it's a major sin to stimulate themselves and something that frum parents have to discourage in little boys, yes, as young as two.

Quote:
I think at some point children realize that it's not meant to be done in public


boys/men may not do it in private either

Quote:
and of course if they need to be told it should be done in a way that doesn't give them a complex, etc.


as Rivk posted:

Quote:
I think this behavior is similar to nose picking in the sense that you really don't want to encourage it at all, but don't want to make a big deal out of it.


do parents worry about complexes when it comes to nose-picking?

Quote:
My children are young, and when the pamper goes off, that is where their hands go...so far, I haven't mentioned anything.


if they are babies in pampers you don't have to "mention anything" but you should move their hand away

and for a boy, the point is not about "tznius"
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youngmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2006, 10:01 am
Quote:
Homosexuality isn't wrong for women either, but it's not within the spirit of Torah either, so it's not encouraged.


it's ok for women?
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Boys"R"Us




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2006, 11:17 am
youngmom wrote:
Quote:
Homosexuality isn't wrong for women either, but it's not within the spirit of Torah either, so it's not encouraged.


it's ok for women?



I never knew that either. I've haven't ever come across that idea before. Anyone else?
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 05 2006, 11:18 am
she didn't say it was okay
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