Why is it so hard for me to pray?

seeker

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 2:45 pm

I also have a hard time with this. I could give you a dozen reasons ranging from childhood trauma to ADHD, but I believe that the bottom line is the yetzer hara. It's been enough years that I could have overcome all the excuses.

#BestBubby

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 2:50 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

YES!!! This is why I never understand when people talk about "connecting" to Hashem. How do you connect to Hashem when He doesn't talk to you?

By having strong belief that:

Hashem is LISTENING to you

Hashem LOVES you.

Which doesn't guarantee you will get whatever you davened for - but Hashem does listen.

And I was taught, that Tefillah (along with Teshuva and Tzedoka) can get Hashem
to "annul the decree".

Last edited by #BestBubby on Tue, Aug 23 2022, 9:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Nasturtium

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 2:50 pm

I used to struggle with this massively and I still do a lot but I’ve managed to come to some sort of understanding and peace with myself over my prayer situation.
Since high school I felt massive guilt over the fact that I hate davenning, I was taught that one has to have concentration when saying the words of the Siddur otherwise your prayer has no meaning… I never felt any connection to the words of the siddur and when I said them I felt like a fraud because even when knowing the meaning of the words I couldn’t connect. And the guilt of feeling like I’m not fulfilling the requirements caused me massive resentment so I had an immense aversion to davenning.
More recently I discovered that I was taught wrong in school, that saying the words of the siddur has meaning even when you don’t have any kavanos. That is why the anshei knesses hagdolah instituted the siddur and the words of the siddur were written with nevuah and have tons of meaning just by being spoken.
I also discovered that as women when you make your own time to speak to Hashem you are also fulfilling your requirement for tefilla. Saying the words of the siddur is very nice but not strictly necessary. Only men have the chiyuv for organised tefilla.
Since finding all this out the pressure was taken off me and my relationship towards tefilla has massively improved, I always made time to talk to Hashem and I now try to make time for that daily although I have to work on that to be consistent. And I have found myself at various times in my life recently where I found myself overwhelmed with emotion such as when I got engaged or when I had a baby or the day of my wedding, where I felt the inspiration to say tefilla in a siddur, I felt a tremendous connection through saying the words at those times because I found myself lacking the words to express my feelings and I knew that the words of the siddur incorporate all my feelings and intentions.

amother

Mintcream

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 3:05 pm

I try to add in personal prayers in shemona esrei in all the spots where it's allowed. In visein bracha, and shema koleinu - I ask for parnassah and other personal things, in refaeinu, I say the names of people who need a refuah shileima. I have more concentration and feeling this way. It does take energy, but it's called avodah shebalev - so it is work.

PinkFridge

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 3:43 pm

Debbie wrote:

You mean us women being on some higher level? Personally I might be on a higher level when the women's section is upstairs, but I can't say I feel it otherwise!

That's why I thought some people might want Twisted Evil

PinkFridge

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 3:45 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

More recently I discovered that I was taught wrong in school, that saying the words of the siddur has meaning even when you don’t have any kavanos. That is why the anshei knesses hagdolah instituted the siddur and the words of the siddur were written with nevuah and have tons of meaning just by being spoken.

And whatever we do know re kavanos, there's so much more the Anshei Kneses Hagedolah put into tefila.
Still, it's admirable - if not obligatory - to have kavana during the first bracha of Shemona Esrei. And Shema.

amother

Bone

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 4:04 pm

my daughter has a naturally soft, low voice and never got stickers for davening.

I told her the following:

all davening is precious, even one passuk, once a day : hashem loves it.

you can stand in shul without mouthing anything, just your heart towards hashem; hashem loves it.

nobody can define kavana. Davening with your head thinking of something else, if you dont have koach for any other way is totally ok: hashem loves it.

the words of the siddur is mostly about praising and connecting to hashem...just daven any teeny bit you could; hashem loves it.

we can daven to hashem to helps up through our pain and torment; this automatically gives connection and a bit more strenghth....

amother

Yarrow

Tue, Aug 23 2022, 8:07 pm

I didn't read all the responses but I've had a very hard time just sitting down and davening from a siddur since I'm little. I find it very hard to connect.

I recently heard a shiur on davening through hisbodedus, basically you go somewhere quiet (preferably in nature), you first thank Hashem for all the good in your life, then ask mechila for your aveiros and then ask your bakashos in your own words. It's been so life changing for me and I feel I connect so much better this way.

amother

Impatiens

Thu, Aug 25 2022, 9:56 pm

I can share some things that help me connect in davening:

1) Sing the davening - I read this tip in a Mishpacha interview a while ago with a Breslover Rav. And I don't mean the tunes that we learned in elementary school (though maybe that will help some people too). I like to make up my own tunes to reflect the meaning/emotion of the words. (My family's gotten used to me doing this, but if other people heard they'd probably think I'm cuckoo Very Happy

) It helps me concentrate. Sometimes I "sing" in a whisper during shmoneh esrei too to a moving tune that I know (for ex: "v'lyerushalayim ircha...")

2) This one is really powerful for me. For a few minutes before beginning davening, I'll sit down, take a few deep breaths, try to clear my head and then I listen to a song that moves me, with headphones (that makes it more immersive). It awakens my heart and helps me start davening in a connected, emotional way. Here are a few of my personal favorites - I keep a playlist in youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6hnYAEUV2M
https://www.youtube.com/watch?.....dex=1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?.....dex=6
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW1yg5MNAeM

3) Before last Yom Kippur, I committed to going off of all social media (besides imamother which I check for just a few minutes a day). I noticed a huge difference in my davening since then - my mind is so much less cluttered with all the noise and static that I was constantly exposed to.

4) Meditating regularly creates a mental muscle with several benefits related to tefillah - among them: general concentration ability is greatly improved and secondly, ability to immerse yourself within a higher mental/emotional space is greatly enhanced. Even just meditating 10 minutes a day will help "exercise" this mental muscle. (Which will also help greatly with my next point.)

5) Imagination is an extremely powerful tool - firstly, for harnessing your mind to focus on whatever it is that you want, and secondly for evoking emotion which then makes your tefillah so powerful. I use this at many points throughout davening and it often brings me to tears. I'd be happy to elaborate on this with some examples if anyone wants, but for a more thorough explanation of the mechanism, this shiur is great: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pILmVbb5OGg

6) Whatever thoughts that are distracting you, especially if they are real concerns, concentrate deeply on the underlying emotion and channel that emotion into the appropriate tefillah. For example, if I am worried about a health issue, I will focus on my anxiety and fear and during "refa'einu" I will beg Hashem with that fear and anxiety. If I'm worried about a relative who is going off the derech, I will tap into that sadness and concern while saying "hashiveinu avinu". It's more than just keeping it in mind intellectually. You summon up all the emotions that you have attached to the concern and pour them into the tefillah. I don't have a source for this or know if it's even true, but I envision it as a korban - tefillah is our replacement nowadays for korbanos. Our emotions are in some ways part of our animal self, and when you round them up and channel them all into your tefillah to Hashem, you're elevating those lower parts of yourself to Hashem.

7) I find that the more I am feeding my spiritual side regularly (learning - especially hashkafa and chassidus, etc.) the more of a state of an expanded consciousness I am in which helps me appreciate deeply the concepts in the tefillos I am saying and connect to them on a very deep, expansive level.

8) In the same vein as above, learning in a deep way about Hashem's infinite kindness and incredible love for us helps me connect to Him in davening in a deep way.

9) I'll end with one last personal experience. At some point over this past year, I was feeling very disconnected spiritually and disconnected in my tefillah. I was so frustrated that I started crying while I was davening, asking Hashem to help me be connected. It sounds weird to say, but I truly feel that I was granted a gift almost immediately afterwards. From then on for a long time, every time I start shmoneh esrei I feel something I can't describe, that touches me to the core and brings me to tears feeling like I am truly in His presence. So, after (and with) all your hishtadlus, don't forget to ask Him to bring you close.

PinkFridge

Fri, Aug 26 2022, 7:27 am

amother Impatiens wrote:

) It helps me concentrate. Sometimes I "sing" in a whisper during shmoneh esrei too to a moving tune that I know (for ex: "v'lyerushalayim ircha...")

This post - the whole post, I had to snip so as not to annoy - is beautiful and should be reread regularly.

amother

Impatiens

Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:18 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

This post - the whole post, I had to snip so as not to annoy - is beautiful and should be reread regularly.

Thank you! Heart

(I’m glad someone actually read it!)