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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Guests
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Aug 28 2022, 6:55 pm
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I gave a(not so close relative) 2 bedrooms she just used for sleeping, as she had a Simcha close to me. She thanked me but didn’t give any gift. I don’t need it but was expecting something. Am I wrong?
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amother
Lightpink
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 6:57 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I gave a(not so close relative) 2 bedrooms she just used for sleeping, as she had a Simcha close to me. She thanked me but didn’t give any gift. I don’t need it but was expecting something. Am I wrong? |
It's a nice gesture, but not an expectation.
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ettilou
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 6:58 pm
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I think it was wrong. I recently asked a neighbor to y friends for sleeping only for 3 nights. I sent a large fruit platter for her to enjoy with her einiklach Shabbos afternoon.
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Sewsew_mom
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:00 pm
Question is what were you expecting? What if she gave you something small and meaningless to you, does that count as a gift?
Also sometimes people only get their act together after the simcha and than distribute something.. So sorry you feel a bit cheated.
I guess hang in there see if she drops something by.. If not you did a huge chessed...
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amother
Fuchsia
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:08 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I gave a(not so close relative) 2 bedrooms she just used for sleeping, as she had a Simcha close to me. She thanked me but didn’t give any gift. I don’t need it but was expecting something. Am I wrong? |
Giving a gift is mentshlich. You’re not wrong. But if you don’t expect you don’t get disappointed.
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amother
Snapdragon
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:11 pm
Yes.
It is not about the gift or it’s value or usefulness to you. It is about showing appreciation and hakarat hatov.
Nobody needs the gift (I hope) but it is appropriate to send one, and feels like entitlement not to.
The exception being if you go back and forth all the time and have decided (and it was a spoken decision) that it is just silly at this point.
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zaq
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:11 pm
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Proper etiquette is to bring a gift, called a "bread and butter" gift, but it's also acceptable to send it afterwards.
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fiji
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:13 pm
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There is a mitzvah of hachnasas orchim. A gift is nice but certainly not necessary.
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amother
Aster
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:24 pm
We have ppl stay by us all the time,
Sometimes for sleeping and sometimes for eating and sleeping. It’s completely not expected for them to give a gift and I never even thought about it. The times someone does give something, it’s appreciated and almost unexpected.
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amother
Papayawhip
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:54 pm
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It’s unusual and when it happened to me I just said woohoo I get the entire reward for hachnosas orchim
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amother
Poppy
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Sun, Aug 28 2022, 7:57 pm
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While I would hope I would think to give a gift if someone didn't give me I would let it go and not think twice and be DLKZ.
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amother
Mint
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 5:51 pm
I do not host bc I want a gift
I do it for a mitzva of Hachnosas Orchim
Read about Avrram Avnu what he did for his guests.
He is our role model
In American its unfortunate we have learnt we "deserve" a gift , small or large
Lets not think what is mentchlach for someone else to do. lets do what we need to do.
I personally do NOT want any gifts, I feel it takes away from the Mitzva.
Lets re focus
Avraham Avinu went to prepare cows for his guest, he was not looking if they brought him any platters...
Wishing all to be Zoche to the ultimate Schar, which is much greater than any platter or a vase.
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amother
Amaranthus
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 6:17 pm
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Sometimes people have too much going on and don’t have time to get a gift.
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amother
Topaz
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 6:22 pm
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I get so overwhelmed to the point of barely functioning that many times I did not send over a gift when I really should have. I’m embarrassed.
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amother
Lawngreen
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 6:38 pm
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Funny this came up. Dh stayed by a relative and I asked him to bring a gift and he thought they would be offended and didn’t. I don’t know who was right!
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amother
Orchid
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 7:01 pm
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We dont normally have guests to stay over as currently only have room for guests on main floor - really only for family. But when we have company over for meals, sometimes they bring a gift, sometimes not. I do not expect one. A candy platter is nice, but my kids do not need more candy. Those that come with a small decorative tray, bowl or container - it usually just ends up in the charity shop. And I really do not need another blue bottle of Bartenura!
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amother
Aubergine
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 7:05 pm
Ofc they should have given a gift. Why is that even a question?
Ladies buy a bunch of bartenuras and store them in your pantry for gift emergencies. Its not hard!
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amother
Pistachio
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 7:08 pm
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I always bring, but if someone didn't give me, I'd just assume one of the following scenarios a) they are socially unaware of the accepted etiquette b) they feel so close to me it's like staying with family c) they forgot/can't afford. Any of those scenarios don't bother me, actually if it's b) it makes me feel good. It bothers me more, when someone who I know really can't afford it, brings me something they spent $ on.
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asmileaday
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 7:17 pm
| amother Aubergine wrote: | Ofc they should have given a gift. Why is that even a question?
Ladies buy a bunch of bartenuras and store them in your pantry for gift emergencies. Its not hard! |
Look at what the poster right before you wrote. She does not need another Bartenura!
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amother
Papayawhip
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Thu, Sep 01 2022, 7:39 pm
Just want to add that when you say “just sleeping” there’s still a lot of work involved. I don’t do it for the gift, I do it for the mitzvah so I don’t expect any gift. But when you say “just sleeping” to me it seems you may not realized what’s involved. (Washing, preparing linens; making sure room and bathroom are very clean; setting up lights, drinks; figuring out the key/lock situation for when they come home
Friday night and I’m sleeping; making sure I’m around Friday afternoon when they arrive to show them around; keeping the kids quiet in the morning so as not to disturb; and in general the slight inconvenience of having strangers in my home- I’m an introvert. Like I said, I gladly do it when feeling up to it)
Oh and PS my favorite wine is Bartenura Rose. And if you bring cheap red wine that’s great,
I have cooking wine on hand  but really no gift is needed
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