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Dear diary (weight loss journey)

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2022, 5:22 am
Day 1
Dear diary
My goal is to eat healthy and loose iyH 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Some of the main reasons I want to loose weight are; feeling more energetic, glowing skin, excited to get dressed and go out, more confidence in public, feeling more attractive do dh.
I know externals are not all and there is a lot internally I've got to work on but this weight loss journey will also be about my emotional world, it goes hand in hand.
There are many things that have been preventing me from maintaining a long term diet in the past. You see my middle names are Mrs codependant, people pleaser, empaths, poor self discipline, poor impulse control and ADD(all part I guess).
They are all distractions and triggers that take me away from mindful eating.
I want to journal my journey daily to keep me on track
Please add your diary entry too so we can form some kind of emotional eating support group Hi
Im starting my day now and I want to add my next entry after lunch. In beginning im going to be checking in 3 times a day. Only way I can keep on track.
Have a great day X
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2022, 6:29 pm
Dear diary
Im sitting here feeling sick. tired and upset. I binged so much this afternoon. My stomach hurts when I lie down.
Living with ADD is like listening to 20 songs in one go and trying to learn the lyrics all at once. My mind has more thoughts before breakfast than people have in one day. I was really good till 4pm. I wrote a journal at 12 30 and it by mistake got deleted. I did lots of self talk this morning that really helped me stay on track. I ate cereal (very rare) apple for snack and avpcado salad for lunch. I did all this whilst sitting and chewing my food slowly. (very rare). Every time I felt my mind going off and too many tabs opened up I decided to write every idea down on a list callled 'things to do on a calm day' eg cook that fancy dinner dd loves, organise the play room. All these ideas kept popping into my head this morning but I kept quieting it down (things I would have usually jumped into doing). I then also sat down and did the rarest thing for someone like. I sat and wrote a to do list. It was painful slowing down but I was happy I did. I wrote a list of the 4 main tasks that had to be done before 1. cook dinner, put up a load, set the room up for the sale and call sheitel appt. I offered to host a pop up sale in my house in the afternoon. My people pleasing nature pushed me to take out the spray and cloths and start a deep clean so the customers can see a perfect place. I even managed to stop that with self talk. Told myself Id rather do a 70percent than 0. I dont have to be all or nothing. Gray is healthy and stable.
Sale went really well bH and by then my head was hurting. Haven gone off sugar I started feeling withdrawl symptoms which is normal for me. I should have listened to my body and slowed down till the children walk in. Instead I went out and exhausted my energies. Then came the text. I was asked to take on a job offer for the next few days. Something I knew but they warned me it'll be on short notice. I had already taken on something for this week. I want to please both parties. I'd rather burn myself to keep both warm (thats what a people pleaser feels like) . I acted flattering and pleasing to both. My head was spinning. I called dh to ask if im wrong for taking on both. Am I being a doormat?(biggest trigger). It was all getting too much. I need to please both and yet not feel abused. Thats when the pantry door opened. I ATE AND ATE AND ATE AND ATE. then came the foggy brain, the intense tiredness. With my wig still on my head I started frying the shnitzl so that all the kiddos should be happy when they walk in. In walked in my precious kiddos. I wanted to listen to what they all had to say. I know what its like not to feel heard. My belly felt heavy, I lean over the counter. Tell them all to come up to my bedroom and relax with book whilst I doze off into a heavy slumber. In walks dh, I come down and continue pleasing. I feel sick. Im glad when its time to put kids to sleep so I can lie horizontal in dd bed.
Friend text me "are we doing early morning gym?" I text back will let u know. I want to but only when Im ALL but then I remember Im on a journey its not black or white. Its gonna be a colorful one. I hope Ill be better tommorow. Going to make an appt with my therapist.
Bye for now..
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amother




Arcticblue
 

Post Tue, Sep 06 2022, 7:42 pm
I can so relate to your post.
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andrea levy




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2022, 2:14 am
My head quieted right down ADD and all when I went low carb. It’s a thing in all my family members. We all function better on low carb.

At the very least, eat real food. It seriously helps.

Please know that my head was a mess before my journey started but when you feel physically well, plus the triggers of upset that can be caused by sugars and grains go away, life gets easier to deal with. Especially with assistance like therapy.

My doctor who is the head of a large anxiety clinic has told me of a number of folks ( not by name) who are ‘like you ( me.)’ before they coujd work in their issues they had to take trigger foods out .

I am not saying that I am never stressed or anxious but it tends to be for good reason. Like the massive quantities of work in nursing school, as opposed to me hating myself as I used to.

YMMV
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2022, 8:54 am
andrea levy wrote:
My head quieted right down ADD and all when I went low carb. It’s a thing in all my family members. We all function better on low carb.

At the very least, eat real food. It seriously helps.

Please know that my head was a mess before my journey started but when you feel physically well, plus the triggers of upset that can be caused by sugars and grains go away, life gets easier to deal with. Especially with assistance like therapy.

My doctor who is the head of a large anxiety clinic has told me of a number of folks ( not by name) who are ‘like you ( me.)’ before they coujd work in their issues they had to take trigger foods out .

I am not saying that I am never stressed or anxious but it tends to be for good reason. Like the massive quantities of work in nursing school, as opposed to me hating myself as I used to.

YMMV

This is really interesting to hear. I always thought I need to work on my emotions so I dont get triggered to eat my unhealthy comfort foods.
For me white flour, sugar and diary is the biggest trigger to my ADD brain.
Thanks for that.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2022, 9:13 am
Dear Diary
Its 2 oclock and so far its been good with my healthy eating. I want to slow down and write about it so hopefully Ill feel more in control for the rest of the day. Later is trickier.
Woke up this morning to once again a flood of thoughts and ideas. Bake challah, cake, make a few side dishes for YT. With these thoughts I usually start my day by putting my hand in the cookie jar as I wave my kids goodbye.
Today I begged myself to please try again, yesterday morning was good.
9am I slowed down and ate a plate of cereal. Then I wrote a to do list. which wasnt easy to sit down and do. keep the list simple with self compassion! I reminded myself. I wrote 4 main things and got to work.
11am - "If I bake a cake for friend that had a baby then dh might be upset I never bake for him." thought Mrs compulsive people pleaser. " so ill bake for friend and then make something nice for dinner for dh" decided Mrs approval seeker whilst rubbing her forehead.
When I start doing self work , I always get into this anxiety (all or nothing) of trying to make it ALL GOOD. I then managed to self talk myself out of it being okay to feel like this and just do how much you can.
I have this fear of being stepped over or controlled, coming from childhood wounds. I reminded myself gently that Im not being controlled its just a decision I can make.
My stomach started calling me desp for some comfort. I felt like I needed a huge meal. I took an apple and sat down slowly to eat.
2pm Baked half the amount I wanted to out of self compassion. Kindly told myself that my back is hurting and Im tired from being out early in the gym. Took myself up to my bed now with my healthy lunch - spelt crackers, eggs, lettuce, olives and hummos. My cleaner is cleaning the kitchen, dont like eating in front of her(people pleasing). Going to go to sleep now for an hour so I can be refreshed for the second half of the day and hopefully be as healthy as up till now.
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momsprince




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2022, 9:48 am
I'm enjoying your posts. They're very relatable.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 07 2022, 6:48 pm
Dear diary
BH I made it!! I ate healthy all day and didnt binge once. This is huge.
The afternoon was BH really good as I gave myself as much self care as I could within the chaos.
I went to sleep after 2 and woke up with such a headache. Too short sleep but I had to run to fetch my boy. I called a friend, which is against my people pleasing nature, and asked her to fetch my son and Ill by her in 30mins. I never do this but I felt that I needed to listen to my body. Im learning to really listen to my abandoned inner child.
3:30pm I went out feeling much BH.
4pm I sipped a hot coffee and just sat on my sofa waiting calmly for my kids to arrive. My head felt clear unlike yesterday. Most unusual spot to see me at this hour.
4-6m I was able to actually be present at dinner. Sat at the table and made sure each child was eating. Very unusual for me.
6pm Dh walked in earlier than expected and my first reaction was quick quick make sure his food is ready. Instead I told him that I need to sit down and eat my own dinner I prepared - grilled fish , veg and spelt crackers. Then I calmly stood up to finish his off. He only eats at 7
The rest of evening I managed to do things I needed to without the heaviness
I have lots to add how my people pleasing nature played out today. Im just so tired to type further.
see ya tomorrow. I hope ill be strong tomorrow. I ate a little too little today. Need to add more food.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 12:49 pm
Day 3
Dear diary
Im so upset, I just ate a whole load of junk because I couldn't self regulate. It wasn't a full blown binge bH. I came up to my bedroom now just to collect my thoughts and start again. My poor kids waiting for me downstairs. I want to get up again and be good till I go to sleep. That will help me internalize not living all or nothing. Its okay that I messed up and Ill get up again.
My emotions were a mixture of anxiety and people pleasing.
I sent someone a few cooked things for shabbes. I realised after one of the ingredients were out of date. What if they have suffer stomach issues cos of me chas vesholom. causing another person pain is my BIGGEST trigger.
Another thing, someone was telling me a very disturbing story that happened to them. It completly knocked me over.
I walked in the door and with one hand I grabbed my phone just to chat and gain as much reassurance I can from others that Im okay. With other hand I grabbed a handful of choc chips and ate too soothe my frayed nerves.
I want to sit on the sofa sipping a hot tea. I .never drink hot drinks but I feel it calms me.
Cooking for someone else shabbes, people pleasing big time in the process. wanting to make a perfect shabbes!! how can I let them down. Cooking and baking a million different things and neglecting my poor own self

Im going to pack away todays cooking and cross off the milion other things I had on my list and just slow down and be present. Just slow down....you are perfect and you must stop trying to please .

Take a deep breath in ... and out and take it easy. I hear dh walking in. Hes probably so upset and the mess. Im sad.
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