The impact of becoming the only child at home

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 7:14 pm

My tween became the only one at home roughly a month ago and he's become a lot more demanding, more difficult and all around more cheeky since. I feel that it's the impact of his being my and DH's main focus but there isn't much we can do about it.

He finishes school late, often has friends over and we don't pressure him in any real way but he's got to listen, cooperate and tidy up after himself etc.

Any advice/insight?

amother

Apple

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 7:20 pm

Did he really change that much or are you noticing more because he’s your main focus?
Also, it’s lonely and boring to be the only child home. I’d cut him some slack.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 7:22 pm

It could possibly be other factors that are affecting him. Namely: puberty, and cold/virus thing going around, etc.
give it some time. Put down a few basic non negotiable ground rules and let the rest be flexible as things change and he gets older.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 7:25 pm

He's 'got to' listen and do those other things? What does that even mean? All of us do things when we see a reason to do them. Otherwise we don't, and we experience what happens when we don't.

Maybe you should have a talk about that. Hear his perspective, then maybe he'll hear yours and work with you on new systems that make sense to both of you. Kids are more likely to cooperate when their relationship with their parents is in a good place. Mutually respectful and trusting, and some quality time spent together. But these years can be rough. For some families tweens are worse, for some teens.

amother

Pear

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 7:28 pm

Op respectfully, your child isn’t ‘an only’ (which is usually short for ‘an only child’ He is the ‘only one home’ VERY VERY a DIFFERENT THINGS and also potentially triggering to any imas who have truly have ‘an only’ (not by choice) please consider modifying your subject name

amother

Birch

Tue, Sep 06 2022, 7:44 pm

I have what I consider to be two only children because of the age difference and difference in interests. They are each very demanding. I totally relate.

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 1:59 am

amother Pear wrote:

This, so much this. OP, please change your subject line. I have an actual only child. A teenager. And this thread subject line is very different than your actual situation.
Having an only is very different than all of a sudden having one child at home.
And possibly he feels the change so he is acting up a bit.

amother

Brass

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 2:44 am

My youngest sister had a year when she was the only one living at home, when she was about fourteen. She said she was going to spend the time being an only child, and getting as spoiled as she could possibly manage. I don't know about spoiled, but she did get a lot of attention that year, and had treats that were too expensive for a family but ok for one.

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 2:46 am

amother Brass wrote:

Just because someone is an only child does not mean they are automatically spoiled. Many who have only one child try very hard not to spoil their one child.

The stereotyping in this thread is extremely hurtful.

amother

Brass

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 2:52 am

She was fourteen, so of course she went in for stereotypes. If she was the only one at home, she was getting all she could out of the situation.

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 2:54 am

amother Brass wrote:

She was fourteen, so of course she went in for stereotypes. If she was the only one at home, she was getting all she could out of the situation.

My point was that just because someone is an only child does not automatically mean they are spoiled. Thats what your post sounded like. And its just not true. My only is the farthest thing from being spoiled. We as her parents make sure of that.

amother

Camellia

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:57 am

I have an only and of course she is more spoiled than children of big families.

We more readily buy ices etc.

I get to sit in the park just with her and spend hours together. Even if I don't intentionally spoil her, it just happens that she comes along more places with us and gets her own toys.

I plan my menu around her because what would be the point otherwise.

It's inevitable but we try for it to be the healthiest possible by having a set bedtime, no excessive nosh etc.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 7:30 am

amother Camellia wrote:

It's ok for her to get these treats. She doesn't have siblings - she's missing out on that. We all have our own peckel.

I also allow my only child more than the average. Nobody has it all. Not have siblings is a big deal.

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 7:50 am

amother Camellia wrote:

Here it is again. I dont know why people say this. An only child does not have to "of course" be spoiled. And yes, an only child may get more of something than another child that has siblings, but that does not mean the child is spoiled.

amother

Camellia

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 9:35 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

That's my opinion with having an only.

You can beg to differ.

It is inevitable that she is more spoiled. Even if I am consciously trying not to overdo anything, fact is, she gets my undivided resources being money, time and attention.

Perhaps we're defining spoiled differently.

I mean to say, that she is getting way more investment than say I was when growing up in a huge family.

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 9:37 am

I'm sorry for those who found it triggering. I especially wrote "only" in parentheses so it would be clear. I'll change it. For the record, I have a small family myself so I understand the pain on some level.

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 9:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you. Please do.

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 9:50 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

Thank you. Please do.

Done

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 10:15 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Let me preface this by saying that we have a very loving, close relationship. When I say 'listen' I don't mean in an "I'm the mother you have to listen to me" type of way. It's the regular things that are taken for granted that he's making a fuss about (like getting into pyjamas, putting on shoes, getting ready for school etc.) but the main issue now is that he's being very disrespectful when things aren't to his liking.

You're right that we need to talk.

He seems to have become much more demanding and though we spend a considerable amount of quality time together, nothing ever seems good enough of late.

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 10:22 am

amother Butterscotch wrote:

...An only child does not have to "of course" be spoiled. And yes, an only child may get more of something than another child that has siblings, but that does not mean the child is spoiled.

True.

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