Developing daughter. How do I have the talk?? Help please

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 8:42 am

Please don’t judge. Please. I know I should’ve done this earlier. But I feel so awkward about the whole topic and kept pushing it off. I know it’s wrong, and that’s why I’m posting here now. I need help.

So she just turned 10 and is clearly developing. The problem is we haven’t had a single conversation yet about anything. My mom was always awkward about it so now I’m awkward about it but I really want to change the cycle.

Can someone please walk me through this, step by step? Like, how do I start? Do I pull her away from her siblings and say I want to talk privately? I’ve never done anything like that before, they’ll all be clamoring to know what’s going on. Or do I just find a time that she’s alone and jump right to it? And what do I lead with? I seriously need a script, starting with DD, there’s something we need to talk about.

Can anyone write me a script?? That sounds so crazy but I’m having so much anxiety over this! I really want her to love her body and not feel awkward about it but I just don’t know how to do that.

Also what do I need to tell her now? That her body is changing, and she’ll wear a bra soon? That soon she’ll be growing hair in certain places? Do I tell her about periods?

I wasn’t ready for this yet! Please help this helpless mama!!!

amother

Crocus

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 8:59 am

I went to a talk about this recently..specifically for this age.

I have a 10 yo also starting to develop and I also pushed it off the whole summer.
I really wanted to do it in the middle of the holidays so by the time school starts it wont be at the forefront of her head so shel be less inclined to talk about it with friends. Oh well..
And I really really want her to find out from me and Not from others.
I need to do it already...

Also, I keep forgetting to buy pads, so I can show her aswel.

My mom also never had these proper talks with me.

I will try and post some of it a bit later.

amother

Watermelon

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 9:09 am

Why don’t you take her out for lunch or shopping… have the talk then when you are out.

Start by saying you are a beautiful wonderful girl and daughter.

You probably have noticed that your body is beginning to change….this is because your body is getting ready to be a woman, you might have noticed more hair on ur legs, under ur arms, privates, it’s all normal.

Ppl usually start to smell a lil and we wear deodorant for that.

We can use a shaver for the hair we don’t want

We wear a bra to keep our chest looking good, they will continue to grow, and change sizes until they are fully developed. We will go to the store now and get you starts and as you change will we get you new sizes and styles.

You will start to have something called a period, it comes every month, it’s when ur body bleeds, this blood was meant to help a baby grow, it’s a huge Bracha IMH, when u are married and ready a baby will be implanted and need you to supply blood.

For now this blood leaves ur body each month. Woman use/ wear different things to catch the blood so it doesn’t make a mess. Most girls start out with what is called a pad, it’s something that you put in ur underwear and you change it as often as you need, so it doesn’t leak or smell. Some ppl may not feel good and they take medicine for like like Advil or Tylenol. The bleeding usually lasts for 4-7 days depending on your body.

After this we can go to CVS and buy all the things you need. We will buy a special container for them for you to keep in the bathroom.

We will also make a little pouch for you to keep in your backpack (locker) so you can have in school for when you need, we will put in there a change of underwear just in case….

Mommy and Totty love you so much!!!

Do you have any questions honey? How do u feel about all of this, I know it’s a lot of information…

Something along these lines

amother

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 11:35 am

amother Watermelon wrote:

Wow thank you!! I asked for a script, and you really delivered! I can’t even explain to you how this is calming me down. This was so so helpful, thank you!!!

amother

Peony

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 12:23 pm

Miriam Davidson has the most sound advice on how to talk to your daughter, she gave a talk through the organization ohel miriam
641-715-3800 access code 444657.
Press 17

read "The Wonders of Becoming You" and "Heart to Heart" together with DDs

op I totally get it that u feel awk. With dd1 our natures are compatible and we talk about anything and eveyrthing

Dd2 isn't feelings type of person and it was harder for me to be the adult

Gluck

There are many many threads here on this topic w some fabulous advice

amother

Whitesmoke

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 1:32 pm

I just had a talk with my Dr I have a 10 yr old.
Regarding deodorant-I have sprayed deodorant in my room when my daughter came to my bedroom. Her father has even don't that in front of her. When she asked what it was I told her that when she gets to be a preteen/teenager she will start wearing it. This conversation I had when she was younger more than once. Like I said I have used deodorant in front of her. When I hug her she says she can smell me there I smell good. Recently I showed her the different kinds of smell I buy and let her smell it. Before the summer I asked her if she noticed her friends starting to develop she said she hadn't. I'm lucky she wasn't one of the first. I again told her her body is preparing her to become a woman-we discussed bring bas mitzvah. Become a teenager that eventually becomes an adult. During the summer during she told me during swimming she noticed some girls awkwardly hiding tainted bras. But she wasn't so shy and some of them even told her proudly what store it was bought in. I told her. Everyone develops differently at different rates. O e day she will wear it and one day she will wear a real bra. I also told her in that discussion that her breast might hurt a bit or bother her, breast tenderness while it grows. I Just like sometimes her legs hurt her ,growing pains when she gets taller. I also breifly told her about getting a discharge and teenage pimples.My dr said after the breast grows she will get public hair. She didn't develop yet so I didn't have that discussion also my dr say it takes about 2 years after that to get her period. I will leave that discussion for after the public hairs come. She will need to digest all the information. The discussion was more about her turning into a teenager. She knows teenagers are different they have different bodies, they stay up later. She has many cousins and neighbors in that category. The part of her body being beautiful I will leave for when I have a discussion with her about period.

amother

Crocus

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:04 pm

This thread is good because its really good reminder for me.

I just bought pads want to have a talk with mine really soon.

Just wondering , whats the balance between telling her at 10 and expecting her not to speak to others.
She is not the most mature child to really keep it private, and I was the op of the thread that she told a neighbours child where a baby comes from...

But, at the same time even if its too early, I really really want her to find out from me, but If I do that ,she might be passing it on to girls whos mothers havent spoken to them yet...??

amother

Whitesmoke

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:18 pm

That's why I didn't tell my daughter yet. Hope other mothers and kids know when to say something. I feel if I told my daughter this much, she will be confortable coming to me for more information. I can always correct misinformatiomsh. At 12 many girl would have it already. I would imagine it would be a more open discussion in 6th grade. And the 5th graders getting it are more private about it. In any case I plan to wait until December/January when the oldest kids in her class will turn 11 hopefully there isn't a reason to tell her before that. But I will play it by ear.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:30 pm

I would try to do it in piecemeal. I think all this info can be a bit overwhelming.

I don't have a daughter that age. My son is 12 and we just naturally talk about it from time to time. Any time he brings certain things up. At night when he's going to bed for example.

I would take her to the store and show her the aisles on deodorant and pads because kids have their preferences. I remember feeling so embarrassed buying pads. I think it would have helped is I saw my mother buying it very nonchalantly.

Also I really liked this idea I heard from the intimacy summit. Difference between secret and sacred. Everything about her body changing is special and beautiful and sacred, but it's not a secret and it's not shameful.

amother

Crocus

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:34 pm

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

What do you mean bit by bit?

I wouldnt know where to start..

I was too late with telling her about chaim walder. I had just heard a talk how to tell her and was planning to, and the next day she came home with all the information in way more graphic details then I would have told her. TMI

amother

Lemonchiffon

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:41 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

Things come up.

Example. My daughter asked me the other day when she will have breasts like a Mommy (she didn't use these words) maybe because she likes touching me there so we have spoken about it.

My son was noticing my deodorant so I told him that as he gets older he will start to sweat under his arms and there are different deodorants that neutralize the smell.

Kids asking about how babies are born is a big conversation.

Kids telling you that they have pain down there, you can have a discussion about what is down there.

So many opportunities.

amother

Crocus

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:45 pm

amother Lemonchiffon wrote:

We have spoken about all these things before.
They see me and my husband always using deodorants, they dont even blink.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Wed, Sep 07 2022, 3:51 pm

amother Crocus wrote:

We have spoken about all these things before.
They see me and my husband always using deodorants, they dont even blink.

Didn't realize. The OP said that she didn't talk to her daughter about anything. I think it would be overwhelming to talk about everything in one conversation.

Of the only thing she didn't t know is about her period I wouldn't do it in piecemeal.

Regarding that she will blabber to all her friends I have no advice but I don't think this is a big secret. I don't see mothers being upset about it. It's good for kids to talk to each other about it. They shouldn't feel embarrassed by it. It's regular girl talk. You know your daughter best though.