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How do you marry off kids when you're unable to save?
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:01 am
My oldest is only 15 but I’ve been worrying about making weddings for a long time. We live paycheck to paycheck, have about 1 month of living expenses saved, and a small 401k that we’ve only started contributing to in the last couple of years. We don’t have major debt besides for our house. But thinking about marrying off my kids keeps me up at night and causes me a tremendous amount of worry.
What do I do?
What can we do? The cost of living is insane. There is nothing left over to save. And even if we can put away a little bit a month it’ll be nowhere near enough to make weddings.

Is a home equity loan my only option? How do I stay sane knowing we can’t afford to marry off our kids, let alone help them out financially like my husband I were helped out in the beginning. It fills me with dread, sadness, worry, and shame.

I can’t be the only one. But when I looked through all these threads of people sharing financial struggles I have yet to see this mentioned. Do most people not worry about things in the future? I mean even if your oldest is 8 that means you’re only 10 years away from this and if you’re not planning for it, you’ll be in the same situation!

I do have plans to speak to a financial advisor about my options. But I guess im just looking for support and to hear if anyone else struggles with these thoughts.
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amother




Oxfordblue
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:18 am
You describe my situation exactly. I have a few months saved up emergency fund and 100,000 in the 401(k). I have a small mortgage but I simply can’t save for kids weddings. I try my best to follloe Dave Ramsey but I struggle so much with the question of saving for weddings. I will be following this thread.
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amother




Honeysuckle
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:35 am
If your kids work before getting married, their savings can contribute to the wedding costs.
DH and I paid the vast majority of the costs, with minimal help from his parents and no help from my parents.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:38 am
Same here. Month to month and dont have any savings.
I guess it will have to be a smaller and simpler affair. No other way.
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amother




Marigold
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:43 am
The answer is very simple - your children will have to marry for the amount they can afford or you can contribute a minimal amount.

To bankrupt yourself in order to provide a costly wedding for your children is not a wise decision.

This is just another unrealistically expensive *tax* that is self imposed.

In the rest of the world people have modest weddings that they can afford - even in the frum world many imamothers have posted about their own modest but lovely weddings because their parents couldn't afford to pay for a lavish wedding.

Also on a scale of priorities even if one had a spare $30,000 wouldn't it make more sense for it to be used to help with a down payment or just as a nest egg for a couple to be invested?
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amother




Holly
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:45 am
Likewise. I worry about seminary and weddings. We are definitely getting closer. I’m thinking the following.

1) marry people from same financial situation
2) borrow from 401k
3) home equity line from the house
4) don’t offer to support the kid more than what the kid’s monthly tuition was
5) encourage all of the kids to start working when they are young (tutoring, camp counselor, babysitting)
6) teach all of the kids a trade, like it says in the Gemara
7) strongly discourage high lifestyle
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snailmail




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 2:18 pm
I relate so well to this. I have to beg for tuition reduction, providing an accounting for almost every penny but it goes up every year more than our combined salary. And so does the credit card bills. We have 5k in savings at moment which we were planning on house renovations / extension. We started a savings account for each kid many years ago, but since then had 1 more and have stopped adding anything to the others. I have no clue how we would pay for Seminary, college, or wedding. Nevermind about downpayment or support. Every tax rebate, or stimulus check goes to pay off credit card but it still keeps going up. We daven but I dont see any end in sight.
I am referring to myself here: Worrying does not help anything, we do our hishtadlus and try to have some emunah that it will work out.
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amother




Aquamarine
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:34 pm
Please calm down. Please learn some chovos halvavos. you are worrying way too much. Hashem is carrying the burden. You are doing what you can.

Really, please learn and strengthen yourself in bitachon. Your life will change.

Why would I worry now about marrying off? It's wrong to worry. You can try to put away money but once you learn to just leave it up to Hashem He will send you money.

Please try, so that when the time comes, you will be calm and a great role model for your children. You will believe with all your heart, and you will know, that Hashem will send you what you need, from places that you did not imagine.

Unfortunately this is foreign to some of us who did not grow up like this.

Every time I say this there are posters who bash and say I'm wrong, they come up with bitachon and hishtadlus ratios and are so focused on their jobs as sources of income that they dont realize Hashem has a million ways to send you money. and no, if you dont believe it will not come. But if you do, and you don't doubt for a minute, then it will literally show up.

Before you bash you need to work on this with all your might. Because it works.

Wishing you lots of clarity and no anxiety. Anxiety about money has no place in a Jewish mother's heart, there is a remedy. There is a solution. Hashem is the solution. We need to just relearn what we were taught about hishtadlus/bitachon. We need to focus much more on true bitachon.
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amother




Purple
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 9:38 pm
amother Aquamarine wrote:
Please calm down. Please learn some chovos halvavos. you are worrying way too much. Hashem is carrying the burden. You are doing what you can.

Really, please learn and strengthen yourself in bitachon. Your life will change.

Why would I worry now about marrying off? It's wrong to worry. You can try to put away money but once you learn to just leave it up to Hashem He will send you money.

Please try, so that when the time comes, you will be calm and a great role model for your children. You will believe with all your heart, and you will know, that Hashem will send you what you need, from places that you did not imagine.

Unfortunately this is foreign to some of us who did not grow up like this.

Every time I say this there are posters who bash and say I'm wrong, they come up with bitachon and hishtadlus ratios and are so focused on their jobs as sources of income that they dont realize Hashem has a million ways to send you money. and no, if you dont believe it will not come. But if you do, and you don't doubt for a minute, then it will literally show up.

Before you bash you need to work on this with all your might. Because it works.

Wishing you lots of clarity and no anxiety. Anxiety about money has no place in a Jewish mother's heart, there is a remedy. There is a solution. Hashem is the solution. We need to just relearn what we were taught about hishtadlus/bitachon. We need to focus much more on true bitachon.


Just a clarification.
Have Bitachon and Hashem will send the money if He thinks it's the right thing .
Having Bitachon doesn't guarantee anyone money.
I really hate when people throw out Bitachon as a guarantee. It's not.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post Thu, Sep 08 2022, 11:41 pm
amother Aquamarine wrote:
Please calm down. Please learn some chovos halvavos. you are worrying way too much. Hashem is carrying the burden. You are doing what you can.

Really, please learn and strengthen yourself in bitachon. Your life will change.

Why would I worry now about marrying off? It's wrong to worry. You can try to put away money but once you learn to just leave it up to Hashem He will send you money.

Please try, so that when the time comes, you will be calm and a great role model for your children. You will believe with all your heart, and you will know, that Hashem will send you what you need, from places that you did not imagine.

Unfortunately this is foreign to some of us who did not grow up like this.

Every time I say this there are posters who bash and say I'm wrong, they come up with bitachon and hishtadlus ratios and are so focused on their jobs as sources of income that they dont realize Hashem has a million ways to send you money. and no, if you dont believe it will not come. But if you do, and you don't doubt for a minute, then it will literally show up.

Before you bash you need to work on this with all your might. Because it works.

Wishing you lots of clarity and no anxiety. Anxiety about money has no place in a Jewish mother's heart, there is a remedy. There is a solution. Hashem is the solution. We need to just relearn what we were taught about hishtadlus/bitachon. We need to focus much more on true bitachon.


This 👆🏼.
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mra01385




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 12:00 am
I totally agree with the other posters regarding hishtadlus and bitachon. It’s hard not to worry about where the money will come from, but if you and your husband are both doing the best hishtadlus that you can then Hashem will take care of the rest if he feels that you need it for the right reasons. (Yeshiva tuition, basic living expenses, yomtov etc) You just need to daven and Hashem will take care of the rest. I have had instances where I didn’t know where I was going to get the money for something and then out of the blue extra money comes like from stimulus checks, extra unexpected money from camp scholarships, etc.
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amother




RosePink
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 12:04 am
Idk if my bitachon will or won't give me more money, but I know that I'm a happier and calmer person for now.
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 12:20 am
amother Purple wrote:
Just a clarification.
Have Bitachon and Hashem will send the money if He thinks it's the right thing .
Having Bitachon doesn't guarantee anyone money.
I really hate when people throw out Bitachon as a guarantee. It's not.


But it will also be the case if you have cool jobs and savings. Iz may still happen that you will not have enough for one particular child at the time of their marriage.
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amother




Winterberry
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 12:35 am
The world is changing and something will have to be done to change something. Idk what but regular people can’t afford this lifestyle anymore
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amother




Marigold
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 12:36 am
amother Purple wrote:
Just a clarification.
Have Bitachon and Hashem will send the money if He thinks it's the right thing .
Having Bitachon doesn't guarantee anyone money.
I really hate when people throw out Bitachon as a guarantee. It's not.


So how do you explain the wonderful virtuous people who are destitute and whose poverty makes their lives almost unbearable? Every day there are posts just in imamother from women who don’t have enough for basic rent, food and clothing.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 2:57 am
amother Aquamarine wrote:
Please calm down. Please learn some chovos halvavos. you are worrying way too much. Hashem is carrying the burden. You are doing what you can.

Really, please learn and strengthen yourself in bitachon. Your life will change.

Why would I worry now about marrying off? It's wrong to worry. You can try to put away money but once you learn to just leave it up to Hashem He will send you money.

Please try, so that when the time comes, you will be calm and a great role model for your children. You will believe with all your heart, and you will know, that Hashem will send you what you need, from places that you did not imagine.

Unfortunately this is foreign to some of us who did not grow up like this.

Every time I say this there are posters who bash and say I'm wrong, they come up with bitachon and hishtadlus ratios and are so focused on their jobs as sources of income that they dont realize Hashem has a million ways to send you money. and no, if you dont believe it will not come. But if you do, and you don't doubt for a minute, then it will literally show up.

Before you bash you need to work on this with all your might. Because it works.

Wishing you lots of clarity and no anxiety. Anxiety about money has no place in a Jewish mother's heart, there is a remedy. There is a solution. Hashem is the solution. We need to just relearn what we were taught about hishtadlus/bitachon. We need to focus much more on true bitachon.
You do realize that this just does not happen for everyone on hashem's earth, right? This may have worked for you, but no, this does not always happen. And someone could be living month to month and have full bitachon and hashem still not bring them any financial help.
So please, dont say this will of course work, because it doesnt for everyone at all.
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amother




Crimson
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 4:20 am
My parents had no extra money. I started working at age 12 and paid for so many things myself throughout HS.
I knew they would never help support me and if I wanted to get married I had to have a way to support myself.
I worked and went to college at the same time and paid for it myself (did get some need based and academic scholarships).

By the time I got married I was living on my own. They contributed a token amount to my wedding and I paid for my entire half myself.
They haven't helped us with anything. BH DH and I had savings and bought a home and pay our own mortgage.
If you truly can't afford it, raise your kids with that knowledge. I knew since I was 12 that I'd be paying for college and wouldn't be supported after marriage.
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amother




Cornsilk
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 7:25 am
Op, are you asking about the wedding or setting up households/supporting married kids?
Because I know it doesn't seem like it based on imamother posts, but most people I know don't set up the households (that's what wedding gifts and checks are used for) and quite a lot of people don't give support either.
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 7:39 am
This worries me a great deal.

Finances are manageable with very careful spending and budgeting, but there isn't a whole lot left over.

There was a thread a while back that talked about the 'normal', expected, wedding gifts. Not the wedding itself, the gifts to the bride. People were quoting astronomical numbers, 10k, 15k, 20k, and brides who didn't receive these gifts were sharing their long-standing resentment towards their in laws for not providing the correct number or size of diamond-studded items.

I trust that God loves me and will take care of me, always. But does my trust in him mean that I believe he'll send me 20k to spend on diamonds? It's easier for me to believe that he'll send each of my boys a match who will be happy with a far more modest collection of bridal gifts.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 09 2022, 8:02 am
Instead of worrying you can work on your Emunah.
Or you can continue losing sleep and worrying.
Either way.. You'll have whatever was destined for you.
Do you also worry that maybe you will die tomorrow? How do you deal with that..?
Best of luck.
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