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How do you marry off kids when you're unable to save?
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Goldie613




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 5:36 pm
DVOM wrote:
This worries me a great deal.

Finances are manageable with very careful spending and budgeting, but there isn't a whole lot left over.

There was a thread a while back that talked about the 'normal', expected, wedding gifts. Not the wedding itself, the gifts to the bride. People were quoting astronomical numbers, 10k, 15k, 20k, and brides who didn't receive these gifts were sharing their long-standing resentment towards their in laws for not providing the correct number or size of diamond-studded items.

I trust that God loves me and will take care of me, always. But does my trust in him mean that I believe he'll send me 20k to spend on diamonds? It's easier for me to believe that he'll send each of my boys a match who will be happy with a far more modest collection of bridal gifts.


Even if Hashem decided to send you that kind of money, would you want to spend it like that? If not, maybe your histadlus consists of telling the shadchan you want a girl who want a less gashmius life.

Or start davening that this expensive stuff isn't standard in your area when your kids start dating ;-)


Last edited by Goldie613 on Sun, Sep 11 2022, 5:53 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Apple
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 5:50 pm
Do your best to save, daven, and teach your kids to be self sufficient. Maybe don't encourage them to marry very young unless they have a clear way to support themselves. If you can get your kids to be self-sufficient adults, you'll have a larger percentage of your income for weddings, or maybe they'll be able to contribute. And I think a big part of that is showing your kids what it really costs to live a frum lifestyle--tuition and housing costs, what salaries are in certain professions, etc.
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Goldie613




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 5:51 pm
OP, how did you manage with Bar/Bat Mitzvahs? I'm assuming you made something smaller and kept the costs minimal.

A lot may also depend on the age your kids get married at - if they are working already when they get married, you can tell them you'll cover the basics, but anything that they want that's fancier or out of your price range they'll have to chip in for.

Ask around for info on the types of weddings people did during the various parts of the pandemic. Many of them were small, some were outside - and I'm guessing a lot were a lot cheaper. You may get some ideas there.

Also, try thinking outside of the box. A friend of mine made a chasunah in a shul that has a simcha room that's normally used for Bar Mitzvahs or Vorts. The chasunah was in the shul itself, and then everyone went downstairs to the simcha room for the meal. It wasn't fancy or big, but it was very lovely, it wasn't a room full of strangers, it was local (no traveling in rush hour for most of us), and I'm guessing much cheaper than a fancy hall.

Other than that? Just like you'd try to put aside a bit here and there if you know you have a large expense coming up (think car repair or Pesach shopping), maybe try to put a drop aside for a wedding. Even just 10 or 20 dollars a month if you can swing that will add up over time. Your financial advisor can better guide you, but if you can save that $120/$240 a year, within 2-3 years you can start sticking that money in higher interest savings accounts or CDs (LOL, I'm not a financial guru, I can just about guarantee that your financial guy would have better ideas what to do with saved up money).

The point is, instead of thinking of this as some life changing thing that must be incredible, think of it as you would any other expense and go from there.
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devoh




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 11 2022, 8:59 pm
This worries me a great deal.
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amother




Puce
 

Post Mon, Sep 12 2022, 12:02 am
I try so hard not to think about this. My oldest son is 11 and if I had to make a bar mitzvah today it would be a real struggle. My parents didn't have extra money either when it came to marrying off my siblings and I, and if not for my mothers wonderful parents who really paid for most of our weddings, we probably would have had very small weddings on borrowed money or debt. My grandparents were auschwitz survivors that lived very simply, and BH they had tremendous mazel in their life financially due to investments with very high returns, and luckily doing very well in the post war insurance boom. It was so different then- cost of living was so little compared to today, and working hard even on one salary generally meant doing well financially in most cases. They paid 25k for their beautiful home, for example, which today is worth over a million. Not like in todays generation where both the husband and wife work full time, kill themselves, and can barely put food on the table. I hope my parents will some day be able to help me with simchos the way they were helped, but no guarantees and no one owes me anything, so we'll see when the time comes.
I believe alot of people get help from parents for simchas, although the younger generation not so much, since there is less to give. Our parents don't have what our grandparents had, and there are bigger families now and less "gifts" to go around.
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amother




NeonBlue
 

Post Mon, Sep 12 2022, 12:44 am
B"H my ds is substitute Leining on Shabbos and substitute Mashgiach in local establishment.

My friend's ds works in construction in the summer.

It's good for boys to start side jobs early on.
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