Home

UPDATE:Not told or invited to neighbor's L'Chaim- very hurt
Previous  1, 2, 3, 4
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette


View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother




Melon
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:36 pm
amother OP wrote:
OP here. I have held back and did not repeat this story to anyone. So I spoke no Lashon hora. If someone asks me about the engagement party or wedding, I may state we were not invited rather than we did not go. Let people draw their own conclusions. why should I cover up how poorly she is treating us.

Honestly if I asked someone how their neighbors' Simcha was and they responded in this way, it would come across as socially off and awkward. You aren't doing yourself any favors with that sort of response, it is hinting to some kind of issue. Just say, we couldn't make it, or I heard it was beautiful.

(Although I've never asked someone how a l' chaim was that I hadn't attended, unless they brought it up. It's just not a topic of conversation. The l'chaim is a pretty quickly forgotten affair once an engagement progresses, and nobody is really interested in hearing about by the week after.
And you are assuming you won't be getting a wedding invitation when there's a good chance you will. So, I think you are worrying about 2 things that won't even end up happening.)
Back to top

CPenzias




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:39 pm
Don't buy her anything from the store. If you're not good enough to be invited to a Simcha and you're her across the street neighbor, you're not good enough to pick up her stuff from the store. Ugh. I'm sorry.
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:35 pm
amother Melon wrote:
Honestly if I asked someone how their neighbors' Simcha was and they responded in this way, it would come across as socially off and awkward. You aren't doing yourself any favors with that sort of response, it is hinting to some kind of issue. Just say, we couldn't make it, or I heard it was beautiful.

(Although I've never asked someone how a l' chaim was that I hadn't attended, unless they brought it up. It's just not a topic of conversation. The l'chaim is a pretty quickly forgotten affair once an engagement progresses, and nobody is really interested in hearing about by the week after.
And you are assuming you won't be getting a wedding invitation when there's a good chance you will. So, I think you are worrying about 2 things that won't even end up happening.)


I disagree. It’s never ok to lie. Why should op make up a reason that’s not true? She can be evasive and say somehow she missed it.
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:35 pm
CPenzias wrote:
Don't buy her anything from the store. If you're not good enough to be invited to a Simcha and you're her across the street neighbor, you're not good enough to pick up her stuff from the store. Ugh. I'm sorry.


That would be nekama, another sin.
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:40 pm
Ruchi wrote:
I'm horrified at some of the insensitive and almost bordering on cruel, replies.

Do you not realise how awful it is to feel that your neighbor would phone you for a favor but not want to tell you that she is making a vort, on that very same phone call ?
Do you think op is sub human and without feelings? This hurts and stings. OP has every right to feel offended and pained.

If she wouldn't be phoning OP for a favor then the picture would be very different

OP please ignore the nasty comments. Those who write it have no understanding.


Yes it’s totally understandable to have hurt feelings but “crying many times” over it is way too much. I think OP is taking this much too personaLly and much too hard. There’s something deeper than an invitation snub going on here
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:40 pm
Ruchi wrote:
Can't you see OP is in pain. If you have nothing supportive to add then please don't come in with a holler than thou mussar talk..

It's before Rosh Hashona equally for you, so why do you want to add more pain to OP?


Huh? She is trying to help OP avoid lashon hara and taking nekama and you’re reprimanding her??
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:43 pm
amother Canary wrote:
The neighbor SPECIALLY called OP for a favor and did not invite at the same time. This is definitely strange. She knew to call her for what SHE WANTS but is ignoring the courtesy of extending an invite to the simcha. Sounds off to me


I know someone else who did similar, she asked a neighbor to lend her some centerpieces for her kiddush and then didn’t invite her to the kiddush.
Not everyone is thoughtful, or considerate, or even bright but the bottom line is why is OP a taking this in such a strong way? What kind of hold does this neighbor have on her? Why does she need validation from the neighbor so badly?
Back to top

CPenzias




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:45 pm
amother Iris wrote:
That would be nekama, another sin.

Oh well. I guess I'm a sinner 🤷‍♀️
Back to top

amother




Melon
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:44 pm
amother Iris wrote:
I disagree. It’s never ok to lie. Why should op make up a reason that’s not true? She can be evasive and say somehow she missed it.

Saying I couldn't make it, or I heard it was beautiful is not lying. It's being evasive in a socially acceptable way.
Back to top

Ruchi




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:48 pm
amother Iris wrote:
Huh? She is trying to help OP avoid lashon hara and taking nekama and you’re reprimanding her??


Now is the time to comfort and support OP not to give mussar. She is NOT being of ANY help if she is hurting OP.
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:48 pm
amother Melon wrote:
Saying I couldn't make it, or I heard it was beautiful is not lying. It's being evasive in a socially acceptable way.


She couldn’t make it is a lie. She would’ve made it had she been invited. She can find lots of other creative ways to be evasive without lying.
Back to top

amother




Melon
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:58 pm
amother Iris wrote:
She couldn’t make it is a lie. She would’ve made it had she been invited. She can find lots of other creative ways to be evasive without lying.

If you haven't been invited then it's not lying to say you couldn't make it. But it really doesn't matter how she chooses to be evasive, it's very socially off to state baldly "I wasn't invited" to an acquaintance's polite chit chat about a mutual neighbor's party, she's just making conversation. It's also just asking to stir up drama, and if I was the friend who had asked the question I wouldn't want to get involved, I'd distance myself from the person. So in the end, op is probably just making things harder for herself socially. She can decide if it's worth it, but personally I don't think it's worth it. It's not going to help her become closer friends with any of the neighbors, it will just make them wary. But it's her decision to make, if she weighs the pros and cons.
Back to top

Ruchi




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 5:05 pm
amother Melon wrote:
If you haven't been invited then it's not lying to say you couldn't make it. But it really doesn't matter how she chooses to be evasive, it's very socially off to state baldly "I wasn't invited" to an acquaintance's polite chit chat about a mutual neighbor's party, she's just making conversation. It's also just asking to stir up drama, and if I was the friend who had asked the question I wouldn't want to get involved, I'd distance myself from the person. So in the end, op is probably just making things harder for herself socially. She can decide if it's worth it, but personally I don't think it's worth it. It's not going to help her become closer friends with any of the neighbors, it will just make them wary. But it's her decision to make, if she weighs the pros and cons.


Please.... Can you just stop all this. Op has not asked people to meddle in this particular part of how she will respond to people.
Can you not offer a listening ear or a good word, just something to make OP feel better???
Back to top

amother




Tiffanyblue
 

Post Sun, Sep 18 2022, 6:10 pm
amother OP wrote:
OP here. I have held back and did not repeat this story to anyone. So I spoke no Lashon hora. If someone asks me about the engagement party or wedding, I may state we were not invited rather than we did not go. Let people draw their own conclusions. why should I cover up how poorly she is treating us?


Op, why do you think you won't be invited to the wedding?

And why are you worrying about that now, it's not going to be for several months?
Back to top
Page 4 of 4 Previous  1, 2, 3, 4 Recent Topics

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Update for Mrs meisel ah
by amother
0 Today at 12:49 pm View last post
Update for Mrs meisel
by amother
0 Today at 12:49 pm View last post
Sad Saga about a car: A Cautionary Tale [Update]
by amother
112 Fri, Nov 25 2022, 2:56 pm View last post
How do I handle this type of behaviour? Update...
by amother
62 Fri, Nov 25 2022, 1:08 pm View last post
UPDATE! My Silver Washing Cup was NOT stolen, I found it
by amother
3 Tue, Nov 22 2022, 10:53 am View last post