My daughter was humiliated, Dear teachers and principals….

amother

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:11 pm

My 8th grade daughter was embarrassed, mistreated and humiliated in school. According to the principal it was the only option in order for her to learn her lesson. The following is a story that I wish can reach, not only my daughters principal but every single principal and teacher across the Jewish community. This is a true story that my husband heard first hand.

Moshe is a fundraiser. He’s been fundraising for many years. One night he knocks on Chaim’s door to do his job and fundraise. He doesn’t really know Chaim but when Chaim opens the door Moshe notices a look on his face that tells him that they indeed know each others. Chaim starts by telling him “ I owe you not only $100 but I owe you my life” and he goes on to remind him the story:

“ About 30 years ago when I was 12 years old I did something very childish and wrong. I stole a 100 dollar bill from my principals office. It was just lying on his desk so I took it, tucked it into my pocket and ran back into class. After lunch the principal came into our class and started yelling at us that there’s $100 missing from his desk and he knows that the boy who stole it is from this class became he saw him running in here. He asked the boy to admit it and give him back the money now or else he’ll be punished. Of course I was very ashamed and embarrassed and I just ignored him. After asking several times and getting all angry he turned to my Rebbi and demanded that he check every boys pocket to find the money and catch the stealer. He told the rebbe he’ll be back at the end of the day and with that he left the classroom.

My rebbi, having no other choice, started the search. I was so scared and embarrassed. What will be when the money will be found in my pocket??? I was choking up on my tears trying not to let it out. I begged Hashem to forgive me. I begged Him to spare me the humiliation that I am about to suffer by promising Him that I will do teshuva and of course never ever steal again. I am embarrassed to say that I went on to tell Hashem that if He doesn’t show me that my prayers are being heard and answered then I will be leaving yiddishket forever! Because how else can I ever believe in Him again. My heart was crying. It was so painful. And with such pain and anger I was getting ready to leave this life. But what happened next made my heart skip a beat and changed all my plans.Hashem answered my prayers in the form of a Rebbe who is standing right in front of me now. The Rebbe, noticing that I am the guilty one and also realising that I’ve went through enough in the last 15 minutes to have learnt my lesson, decided not to do a very thorough check in my pocket and just went on to the next boy. What a relief I felt when the Rebbi finished and asked us all to sit back down to continue learning.

The principal kept his promise and was back at the end of the day expecting to have the 100 dollar bill back in his hands. To his surprise the Rebbi tells him that he didn’t find the money in anyones pocket, and with pride he says that there are no stealers among his students. The principal was still not happy. The rebbe takes out a 100 dollar bill from his pocket, hands it to the principal and tells him that he’s so confident in his students that he’s willing to fill the missing money”

Chaim finishes the story and takes out $100 dollars to pay back Moshe. “You saved me, my life and my doirus.

Dear principals and teachers:

I think this story is a very clear lesson. Humiliating our children is NEVER the solution to teach them a lesson. There’s always a better way. My daughter may have done something wrong. She is just a child. You, dear principal, are an adult. You should know better than that.

amother

Hydrangea

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:14 pm

I was humiliated in front of the class in fifth grade. Took me years to forgive this teacher.

LK1

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:15 pm

Wow! That's an amazing story, I have chills. I wish there would be more such teachers like that!

amother

Daphne

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:30 pm

I was bullied by some girls in my class and the principal publicly humiliated me and punished me while letting the bullies get away with bullying me. Years later, I confronted the principal and she blamed me for her behavior. Needless to say, I will never forgive her (not that it matters because she never asked for forgiveness as she feels like she did nothing wrong). Its before Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and I hope that Hashem treats her exactly the same way she treated me. Sad that this lady is still principal of a school after what she did to me and other little girls.
I hope you protect your daughter from that cruel and abusive principal who doesnt seem to know how to handle little girls and pull her out of the school if possible so she can have a better life and not be traumatized by the abusive behavior of the principal.

sbil

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:34 pm

You sound like an amazing mother. You took an unpleasant experience and shared it with everyone in a positive light. Thank you!

amother

Trillium

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:36 pm

Ok there's a nice lesson in the story but I don't think it's true. Does your husband personally know the person it happened to?

amother

Mauve

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:50 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

Ok there's a nice lesson in the story but I don't think it's true. Does your husband personally know the person it happened to?

OP wrote that it's a true story and her husband heard it first hand.. regardless, we need to learn the point of the story.

chanatron1000

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 1:54 pm

If humiliation is the only option to teach a child a lesson, there's no ethical way to teach the child a lesson. It's compared to murder for a reason.

amother

Bone

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 2:14 pm

amother Trillium wrote:

Ok there's a nice lesson in the story but I don't think it's true. Does your husband personally know the person it happened to?

I agree with this reply. Ive heard this story in a few different ways, not always in school, in jobs where a boss doesnt embarrass an employee.
I also have a hard time believing this story, but as a mashal, ok.

This sounds terrifyingly close to stories that were in "people speak" books.

amother

Amaryllis

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 2:48 pm

My husband was just telling me a similar story. He heard it from someone who heard it from the person himself.

A boy came to.school with an expensive watch and it went missing. The Rebbi said he is checking all the boys pockets and every boy must close their eyes so they don't know who did it. The Rebbi found the watch and returned it and that was it. Recently this student, who stole, as a married man met the Rebbi and said how he saved his life etc. The Rebbi said he actually had no idea it was this boy, he himself closed his eyes as he didn't want to know who it was!!

amother

Eggshell

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 2:50 pm

Ugh OP.
Thank you for sticking up for your child.

chestnut

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 2:52 pm

OP, I'm so sorry it happened to your daughter Sad

amother

Almond

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 2:54 pm

amother Amaryllis wrote:

This sounds amazing but how is it possible, practically speaking? The rebbi was going through all boys' pockets with closed eyes until he found the watch, and then continued checking more boys, so he doesn't stop with the boy who took it?

Goody2shoes

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 3:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

The bolded makes me so mad! how can we claim to teach children by shaming and humiliating them publicly all in the name of good chinuch?
OP I think you are amazing in the calm way you seem to be taking it in stride. Your daughter is a lucky girl.

Last edited by Goody2shoes on Tue, Sep 13 2022, 3:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 3:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

How old is your daughter?
What do you mean by "my daughter may have done something wrong"?

Chayalle

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 3:36 pm

I was humiliated by my principal when I was in 6th grade, in front of other girls. At the time it was very hard - I actually ran home from school (and I did not live that close to the school - it was a good 20 minute run at least). My mother stood up for me and gave it to the principal for how the situation was (mis)handled. Two years later, having had enough of that school, she allowed me a fresh start by not sending me to the high school affiliated with my elementary school (not only because of that event. I'd had enough of that place.)

Thinking back, it was a blip in my childhood. It honestly did not affect me long-term, I'm still frum, made little difference in who I am today (I'm not as RW as my elementary school, but my family wasn't either.) Probably because my mother backed me up.

OP, validate your daughter and be there for her. Let her know she will not have to live with this principal for the rest of her life. Bring a little humor into the situation if you can do so with sensitivity - tell her she will likely not marry the principal's son (though I do know someone who married her principal's nephew, and she did not like that woman or that school at all, so I guess you never know....) Tell her her life will be fine despite this.

mfb

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 4:06 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I think the difference with you is that it was a one time occurrence and your mother called and it was resolved.
Someone that has to face their teacher doing this every day of the year is not forgetting it so fast at all!!!

amother

Amaryllis

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 4:29 pm

amother Almond wrote:

Yes he did all the boys and didn't make a comment when he found the watch. So none of them knew.

rachelli66

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 6:19 pm

OP , Do you think whatever happened in school should have been overlooked and continue on with your day, or should it have been dealt with privately, not in front of the teachers and class,school?

Chayalle

Tue, Sep 13 2022, 6:27 pm

mfb wrote:

Agree. I hope with OP's daughter it's a one-time occurrence. Though I can't imagine why a person in chinuch thinks humiliation is the only way.