getting insulted by our children

amother

Tue, May 27 2008, 1:01 pm

Has anybody ever had an experience where your child said something innocently, and it hurt your feelings? My son (5) and I were having a conversation about a veggie garden we are growing. I told him we would buy seeds for cucumbers, tomatoes, and peppers. He wanted squash, so I jokingly told him "come here for a squashy squeeze" and hugged him. He answered "well, I squashed some the fat out of you, cuz you are so fat! Granted I need to lose some weight, but I don't think I am SO fat. I got a little offended by the statement. I did try to explain to him that it isn't nice to say certain things to people and that he hurt my feelings. Is it normal to get offended by a five year old, or am I being way too sensitive?

louche

Tue, May 27 2008, 1:37 pm

If you're sensitive about an issue, you're going to feel offended no matter who said it and no matter how innocently. If you don't care, you won't. Your ds may not even know that being fat is not considered a good thing in your society. Suppose he had said "I squeezed some of the blood out of you because your cheeks are so red" or " I squeezed some of the giggles out of you because you're so giggly"?

Now's the time to teach your son that remarks about people's looks are inappropriate and can be hurtful. In your shoes I wouldn't tell him he hurt my feelings b/c then he has a weapon for future use--now he knows you're sensitive about this particular issue. Instead I'd tell him in a general way that this kind of personal remark is inappropriate and that some people would be very hurt if he said that kind of thing to them. You don't have to imply that being fat is bad, just that people don't like having their looks remarked upon.

greenfire

Tue, May 27 2008, 1:41 pm

well it is hard not to feel offended by the people we love ... especially our babies ...

I once cried because my friends kid - like a nephew to me - hit me when I tried to save him from other kids hurting him ... I couldn't understand how he could hurt me ... his mother laughed and said I was silly ...

but I feel ya ...

good opportunity to teach sonny boy some manners ...

ChossidMom

Tue, May 27 2008, 1:47 pm

I don't get offended when my 10 year old (weight and body conscious) daughter tells me that she wants to be thin when she grows up and not "fat" like me. She doesn't mean it in an offensive way. A 5 year old certainly doesn't know.

freidasima

Tue, May 27 2008, 1:48 pm

If it bothers us, it means that we should do something about it.
There was a time that my kids made jokes about my being rotund and it didn't bother me, I could laugh along with them.
When it started bothering me, I went on a diet (and told them to tone down the jokes which they did).

Fox

Tue, May 27 2008, 2:30 pm

Kids often see things differently than we do. When my son was about 6, he innocently asked why I wasn't as thin and pretty as another mother, who was admittedly knock-'em-dead gorgeous.

I kept my cool and calmly said that Hashem has given different "gifts" to different people. In my case, I said that while some mommies are especially pretty, those mommies don't necessarily know how to program a computer, whereas I do.

Well, you could have heard a pin drop. He was incredulous! There are mommies who can't even make computers do things? What a nebach! He wandered away pondering how awful it would be if his mommy wasn't a "computer mommy".

Of course, as I later told my neighbor, if the gorgeous mom ever learns how to program, I'm in real trouble!

Kinneret

Wed, May 28 2008, 3:06 pm

Fox wrote:

This reminds me of a story a friend told me. She overheard her son saying to his friend, "I wish my mommy was pretty like your mommy." My friend said she felt a real pang when her son said that, but his friend responded, "But your mom can cook!" Her son thought about it for a minute and said, "Yeah, that's better." His friend concurred.

She said the same thing as you, Fox- "if that women learns to cook, I'm in trouble.!"

mandksima

Wed, May 28 2008, 4:30 pm

My 7 yr old DS keeps saying "Ima, you're getting fatter and fatter everyday!" I'm pregnant so I think he's just refering to my growing belly. Unfortunaely, I am getting bigger, not just in my belly and I am very sensitive to the word "fat." I told him a nicer way of saying it that wouldn't hurt my feelings but he is just so mystified with the growing belly, he doesn't realize there is anything wrong.

After the baby, I'm sure he'll have some questions about my squishy belly and I'll have to speak to him about it so he doesn't insult others on the street.

Children are just so honest, it is refreshing and sometimes it is an eyeopener to our shortcomings that we don't hear from polite adults (unless they are your parents or in-laws...)

amother

Thu, May 29 2008, 12:15 pm

I am the OP. I do have to say that after my son made the comment and I told him that it hurt my feelings, he walked away, and started crying. Then he ran back to me and hugged me, and said "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He is a super sensitive child, and I really think he said it as an observation as opposed to try to hurt me, but I felt the twinge of hurt.

Motek

Thu, May 29 2008, 2:18 pm

Fox wrote:

When my son was about 6, he innocently asked why I wasn't as thin and pretty as another mother, who was admittedly knock-'em-dead gorgeous.

I am surprised that a six year old would make that observation. Am I wrong for thinking that at that age, they haven't yet developed the ability to assess that kind of thing? I guess so.

Fox

Thu, May 29 2008, 4:07 pm

Motek wrote:

Am I wrong for thinking that at that age, they haven't yet developed the ability to assess that kind of thing?

No -- I think you're correct in general. The mother in question really is unusually attractive and glamorous-looking in a way that isn't inappropriate. She's definitely the kind of person you notice. That said, my son also carpooled at the time with much older boys, and I strongly suspect that he was parroting some of the conversations he'd overheard.

peach

Thu, May 29 2008, 10:01 pm

amother wrote:

Awwww.....that's so sweet of him...he definitely sounds super sensitive.

amother

Thu, May 29 2008, 10:45 pm

Once my daughter made a comment like that. That was the final straw that got me to lose weight. It was really hurtful, but now I'm glad she said it. That must have been 9 years ago. I'm ready for another comment.