Help me figure out if I can do this chesed (lending house)

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amother

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:10 pm

I was asked if we can let a large family stay in our (small) house over Sukkos. We're going away, the house is going to just be sitting there, I want to say yes, BUT...

I'm a very private person and even hosting relatives while I'm there in the house is something I have to stretch myself to do. The idea of having a large family of absolute strangers while I'm not even there to see what's going on makes me queasy.

Have any of you guys done this and have any tips for making it easier? Like, can I close up the closets and tell them not to open them? And trust they actually won't? What about my bathroom? My personal products? My prescription meds? Is there any way to ensure they won't be looked through?

How clean does the house have to be? I'll have like one day after Yom Kippur before we leave and I probably won't be feeling very well bc I never am after fasts. Do I need to scrub and dust everything? Pick up everything?

And if I do decide I really just can't... how do I say no? The people who asked me are huge baalei chesed, I feel so guilty to say no to them...

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:18 pm

Your house should be neat. It doesn't have to be spotless. You just need clean sheets and towels for the guests.

Close off the master bedroom and put anything you consider private in there. (I assume you'll take your medications with you.) Lock the door if it has a key.

Put paper goods and extra garbage bags out on the kitchen table so they don't have to go looking for them. Put extra tissues/toilet paper in the bathrooms, again so they don't have to go looking through your stuff. Leave a note or show your neighbor where to find the broom, how to lock and unlock doors, what rooms are off limits.

Assuming that your guests are reasonable people, all should be well. You should tell your friend that you are kind of uncomfortable with this kind of hosting.

amother

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:22 pm

amother Nasturtium wrote:

This is good advice! But if I close off the master, there'll only be 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom and it's a large family, I feel mean to do that...

ra_mom

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:24 pm

You have to know yourself. For me I know I would be too resentful if I came back and things were touched or ruined. Unless I knew the family staying personally I would just say no.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:26 pm

To be realistic. There’s no guarantee that the family won’t look through your private things. There’s no guarantee that they will be careful with your fragile items. That they won’t color on the walls or make holes. Stuff your toilet, clog your sinks.
Unless you know the people really well, there’s no way to know.
It definitely is a chesed to lend your house but not at the expense of destroying your house. There are (unfortunately) all kinds of people in this world.
I just read in the Mishpacha about a family that regretted doing this. (Letter to Editor)
I feel sorry discouraging a chesed. But if you do do it, proceed with caution!

amother

Tomato

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:26 pm

So I've done this. A few times. And it was totally fine. But the only way I was able to do it was to take a leap. take a chance.

And the guests were so so grateful.

But there are really no guarantees.

And we did it for free and told them we might leave a mess. We did. Because to clean my house while packing up my kids motzei yom kippur was not possible. And it was ok.

But there was another time I said no, I just can't. And that was also ok.

You have to take a breath and see if you can deal with the risk. And make your choice bsimcha, without pressure.

amother

Yellow

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

This is good advice! But if I close off the master, there'll only be 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom and it's a large family, I feel mean to do that...

I wouldn't. I've lent my not so large house a number of time and would never let anyone use the master bedroom/bathroom. Let them bring cots/air mattress or even sleeping bags and pile in to 2 bedrooms or if you're ok with it, use living/family room space. They are being hosted for yt, rarely does anyone get exactly the comforts of home

amother

Stone

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 1:28 pm

I'm not the type to let people stay in my house when I'm not there, so I would never agree to this. It doesn't make me (or you) a bad person. A big family in your small house? Nope.
"Sorry, I'm afraid we can't." Keep it short and sweet.

amother

Tanzanite

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:01 pm

I wouldn't. It makes me too nervous. I don't think any family will mess up the house on purpose. I do think that if one of their kids spikes a fever at night and they didn't bring medicine, they will go through all your medicine cabinets to try to find some. And that if you close off your master bedroom and bath without a key, they won't use it, except if the other two bathrooms are occupied or one is clogged and their newly trained three year old really needs to go so they'll be extra careful. And then one of the kids really can't sleep with all the others so the mother takes him into the master and sleeps with him on the floor to get some quiet, because they've already walked through it and knew there was space- they won't use the bed.

Many wouldn't worry like this. But I would.

amother

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 2:06 pm

amother Tanzanite wrote:

Yeah I have the same thoughts 😬 I don't think they're so unrealistic honestly!

amother

Salmon

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:52 pm

Can the family who asked you vouch for them that they are not wild, respectful people?

amother

Mustard

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 3:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m the same exactly as you and I was also asked about letting my friend’s adult children and her young grandkids stay in my house when I wasn’t home. I cannot deal with the thought of someone else walking around freely in my home and using who knows what while I’m not there. I just realized this is not my particular chesed to do. Find other things you can do for other people but don’t do something that makes you uneasy. This is just not your things. And that’s OK.
Btw, since the person who asked you finds it easy to do this type of chesed, she’s automatically assuming it’s just as easy for others. It’s not.

amother

Ultramarine

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:00 pm

I couldn't do it - Between the ick factor of having strangers in my most personal space and then a LARGE family no less in a relatively small space.

I just remember the damage that occurred when all of the cousins would gather at my Bubbe's house and that was with multiple parents theoretically available to supervise.

I can't imagine asking a stranger if I could stay in their home so I have no compunctions about not providing that to a stranger.

To me it is quite a bit different if you have some kind of dedicated guest room that is separate from your actual living quarters AND also that you are home because unless someone was a relative or close friend I wouldn't trust them in my home at all.

amother

Aconite

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:01 pm

I’ve had this request and eaten myself up about saying no for days… Master bedroom is an absolute no and they should understand that. If you like, offer them the remaining bedrooms and they don’t need to stay there if it’s too squishy for them.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:10 pm

amother Salmon wrote:

Can the family who asked you vouch for them that they are not wild, respectful people?

That will not help at all. Has nothing to do with how they’ll go around and use the house,

amother

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:17 pm

Thank you so much everyone. I feel so understood!

Raisin

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:21 pm

I would only do it if my bedroom was very very securely locked. And possibly cupboards too.

The can absolutely sleep in the living room.

amother

Clematis

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:30 pm

I wouldn't lend my house to strangers for no money. I think it's disgusting. When I do very seldom have a sibling stay at our home, I lock the master bedroom, playroom (I leave out afew bins of toys) and closets.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:41 pm

I wouldn’t. “I’m sorry but we’re not comfortable “ is an acceptable answer.

I’ve had ppl I personally know well and consider normal be crazy guests and I wouldn’t be able to leave my house in strangers hands.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Sep 18 2022, 4:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you so much everyone. I feel so understood!

Of course. I once had a family of guests for half of Pesach, the wife a good friend of mine. At one point they had eaten us out of house and home, and I had hidden a little bit of snack for my dc after I realized the family had cleaned out everything else, and one day my friend says, “Oh I found these chocolates somewhere in back of a cabinet (!)”, the one thing I’d hidden for my dc, and she took the liberty to give it to her kids. Not everyone has the best judgment or knows boundaries.
It’s hard even with people you’re close to, let alone someone you’re not.

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