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How many nights can my child go to bed hungry?
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Daliya




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 12:10 am
If the only problem is that they won't taste anything and if they end up tasting it they'll probably end up liking it, then why don't you just try motivating them into tasting it? Say, tell your child: "You taste one bite of chicken you get one bite of a donut. And if you really hate the chicken that much you won't have to finish it."
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Daliya




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 12:13 am
The more you try to control your kids, the more they'll try to gain control over you, even if that means starving themselves. Keep that in mind.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 12:20 am
Daliya wrote:
The more you try to control your kids, the more they'll try to gain control over you, even if that means starving themselves. Keep that in mind.


Not to control you, but to demonstrate that they have some control over their own lives.
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Daliya




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 12:43 am
Correct, I was gonna edit my post but then just left it. Thanks for clarifying.
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amother




Pearl
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 3:57 am
OP here's an idea that worked for my kids. Make a chart with each kids name. For every bite of food they try, they get one point ( even if they spit it out). If they actually swallow the bite, they get two points. If they like the food and eat a good amount, they get five points. You can decide how many points they need to have in order to get a price.
Very important: do not force them to try, just let them know the rules of the game and they can decide if they want to play on any given night or if they just want toast instead.
And it helps to make the prizes attractive.
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Lydia




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 4:28 pm
No one needs to feel guilty for not providing "kid" options at dinner. Nor should we throw up our hands about how kids are SO picky that they need to eat fish sticks and bread every night.

Most people throughout the history of the world have had very little control over what foods were available to them or how they are prepared. People ate what was in season locally. They could not refrigerate it, so they did not cook more than was going to be eaten quickly. Cooking was difficult and uncomfortable, so people didn't do more than they had to. There was often no such thing as other choices of foods available in the pantry in case you didn't like dinner. And if there was a stash of food, it was rationed so that it would sustain people through the winter.

We live in a society of extreme availability of food, where you can get almost whatever you want at the grocery within half an hour. So our environment (and our kids) allows us to be just as picky as we allow. But just because all those choices are available at the store, you don't have to run your house accordingly. Of course, if you do have a stash of salty, sugary, oily, easily prepared carbohydrates available, kids will almost always prefer them to more complex options. It's possible to nurture pickiness by having too many easy options.

There is no problem with not having another option at dinner!

That said, if the parents themselves are not both on board with eating what's prepared, you can't expect your kids are going to get into that mindset. It has to be a family lifestyle, not something you demand just of kids.

So it's maybe not a question of how many nights your kids can go to bed hungry before they start to eat, but instead how long it will take to change the whole food mindset. (And like others said, maybe there's a deeper food aversion issue you're facing.)
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 4:32 pm
Daliya wrote:
If the only problem is that they won't taste anything and if they end up tasting it they'll probably end up liking it, then why don't you just try motivating them into tasting it? Say, tell your child: "You taste one bite of chicken you get one bite of a donut. And if you really hate the chicken that much you won't have to finish it."

That’s what I’ve been doing the past week. The problem is that nothing is enough to motivate them to try. I literally offered him to eat anything he wants, be it chocolate, juice or snack. He’d rather not taste and not get anything
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amother




Aquamarine
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 4:33 pm
Lydia wrote:
No one needs to feel guilty for not providing "kid" options at dinner. Nor should we throw up our hands about how kids are SO picky that they need to eat fish sticks and bread every night.

Most people throughout the history of the world have had very little control over what foods were available to them or how they are prepared. People ate what was in season locally. They could not refrigerate it, so they did not cook more than was going to be eaten quickly. Cooking was difficult and uncomfortable, so people didn't do more than they had to. There was often no such thing as other choices of foods available in the pantry in case you didn't like dinner. And if there was a stash of food, it was rationed so that it would sustain people through the winter.

We live in a society of extreme availability of food, where you can get almost whatever you want at the grocery within half an hour. So our environment (and our kids) allows us to be just as picky as we allow. But just because all those choices are available at the store, you don't have to run your house accordingly. Of course, if you do have a stash of salty, sugary, oily, easily prepared carbohydrates available, kids will almost always prefer them to more complex options. It's possible to nurture pickiness by having too many easy options.

There is no problem with not having another option at dinner!

That said, if the parents themselves are not both on board with eating what's prepared, you can't expect your kids are going to get into that mindset. It has to be a family lifestyle, not something you demand just of kids.

So it's maybe not a question of how many nights your kids can go to bed hungry before they start to eat, but instead how long it will take to change the whole food mindset. (And like others said, maybe there's a deeper food aversion issue you're facing.)
This is such an awesome post.
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SG18




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 4:40 pm
Lydia wrote:
No one needs to feel guilty for not providing "kid" options at dinner. Nor should we throw up our hands about how kids are SO picky that they need to eat fish sticks and bread every night.

Most people throughout the history of the world have had very little control over what foods were available to them or how they are prepared. People ate what was in season locally. They could not refrigerate it, so they did not cook more than was going to be eaten quickly. Cooking was difficult and uncomfortable, so people didn't do more than they had to. There was often no such thing as other choices of foods available in the pantry in case you didn't like dinner. And if there was a stash of food, it was rationed so that it would sustain people through the winter.

We live in a society of extreme availability of food, where you can get almost whatever you want at the grocery within half an hour. So our environment (and our kids) allows us to be just as picky as we allow. But just because all those choices are available at the store, you don't have to run your house accordingly. Of course, if you do have a stash of salty, sugary, oily, easily prepared carbohydrates available, kids will almost always prefer them to more complex options. It's possible to nurture pickiness by having too many easy options.

There is no problem with not having another option at dinner!

That said, if the parents themselves are not both on board with eating what's prepared, you can't expect your kids are going to get into that mindset. It has to be a family lifestyle, not something you demand just of kids.

So it's maybe not a question of how many nights your kids can go to bed hungry before they start to eat, but instead how long it will take to change the whole food mindset. (And like others said, maybe there's a deeper food aversion issue you're facing.)


Love this!
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Echinacea




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 7:36 pm
Kids are growing and need meals more than adults . They are not allowed to fast on fast days. I would be hesitant to have them skip meals. Can you have them come up with some options together with you that you both agree on beforehand if they don’t like the dinner?
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amother




Darkblue
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 8:02 pm
amother OP wrote:
I’m fed up with cooking 3 different suppers every night. I have an almost 6 year old and a 7.5 yr old. Last Monday I made a new rule that if you don’t taste what I make for supper, then you don’t get to eat anything till the morning. Tonight is the 2nd time my (almost) 6 yr old went to bed hungry and the first time my 7.5 yr old went to sleep without food. How many times can we let this happen?


A therapist told me to make 1 meal but include one safe food for each kid...so I make mashed potatoes as a safe food for child 1, chicken or meat safe dish for child 3-4 salad and fruits for child 2....if any kids ends up eating everything great! Child 1 had mashed potatoes all week! I also allow my kids to choose food from the fridge that they can serve themselves...example yogurt, cheese,applesauce. I have a child safe knife so I allow them to slice avocados alone and eat with rice cake or plain. Mashed...

Point is I cook one meal ..

As a side,no child should ever go hungry to bed! That's abuse!
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amother




Black
 

Post Thu, Sep 22 2022, 8:27 pm
amother NeonYellow wrote:
That's DOR, and okay, yeah.

But it's important to point out that OP is not starving her kids. She's not forcing them to go to sleep hungry. She's asking them to taste what she made. Their choice not to taste it is exactly that - their choice.

Let's keep this in perspective. I don't think anyone other than you and I on this thread know about DOR/ intuitive eating. And lots of people are judging OP for "starving" her kids. She doesn't need that judgment, she's not a bad mom, this isn't an unreasonable request she's making.

Do I think she'll get farther with DOR and feeding therapy? Yes. But both those things are relatively new ideas that many have never heard of. And I want people to be nicer to OP. (Not you specifically, you've been perfectly nice.)
Doesnt sound like you fully understand DOR.
OP is engaged in a full on power struggle with her kids. Not sure anyone in the feeding or parenting community would agree with the approach.
I was a picky eater and I am now a picky eater and while I wouldn’t starve myself I could see myself not tasting something especially the way OP presents it.
I have picky kids too but I think there’s an emotional component on OPs part here that’s not being addressed, maybe some fears. Not sure why no one has mentioned this yet.
This definitely isn’t coming from a place of strength. No I don’t think kids of such parents thank them later.
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Momafewx




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 23 2022, 5:17 am
Lydia wrote:
No one needs to feel guilty for not providing "kid" options at dinner. Nor should we throw up our hands about how kids are SO picky that they need to eat fish sticks and bread every night.

Most people throughout the history of the world have had very little control over what foods were available to them or how they are prepared. People ate what was in season locally. They could not refrigerate it, so they did not cook more than was going to be eaten quickly. Cooking was difficult and uncomfortable, so people didn't do more than they had to. There was often no such thing as other choices of foods available in the pantry in case you didn't like dinner. And if there was a stash of food, it was rationed so that it would sustain people through the winter.

We live in a society of extreme availability of food, where you can get almost whatever you want at the grocery within half an hour. So our environment (and our kids) allows us to be just as picky as we allow. But just because all those choices are available at the store, you don't have to run your house accordingly. Of course, if you do have a stash of salty, sugary, oily, easily prepared carbohydrates available, kids will almost always prefer them to more complex options. It's possible to nurture pickiness by having too many easy options.

There is no problem with not having another option at dinner!

That said, if the parents themselves are not both on board with eating what's prepared, you can't expect your kids are going to get into that mindset. It has to be a family lifestyle, not something you demand just of kids.

So it's maybe not a question of how many nights your kids can go to bed hungry before they start to eat, but instead how long it will take to change the whole food mindset. (And like others said, maybe there's a deeper food aversion issue you're facing.)


This. And also, drumroll. Food should not be a discussion. At all. It should be available. Limited to what the mother is happy preparing/happy with her kid helping themselves to. And aside from that, the healthiest way to go about it, is to not discuss it.
As soon as it turns into a THING, (my kids not eating enough, or, what's on your plate,) it is the EASIEST way for kids to get messed up for life with bad eating habits. Kids see it as an easy way to get full reign. Because it is a SUBJECT of contempt. So don't let it be.
Kids need space to learn what they like. They don't even need to be forced to taste. They should be firmly encouraged to sit at the table dinner so that we can enjoy their company and hear about their day. They can have a plate and fork and choose what they want. Parents can talk about the food. Ooh this came out good/ I think it needs salt- I'll bring some to the table for whomever wants. But NEVER - what are you eating? Why is your plate empty. Your going to go to bed hungry.
They need their parents to trust them that they will make good choices. That's powerful for them.
And then when dinner is done it is VERY reasonable to say: next meal is breakfast.
In your mind you can mentally note hey, it's my child eating enough. And should I verify that this is sufficient food for the week. (With toddlers and little kids most Dr's calculate food by the week as kids are so dynamic) There are VERY VERY few cases in America of malnutrition. I've heard this from Dr's. It is a gift to your child to drop the matter.

So it's not about how many days. It's refraining your mindset to: trusting that your child is eating fine and focusing on other things. Like did you cuddle and tickle your kids today?
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Fri, Sep 23 2022, 5:44 am
amother Darkblue wrote:
A therapist told me to make 1 meal but include one safe food for each kid...so I make mashed potatoes as a safe food for child 1, chicken or meat safe dish for child 3-4 salad and fruits for child 2....if any kids ends up eating everything great! Child 1 had mashed potatoes all week! I also allow my kids to choose food from the fridge that they can serve themselves...example yogurt, cheese,applesauce. I have a child safe knife so I allow them to slice avocados alone and eat with rice cake or plain. Mashed...

Point is I cook one meal ..

As a side,no child should ever go hungry to bed! That's abuse!

No, OP isn't abusing her kids. Did you read the whole thread?

It's great that your therapist suggested this and it worked for you. OP has already seen a feeding therapist and she's doing the best she can with what she's got. And no she's not abusing her kids. Please stop.
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Fri, Sep 23 2022, 5:47 am
amother Black wrote:
Doesnt sound like you fully understand DOR.
OP is engaged in a full on power struggle with her kids. Not sure anyone in the feeding or parenting community would agree with the approach.
I was a picky eater and I am now a picky eater and while I wouldn’t starve myself I could see myself not tasting something especially the way OP presents it.
I have picky kids too but I think there’s an emotional component on OPs part here that’s not being addressed, maybe some fears. Not sure why no one has mentioned this yet.
This definitely isn’t coming from a place of strength. No I don’t think kids of such parents thank them later.

I'm not a DOR expert, I'll admit, but I don't think it's accurate to say that NO ONE in the field would support her. I'm sure you know that DOR is not the only method in the field.
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amother




Chestnut
 

Post Fri, Sep 23 2022, 6:56 am
I had this with some with some of my children.

On sundays I gave them a pen and paper and told them to make me a menu for supper for the week. It needed to include a protein, starch, and vegetable.
It worked well for that time. They looked forward to coming home for supper and they worked it out together. If one didn’t like the protein, they made sure to enjoy the carb… I was in the room with them guiding them from the side.
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renslet




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 23 2022, 7:36 am
I second following solid starts on Instagram and buying the picky eating guide.
Things I've learned over the years.
I moved from NY to South America and literally was shocked, there really is no such thing as kid food. Here the kids are eating regular adult food from a very young age. They gave my son (at 2!) A quarter lemon to squeeze on his fish in preschool. Whatever you serve to kids, that's what they think is normal.
When children know that if they don't like dinner they can have cereal, toast, whatnot. It is reinforcing picky eating. What are they going to do in a situation where these things aren't available?
A feeding therapist once told me, every kid has safe food that they'll always eat, stretch food that they might eat in a good mood and never food that they have never tried. The goal is to move foods into the safe food category.
Exposure, exposure, exposure
I would never pressure, make dinner and have a limited amount of a safe food, serve it and try to make the dinner table an enjoyable experience. Don't focos on the food at all. The only thing I would insist on is sitting at the table. (One minute for how many years old he is) play a game, count the peas whatever and when the meal is done, that's it.
Try to make it something special, so a soup that I make I got the recipe from someone we met on vacation so every time I make it, I say oh it's that ladies' soup and everyone comes running.
Use funny, different, giant, tiny, etc utensils. Makes a huge difference. One of my kids will only eat schnitzel if it's cut up into pieces mixed with rice and ketchup in a mug.
Ask the kids, " what can I do to this food to make it better" add toppings, change dish etc
Make it an activity, build your own tacos, make your own sushi roll, salad bar etc. Kids love it.
Most of these tips are from solid starts.
I have a child who often will refuse dinner, it happens and usually it's because he isn't hungry. I don't say anything, he can have fruit till bedtime and most of the time he doesn't take.
MOST kids will eat well if we give them the opportunity.
Picky eating is so many times a outcome of the way we feed our kids.
Teach your child how to problem solve food, so if they don't like the onions, can they eat around them or pick them out. So many adult picky eaters talk about the stress of eating out of the house and how much anxiety it can cause.
That said, OP I think you need to see a professional, who will hopefully guide you step by step into how to help your kids.
Good luck
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