So sad about chessed opportunity for daughter

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Rose

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 12:07 pm

Chayalle wrote:

As another posted said, it was about being left out of a social dynamic. I certainly feel bad for a teen who goes thru this. I just don't see it as the "lost Chessed opportunity" that OP is claiming it is.

It is a lost chessed opportunity because the DD was going to do chessed and now she may not. Just because she went into it with some additional motivations, doesn't mean that there was no desire at all to do chessed and it also doesn't mean she wouldn't have become more other-oriented in the process of doing the chessed.

If OP wants her to value other kinds of chessed, then she can talk those up at another time. But the lost opportunity now is real. It may be a social loss, but it is also a loss of a chessed opportunity at the same time.

amother

Daphne

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 12:08 pm

Chayalle wrote:

And to some extent that is why I sent my own DD's to the homes of relatives to help, rather than someone the school would send to (which was acceptable to the school program). I prefer to send them to someone I know and feel comfortable with. (nowadays though the school does do a better job at vetting families, and they also have a report-back system just in case....)

I have posted that I personally was twice sent to do Chessed in the homes of families where no teen should have been sent (IMVHO) as part of the school program.

In one situation, though BH nothing happened, the father was home and was way too friendly to me and the other girl who came, to the point we were creeped out and uncomfortable (and some years later, I heard the mother and daughter left him and were in a shelter....). My 14 year old self should never have been sent there.

And in the other situation, I was sent to help out in a home where the mother was severely depressed, and the needs were really gross (like to clean a moldy chulent pot). I think that's more than should be expected of a teen.

And this was when communities were smaller and everyone knew the families well and they still sent teens to such situations, because there was this prevalent mentality that teens are the answer to all Chessed needs.

Sure. That's why I think that sort of chessed should be under the purview of the parents. Not the schools. I think the schools should stick to official organizations.

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 12:10 pm

amother Rose wrote:

I agree that it was going to be a Chessed, but I think with the focus being that this was the real deal, as opposed to the program until now, the likelihood of her becoming more other-oriented diminishes, and it becomes more about the social and the hype.

This has been my personal observation among the population of girls I know that did organization-based Chessed (only) as teens . I would be happy to be wrong, though.

amother

Lightblue

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 12:12 pm

Sorry OP, I’m with many other posters on this one. I believe the helping mothers program is a huge tremendous chessed. All because it’s not so glamourous doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate chessed. It seems she’s getting these vibes from you…

Chayalle

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 12:13 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

Just to add, I did do that sort of chessed when I was in high school 25 years ago. And there was a family that had a big rotation of girls because they were high need with many children under a certain age. Everyone realized the mom really needed an extra set of hands!
Some years later, my father's good friend confided in him that the father of the family (his relative) had molested a teenage niece and the family was no longer on speaking terms.

It would not surprise me in the slightest if we were sent to the same family in the same community. (no need to go there. Just saying.)

amother

PlumPink

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 12:36 pm

What's with this "helping mothers should come first"? Maybe she did that in prior years and now wants a different kind of experience? Maybe she helps tons at home and again wants a different experience, not more of babysitting and cleaning? Or maybe she doesn't like such chessed job for another reason?
And maybe she didn't feel that her prior chessed with the friend's relative cause it wasn't desperately needed, but just an extra help for the mother, so she didn't feel as needed.
And EVEN if she's doing it for social reasons, there's nothing wrong with that as long as she's doing chessed. As if all adults are always so righteous and do things for the right purpose.
The girl is absolutely in her right to be upset. Why couldn't the organization still invite her to be a floater or assist in organizing?

amother

Oatmeal

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 12:58 pm

It's totally the hype.
You don't get sweaters or cool swag when you help a family in need.

dancingqueen

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 1:00 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

That's also the difference between a school sponsored program and an informal neighborhood one. It's a big responsibility to send girls into homes that may need to be vetted. It makes more sense to encourage official programs with oversight.
Years ago when communities were smaller and everyone knew all the families well it was different. Honestly I wouldn't just send my daughter to a strange family that called and requested help if I don't know them or trust the person vouching for them.

Totally agree. I hope your dd gets matched soon OP!

amother

Maroon

Wed, Sep 21 2022, 7:23 pm

For all those who are saying they also need help, you may just want to hire a high schooler. I hired a very sweet girl from the upper grades this year. She comes over when dh isn’t around so there’s no concern there and she is a huge help. And while chesed is nice I think earning money while doing chesed (because it’s still a chesed even if paid) is also quite nice.

As for the organizations, I do think it broadens girls horizons to be exposed to kids and families they may not otherwise be aware of.

amother

Brass

Thu, Sep 22 2022, 8:29 am

I'm so sorry OP! Your daughter must be so disappointed!

amother

Sat, Oct 01 2022, 11:03 pm

I wanted to post a (happy?) update.
DD still hasn't gotten a match.
She approached me the other day and said "Ima, if I don't get a match shortly after Sukkos, I'm going to back to the chessed committee at school and ask if they can pair me with a family I can help."
Kvelling mother :-)
See, it's not all about the glitter and glitz.
Wonder if I can ask for a refund for the organization sweatshirt I purchased for her. (jk, I'll eat it).

amother

Coffee

Sat, Oct 01 2022, 11:40 pm

Not everyone is cut out for help-a-mom or babysitting special needs kids. I wish my school had offered other opportunities to do different types of Chessed. If I had gotten involved in an organization in high school I probably would have stayed with them through my single years. Now I finally found a Chessed that suits my personality, but It would have been so nice if I had had one I enjoyed earlier. I wanted to be involved and help, but I just wasn't familiar with the opportunities. So good for your school, I'm impressed with their program.

naturalmom5

Sun, Oct 02 2022, 1:22 am

Chayalle wrote:

I'm with Rubies. I'm not sure why OP considers volunteering for an organization to be a bigger or more real Chessed than helping a Mom in need. I don't think it shows her to look beyond herself and preferences. I think it actually teaches her to go where the hype is.

With my own DD's, I've tried to drive home the message that Chessed begins at home. And also, Chessed isn't about social opportunities and noise. It's about quietly helping out where needed.

And that's the kind of Chessed I personally encouraged. I have a relative whose DD is the Queen of Chessed at all these organizations. She ran in big circles. Volunteers for a major organization, had families she helped, drives for them, is amazing there. But at home, she does not lift a finger. She can't clear anyone else's plate off the Shabbos table, and will never help out with babysitting in her own home. But she does big Chessed out there. She's awesome.

My girls spent 9th/10th grade helping a relative who was on partial bedrest. They gained more than they gave. They did baths and pj's and feeding supper and played on the floor with their little 3rd cousins.

After that, I had a relative in my family who RL had cancer. My girls rolled up their sleeves, washed dishes, babysat, swept the floor, and did laundry. They didn't go thru an organization. They didn't get a sweatshirt or go to any events. They just showed up where they knew it was needed.

They can go to Bikur Cholim and cook in the kitchen, and help restock pantries, and there they even get sweatshirts which they could care less about. They learned to do what needs to be done without bells and whistles.

I'm sorry for your DD's disappointment OP, but sorry to be blunt, the missed opportunities of Chessed were not in this particular experience, but in the whole attitude.

BTDT

Often its more about covod and politics

One Simch Torah, the shul was serving blintzes and Chaloptzes ( s cabbage)
I want to help in kitchen but they didnt let me because im not in their little clique
So a lot of frozen packages went to waste after yom tov and many people didnt get served on yom tov

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