Important to name after relatives but I am against using it

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

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amother

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 3:12 pm

So we have two relatives, one from each of our sides, who passed away who had the same name:
- One is from my side who died many years ago (nearly 30 years ago) and only one person out of the entire family and extended family is named after them. It seems unlikely that too many more people in my family will name after this person, but who knows.
- The other one is from my husband's side and died just a few months ago and a few SILs had babies since, but neither used the name. Most of the women in our generation (e.g., having kids) are getting older and the chances of someone having another baby to name after this person are not high, maybe just one that I can think of who is likely to, but hard to say.

But, I really really really dislike the name (even as a middle name):
- I really dislike the sound (plus I can't pronounce a good portion of the letters correctly anyway),
- I strongly dislike the meaning of the name (and there isn't another word for it that means the same thing that is also a name),
- I didn't really like either of the people with the name. There was nothing wrong with them, they weren't bad people or anything. Just personality-wise I never really found things that I liked. They both had serious health issues in their lives as well.

It would mean a tremendous amount to my husband to use this name. It would also mean a lot to one of his parents, as well as a lot to one of my parents and my last remaining grandparent.

We don't have other immediate relatives to name for if we don't use this one (we already named after other grandparents, or we can't use their names due to others in the family with the same name, and one of us has grandparents that are still alive). We would have to stretch back to much more distant, non-direct ancestor, relatives to name after someone, which is feasible, but maybe shouldn't take precedence.

Have any of you named after relatives you didn't really like? Or used a name you didn't really like? How did you feel about your decision in the years after?

SG18

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 3:35 pm

I personally don't feel that it's important to name after relatives. Each child's neshama has a name that is unique to him/her. If a certain name feels right for that child and it belongs to a relative, I would use it. But I wouldn't force a certain name, just because it would make someone else happy.
Trust your instinct that you don't like the name- it could mean that it isn't the right name for this child.

choco1

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 4:25 pm

I used a name that I really didn't like but felt that it was the right thing to do (very close beloved relative who we all loved. Went by English name)
We found a cute nickname and I don't mind it at all!

amother

Anemone

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 6:09 pm

I gave my DS a name that I really couldn't stand but I knew it would make my parent extremely upset if I didn't give it. At the time I was VERY bothered by it.
We chose to add a second name that I really loved and that is what I called my son.

A few years down the line now...
Doesn't bother me in the slightest! I basically never even think about it,
I'm happy that my child has a name I love that I wouldn't have had a chance to give otherwise because we usually name after grandparent etc

amother

Smokey

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 6:45 pm

I wouldn't.

A relative was nifter recently and everyone is expecting new parents to name after them. I don't like the name and probably won't name after them. It's going to be difficult but both parents need to be comfortable with the name.

amother

Crimson

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 8:08 pm

I dont understand these qs.
You are the one pregnant for 9 months, you'll be the one to go through the pain of labor, you get to chose the name. Its really simple

amother

Lightcoral

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 8:11 pm

amother Crimson wrote:

I dont understand these qs.
You are the one pregnant for 9 months, you'll be the one to go through the pain of labor, you get to chose the name. Its really simple

Sorry, doesn't work that way.
Not so simple.

amother

Crimson

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 8:17 pm

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Sorry, doesn't work that way.
Not so simple.

Does by my family.
Is it an ashkenaz thing?
Im syrian and while its impt to name after relatives you dont get shunned or guilted if you dont name after them...

amother

White

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 8:52 pm

SG18 wrote:

I also don’t think you MUST name after relatives.
Regarding the name, I have one child with a middle name, and it’s definitely not on my list of favorites. This child is also not technically named after a relative, but does have the same name as one, because of the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy and labor and delivery. We don’t use the name, and it’s not on the birth certificate so it is not part of the legal name. There are also multiple family members with the same name, and they all use both names or the middle name.
Regarding naming itself, I really feel that parents get a sense of what the child’s name should be once they meet the child. You may decide on a name now and then see your baby and say “yea, that’s bot gonna work.” Or you might see the baby and say “oh we should definitely use the name that I didn’t want to die.” The point is, don’t get stuck on a name absolutely before the baby is born.

Notsobusy

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 8:56 pm

amother Crimson wrote:

Does by my family.
Is it an ashkenaz thing?
Im syrian and while its impt to name after relatives you dont get shunned or guilted if you dont name after them...

She didn't say that anyone will shun her or make her feel guilty. She said it will mean a lot to her husband, parents and in laws. You're right that she gets to choose, but as a mature adult their feelings should matter to her.

amother

Burntblack

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 8:57 pm

It definitely works this way for chassidish. Op I has a name that I didn't like. The difference is that I heard It's a major family name with siblings and grandchildren named after this person. I thought I would never give the name but it meant the world to my husband. I still think it's a weird name but I got used it. All the relatives and my child with the name are cute normal people. And because it's a family name and we come from a big family when people hear the name they know who we are related to.

amother

Oldlace

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 8:58 pm

Yes I gave a name I really didn't like.
That child is the delight of my life (not to play favorites...)

Ema of 5

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 9:00 pm

amother Crimson wrote:

Does by my family.
Is it an ashkenaz thing?
Im syrian and while its impt to name after relatives you dont get shunned or guilted if you dont name after them...

You get to choose the names of all your children? Or do you mean husband and wife choose the name together?

exhausted

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 9:01 pm

I think the difference here is that in addition to not liking the name, OP didn't like either of the people who carried the name.

Ema of 5

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 9:09 pm

exhausted wrote:

I think the difference here is that in addition to not liking the name, OP didn't like either of the people who carried the name.

I didn’t even see that, it’s only all the way at the end. OP, what didn’t you like abojt the second relative? Did you know the first one?

amother

Quince

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 11:23 pm

My grandmother always tells us not to use a name we don’t like. So I don’t

Goldie613

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 11:39 pm

amother Crimson wrote:

I dont understand these qs.
You are the one pregnant for 9 months, you'll be the one to go through the pain of labor, you get to chose the name. Its really simple

I hear that, but it's her husband's kid too and the name would mean a lot to him.

Goldie613

Sat, Sep 24 2022, 11:44 pm

OP, maybe just use as a second (or third) name so husband gets a name that's important to him, but make sure whatever name is used for the first name is one you love (and yes, you can just call the baby by that first name or a nickname).

I might have reacted differently if the husband didn't like the name either, but seeing that he does, you may have to find a way to compromise.

Of course, the kid may choose to go by a nickname or English name (or even his last name) as an adult, so there's no way of knowing what's going to happen with this disliked name.

amother

NeonGreen

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 12:29 am

amother Burntblack wrote:

It works for the chassidish who allow it to work for them. Goodness. Be your own person. Cut those apron strings. And you can choose the name which feels right for your child.

amother

Cherry

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 12:31 am

**DISCLAIMER: If you, the mom, can't actually pronounce the name, I think you have a very valid excuse not to use it.

However, in general, I think that a name grows on you, and you usually end up liking it when it's your precious child's name.

I named my son a very popular name that happened to be my husband's grandfather's name. I did NOT love the name at all and I never knew his grandfather.

My son is 5 years old. I LOVE the name now and get excited whenever I meet another kid with this name.

I personally would absolutely name after my relatives, even if I didn't love the name.

And I 100% do think that when you ARE RAISED to name children after relatives, it's selfish not to. If that's not your custom, fine. Choose. But when your parents and grandparents named after their relatives and are waiting with bated breath to hear what YOU, their precious child, have chosen to name your baby, I think it's legitimately disappointing when you break tradition for "not liking" the name.

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