Important to name after relatives but I am against using it

amother

Burlywood

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 12:37 am

Last week I was at a bris here in Israel. Everyone asked afterwards why they chose the slightly unusual name. The parents just pointed to their older kids and said that they on principle never name their children after any relative at all and choose only unattached names they like.
Edit: not saying that is right or wrong, just that there are people like that.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 1:02 am

We had an issue once, not wNting to name our kid after the expected relative, didnt like the name etc.
We asked a huge gadol that we have a connection to-well known to all the Ashkenazi world.
We were so surprised by his reaction...so dismissive about the importance of naming after someone, he made sure we wouldn't be causing world war 3 by not naming after, and then told us to just name a name that we both love and forget about naming the baby after the relative

amother

Canary

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 1:10 am

Would definitely only name a name you love or can learn to love. My husband has a family name I really don’t like and I have a grandparent who I’d love to name after but I really don’t like the names, so we haven’t named after them. If eventually I learn to like or I add a name I will give them. If not then I won’t. It’s my kids I and DH have to like their names and no one else. You can’t resent a kids name, since you don’t want it affecting your relationship later.

amother

Yolk

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 1:16 am

happy7 wrote:

You create new associations. Your child will be so loved and the names grow on you. I’ve done it.

Not for everybody.
My good friend told me she still hates her daughter's name (shes 9 now) and cringes every time she uses it. She named her after someone even though she hated the name because everyone told her she would get used to it, and now regrets listening to them

amother

Ultramarine

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 1:57 am

If you are MO, it may be different, but if you are Haredi you can name after a Gadol. You will very likely be able to find a compelling reason to name after a Gadol/Rebetzin, either it will be the day they died, date of their birth, etc. If you are Chabad, you can always name Menachem Mendel / Chaya Mushka no questions asked.

If nothing else comes up, pick a name from someone in the Torah portion of the week your child was born. Say "we planned to name Genedel after grandma, but when they read Chayei Sarah in beit knesset we both felt like we HAD to name her Sarah instead."

camp123

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 1:57 am

I wouldn't necessarily be able to do it for a first name. But definitely would compromise for a middle name.
Also it's different if it's a usual name that you personally don't like. I think then the name will grow on you and if it were me I would do it. But, if its an unusual name in your community I don't think the name will grow on you and then I wouldn't use it, except for a middle name that isn't really used.

amother

Whitesmoke

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 2:15 am

In mine and dh’s family we generally name after relatives, but there are names in the family which I just don’t like and will not give those names, I understand that the reason we name after deceased relatives is more to comfort the people who lost someone rather than it being connected to the person who died.
That being said dh lost his mom at a young age and although I didn’t love the name (the name was pretty common but wouldn’t have given otherwise) I knew that when we had our first girl that would be the name, there was no way I would take away from him the opportunity to name after his mom.
I think that grandparents have no right to insist that the parents should name their baby after a particular relative, but when it means a lot to either the husband or wife to give a particular name because they lost someone special to them then it’s unfair for the other spouse not to go along with it.
If it’s a very unusual name then I understand people for insisting not to use it as the the first name and should be able to compromise as a middle name.

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 2:25 am

I named after a close relative I really loved. I didn’t love the name, but it was ok. I still don’t love the name but I don’t really think about it. I love the kid and the relative they were named for.

If I hated the name, or didn’t get along with the relative, I wouldn’t do it.
If I couldn’t pronounce it, I for sure wouldn’t. It’s hard to go through life with a difficult to pronounce name.

amother

Lily

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 3:07 am

Hi bh I have bunch of kids done of there named are ones I didn't like so I added other names with it coz I nee it would be meaningful for there loved ones
Sadly my mil who passed away two months ago had a not so nice name I'm not having more kids if I would I would add name with it but sadly the younger generation don't feel the importance of using the name and how upsetting it is to there loved ones
Two neices had girls within two months of her passing and did not name after I do no that it has coursed a lot of hurt

amother

Bronze

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 3:44 am

Not chassidish in the least but we name after family. We might combine names, use a different version of the name etc but we tend to name after relatives.
I had a relative pass away recently and I had my baby during the year of aveilus. I had the opposite gender so didnt need to worry about that name. But I hate the name. It is also a name the kid would be teased over. I wondered what I would have done if it was the same gender and decided I probably would find some name with some connection (like Yiddish vs Hebrew translation of the name).

One of my kids (older kid) I knew I had to name after a specific relative. Wasnt super close with them and didnt like their character too much. No one else had, their spouse was still alive... so I did. We call my kid by a nickname plus I added a middle name. Now that name doesnt bother me and I couldnt think of a better name for my kid!!

essie14

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 5:41 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Sorry, doesn't work that way.
Not so simple.

It's extremely simple.
I would never give a name that I didn't like or couldn't pronounce. I would never give a name of a person I disliked.
DH and I created the baby and we get to choose the name. Very simple.

amother

Topaz

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 5:58 am

I named after relatives whether I liked the names or not, and they grew on me. I think of it as a gift- a gift to my parents, inlaws, grandparents, husband. By my son's bris, when my mil heard her father's name, she turned around and gave me a huge hug with tears.

For each name I also happened to find a relevant personal reason for it to be meaningful to me at that time.

But if I honestly couldnt pronounce it, I don't think I'd use it. A name should flow.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Sep 25 2022, 8:22 am

Ema of 4 wrote:

You get to choose the names of all your children? Or do you mean husband and wife choose the name together?

I got to choose the name of our first yes. We asked a shaila and my husband liked it. Of course if he didnt like it it wouldnt be an option.

But OP mentioned she does not like the name. So why are women still forced to name after people they dont like to preserve the peace and to not hurt someone elses feelings?