Psa: if your husband is a bal tefila or bal tokea please

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 2:42 am

amother Arcticblue wrote:

Men have enough responsibilities this time of the year too. So please amothers expect absolutely nothing from your husbands if you can do it yourself.

I have no issue with the OP's PSA. But can you please tell me what all of these responsibilities that men have this time of year are?

Elfrida

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 2:49 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I have no issue with the OP's PSA. But can you please tell me what all of these responsibilities that men have this time of year are?

Getting up very early for slichot is the main one that I can think of.
Hearing, or possibly blowing shofar through Elul.

And building a sukkah and buying arba minim, but in most cases that's after Yom Kippur.

amother

RosePink

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 3:05 am

what the pp wrote plus staying on top of cleaning, baths, laundry, guests, etc. I don't do his kittel but do remind him to take care of it but I don't know why the assumption is that the men don't also have a list a mile long. my dh has so many responsibilities on his plate and mine although seemingly never ending is pretty much just cooking.

salt

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:08 am

amother Quince wrote:

DH's minhag is not to wash after Pesach. The wine stains being sort of a remembrance and zechus for kapparos avonos, or something like that.

Now that's a nice minhag.

I imagine that started out something like this:
100 years ago in the shtettel, a man takes out his kittel from the closet on erev RH and sees that it's stained with wine from Pesach, as he didn't wash it after Pesach.
Sweet, relaxed and non-critical wife says "don't worry dear, it will remind us of what a lovely pesach we had half a year ago. Kapparas avonos, not to worry, we'll wash it after yom tov bli neder".

This got overheard by they children, and passed down to the next generation.

amother

Quince

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:50 am

salt wrote:

Right. Way to go, mocking a minhag

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 8:09 am

Elfrida wrote:

That’s equal to the slaving away a woman does? He can still wash his kittel even if he has morning obligations.

Elfrida

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 8:33 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

That’s equal to the slaving away a woman does? He can still wash his kittel even if he has morning obligations.

They were the only exclusively male obligations I could think of. All the other work preparing for Yom Tov can be divided as every couple sees fit. It's up to each couple who washes the kittel, and whether they do it now or right after Pesach.

amother

Amaryllis

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 8:33 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

That’s equal to the slaving away a woman does? He can still wash his kittel even if he has morning obligations.

Right. He can put it in the hamper if it gets washed, and he can drop it at the cleaners on his way to or from work if it gets dry cleaned.

amother

Brickred

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 9:15 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I have no issue with the OP's PSA. But can you please tell me what all of these responsibilities that men have this time of year are?

Some of my dh list:

-cooking the fish
-dividing and packing away all the food I leave cooling on the rack, this includes organizing and making space in the freezer - a difficult job.
-taking the boys for haircuts
-folding mountains of laundry (I often do the sorting and washing, he does the folding).
-food shopping - again and again as new products are constantly needed.
-running errands in the crazy traffic and congested stores
-setting the table
-preparing the candles
-trying to work while preparing for yom tov (working with non Jewish clients this time of the year means getting yelled at a lot)
-getting new socks, kappels, tzitzis of course last minute.
-serving kids snacks, sweeping after the kids, getting the baby out of the high chair and washing him, washing the high chair.
-making money available so the credit card doesn’t get declined on me (more charges and more charges)

And more and more and more.

We don’t have a list with designated jobs, but none of us breath much till yom tov arrives.

@shabbat you were the last one I would expect this question from.

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 10:46 am

I'd like to thank everyone's husbands for the hard work they put into all the shul jobs. Like bal tefila, bal koreh, bal tokeah, seating arrangements, collecting the money for aliyas etc. (and their wives who let them do it)

DH is 'just' the bal makre' and even that is an imposition on me I would imagine the other jobs are even more. And yes he does wear the kittel for that job!

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:44 am

amother Coffee wrote:

OMG, guys, the responses here are uncalled for, especially for this time of year. I can understand if you're too busy or overwhelmed, but how hard would it be to give your husband a reminder?

Clearly many men dump too much on their wives. There is nothing inappropriate with saying we need to end this culture of expecting women to baby their husbands.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:47 pm

amother Brickred wrote:

So I was just shocked that someone said "husband's responsibilities" because on this site, it is overwhelmingly the women who seem to have to do all or most of everything that is needed to be done for chag. Of course I know that husbands do things in the home. My husband does a lot as well. But I was shocked to read it here as it is not the overwhelming norm here on this site.

But you do also realize that your list is specific to your family. Not every husband/father is doing those things either.

amother

Gold

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 1:27 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

Clearly many men dump too much on their wives. There is nothing inappropriate with saying we need to end this culture of expecting women to baby their husbands.

Clearly the OP was trying to be helpful, which imamothers took to another level because of their own issues and biases (what else is new?) It doesn't apply to you? Skip the thread.

amother

DarkGray

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 1:30 pm

amother Gold wrote:

Clearly the OP was trying to be helpful, which imamothers took to another level because of their own issues and biases (what else is new?) It doesn't apply to you? Skip the thread.

m

Same can be said for those not liking responses. But she addressed certain women so it did apply to those and they can say how it makes them feel. Why is everyone so threatened by those who disagree? Why can’t threads have all feelings?