Asking non friends for hand me downs.

amother

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:32 am

On a scale of 1-10 how tacky is it in passing conversation to ask for hand me downs from people? We can afford clothes BH but I find it to be so wasteful. I have one large child who is particularly hard to shop for. Sometimes in shul I see a family with a larger daughter as well and was wondering if I could gracefully slip it into conversation that I am looking for hand me downs. In addition, I am due soon after a big break and again can afford baby clothes but new clothes seem so wasteful to me to spend money on.
So tell me, am I shnorr or mindfully frugal?

amother

Maple

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:38 am

Just my opinion - no appropriate way to ask directly, but . . .

1) You can mention that it is challenging shopping for certain types of clothes and ask them for tips on where they shop.

2) You can mention, in a separate conversation from #1, that you got some great hand me downs from a neighbor or that you are into giving and getting hand me downs. That way if they were afraid of offending you by offering, they'll know you're not the type to take offense.

amother

Green

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:42 am

I don’t think it’s appropriate to shnorr for the sake of it. It would bother me a lot. I like to donate my clothing to people that really need it financially.

dankbar

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:48 am

While someone is wearing their new stuff it's tacky to ask for it, when they outgrow it. I have had that happen to me, when my kids wore their new clothes.

amother

Purple

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:50 am

I think a lot depends on how you are asking. If you truly are just acquaintances and not friends. It may come across as a bit opportunistic. How do you know she doesn't already pass clothing along to someone else? I'd try to find that out first.

FYI if you reference her daughter being "larger" and that's why you want her hand me downs, she may be insulted. Even if your daughter is, too.

watergirl

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:57 am

In your case, I would post general posts in FB or whatsapp groups that you are looking for hand-me-downs in whichever sizes and let people offer. Also pay attention to various local whatsapp rummage groups where people offer their stuff to whoever. I would not just approach people you are not friends with and ask.

top mom

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:13 pm

Another point to consider.
I don't know how old your "large" dd is, but she might be self-conscious enough as is, and wearing random peoples' hand me downs will only increase her discomfort.
Especially if you can afford it.

giftedmom

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:14 pm

amother Green wrote:

I don’t think it’s appropriate to shnorr for the sake of it. It would bother me a lot. I like to donate my clothing to people that really need it financially.

This

amother

Moccasin

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:16 pm

watergirl wrote:

agree with this- if your daughter is okay with it, you can post on whatsapp or the like and say you are looking for hand me downs but I would definitely not approach people unless they are your relative or close friend

amother

Ginger

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:20 pm

My neighbor buys a new wardrobe for her kids from a-z....previous season usually gets dumped or given to whoever wants it....so before I go shopping I ask her "have anything that can fit for my daughter" I'm not poor per se but we are middle class people and if I shop for clothing I'll have to budget away from food...so for me buying clothing is a waste

amother

Ginger

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:21 pm

momsprince

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 4:34 pm

I wouldn't mind being asked for my kids clothing. If I'm not using them why would I care who is?

amother

Moonstone

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 4:57 pm

You can say, ‘wow, you keep your kids’ clothing in such perfect condition! What do you do with them once they’re outgrown?’

amother

Grape

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 5:30 pm

I don't think it's appropriate in any situation to ask random people for their hand me downs.
And if you can afford clothing but don't want to buy, you're just being stingy and tacky. It's not a waste to buy clothing. It's a necessity like food and shelter.

Raisin

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 5:37 pm

in the non Jewish groups I am in people see this as being enviromentally responsible. It is seen as wasteful even among well off people to buy new clothing. Yes, we need clothing, but no one needs brand new clothing.

seeker

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:31 pm

I'm in a few whatsapp and google groups where this is socially normative. I don't think I'd do it in person, though, unless it came up in conversation. Personally, I've proactively offered my kids' clothes to people I know who have a kid a little younger than mine, and others did the same for me.

amother

Aconite

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:37 pm

seeker wrote:

And you've passed along to me, and I'm very grateful. Smile

(I'll PM so that you know who I am.)