Home

Asking non friends for hand me downs.
Previous  1, 2
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Household Management -> Finances


View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother




Yellow
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:40 pm
I think it is socially off to ask someone who isn't a particular friend for their hand me downs - or even to hint strongly about it.

This is especially true since OP doesn't need them financially but just on general principle doesn't want to spend money.

And why are people assuming that the clothing will go to waste and be landfill if OP doesn't get it. I think most people either give clothing to a charity or to family and friends. I doubt anyone is throwing out good usable clothing. My richest friend gives amazing stuff to charity.

On a lesser scale I enjoy giving to friends and family and what they don't want I give to a thrift store because either the sale will support their organization and/or the clothing will be priced reasonably enough so that someone who truly can't afford clothing will be able to get it.
Back to top

amother




Lily
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:49 pm
If you can afford it, it’s not considered wasteful to buy new clothes. I think it’s bizzare and extremely stingy to even want to schnorr in such a situation.
Back to top

amother




Clear
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:51 pm
To ask someone directly is a little strange. Might be fine if you ask generally/on a whatsapp group
Back to top

amother




Firethorn
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:57 pm
I really am not understanding this thread. Most people buy new clothes every season and don't save things from kid to kid. don't people rather give them to someone who will wear them than throw them out or donate randomly? I love hand me downs and I love giving them too
Back to top

amother




Yellow
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:00 pm
amother Firethorn wrote:
I really am not understanding this thread. Most people buy new clothes every season and don't save things from kid to kid. don't people rather give them to someone who will wear them than throw them out or donate randomly? I love hand me downs and I love giving them too


No one is throwing out clothing.

The question is whether it is socially appropriate to approach a relative stranger because her children are dressed nicely and ask for her hand me downs.

That is inappropriate because most people have friends, family or suitable charities and would be put off if someone approached them.

As has been written, it is different if you are on an App or Group in which sharing clothing is the reason for the group or are linked in some kind of manner.

But to approach someone essentially at random is just off. I would think it very off if someone approached me out of the blue. Like the person was a vulture and I would feel on the spot and just mumble something to get out of the situation.
Back to top

amother




Grape
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:02 pm
amother Firethorn wrote:
I really am not understanding this thread. Most people buy new clothes every season and don't save things from kid to kid. don't people rather give them to someone who will wear them than throw them out or donate randomly? I love hand me downs and I love giving them too

Giving away clothing to family and friends, is not the same as a random stranger approaching me to ask for my hand me downs because she doesn't want to spend on clothing and her daughter is also heavy.... that's just weird and inappropriate.
Back to top

amother




Yellow
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:23 pm
Also if your daughter is chubby she is probably more sensitive to being dressed in a flattering manner than a slim girl so trying in and picking out the most flattering items to her personal taste are critical.

Why don’t you ask the woman where she shops for such nice clothing in hard to find sizes. Of course in a tactful manner.
Back to top

amother




Impatiens
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:28 pm
It depends when and how you ask.
I'm envisioning walking up to someone wearing a brand new outfit on simchas torah and asking them if you can have it when they are done... simply weird.
Asking at the end of the season may be diff.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:22 am
I am amused by the responses. After reading over the comments I can certainly see how weird it is to breathe down some strangers neck and say "hey, nice dress. give it to me next season, thanks." I was more thinking of approaching it in conversation if we are speaking like "your daughter has such cute clothes, if you are considering throwing them out we will totally take them." I think I approach this from a feeling of avoiding waste as some commenters stated. I always bag up my kids clothing that isn't torn/stained and love to pass them on to people. Not only does it save money but why be so wasteful in terms of environment etc. Of course I buy my kids clothes but I can't ever wrap my mind around buying a dress for 75 dollars and then dumping it at goodwill or even worse the trash.
Back to top

amother




Green
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:27 am
amother OP wrote:
I am amused by the responses. After reading over the comments I can certainly see how weird it is to breathe down some strangers neck and say "hey, nice dress. give it to me next season, thanks." I was more thinking of approaching it in conversation if we are speaking like "your daughter has such cute clothes, if you are considering throwing them out we will totally take them." I think I approach this from a feeling of avoiding waste as some commenters stated. I always bag up my kids clothing that isn't torn/stained and love to pass them on to people. Not only does it save money but why be so wasteful in terms of environment etc. Of course I buy my kids clothes but I can't ever wrap my mind around buying a dress for 75 dollars and then dumping it at goodwill or even worse the trash.


Why do you assume anyone throws clothing in the garbage? I find it very off putting that you concern yourself with what others are doing. You can post an announcement that you are looking for clothing, but don't harass specific people. Also as your kids get older, please don't do this, they deserve dignity and respect and this is very socially off.
Back to top

amother




Lotus
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:29 am
Extremely socially off to ask for her hand me downs. I cant believe its even a question

You can just say "im really struggling finding clothing for my daughter, do you mind sharing stores you go to for your own daughter?"
Back to top

amother




Purple
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:23 pm
Nobody is dumping excellent quality clothing in the trash or goodwill, unless it's very worn out or outdated styles. Basically stuff that you wouldn't want anyway, or at least your kids wouldn't (unless they are super young and don't know the difference).
Good quality clothing either gets saved, passed along, or donated to a Gmach. You can ask her if you really want to but she probably already does one of the above options.
Back to top

amother




Grape
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:29 pm
amother OP wrote:
I am amused by the responses. After reading over the comments I can certainly see how weird it is to breathe down some strangers neck and say "hey, nice dress. give it to me next season, thanks." I was more thinking of approaching it in conversation if we are speaking like "your daughter has such cute clothes, if you are considering throwing them out we will totally take them." I think I approach this from a feeling of avoiding waste as some commenters stated. I always bag up my kids clothing that isn't torn/stained and love to pass them on to people. Not only does it save money but why be so wasteful in terms of environment etc. Of course I buy my kids clothes but I can't ever wrap my mind around buying a dress for 75 dollars and then dumping it at goodwill or even worse the trash.


No one throws good clothing in the trash. Most people save them or give them away to people they know or to a community gemach. It's really inappropriate to ask a stranger for hand me downs, even if it's in conversation. Please don't be stingy on your kids cheshbon. Being stingy is a very bad middah. If you can afford clothing, buy them for your children. Save them the embarrassment. I'm sure your daughter that's heavy is self conscious enough about her weight, she deserves the dignity of new clothing.
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:42 pm
amother OP wrote:
I am amused by the responses. After reading over the comments I can certainly see how weird it is to breathe down some strangers neck and say "hey, nice dress. give it to me next season, thanks." I was more thinking of approaching it in conversation if we are speaking like "your daughter has such cute clothes, if you are considering throwing them out we will totally take them." I think I approach this from a feeling of avoiding waste as some commenters stated. I always bag up my kids clothing that isn't torn/stained and love to pass them on to people. Not only does it save money but why be so wasteful in terms of environment etc. Of course I buy my kids clothes but I can't ever wrap my mind around buying a dress for 75 dollars and then dumping it at goodwill or even worse the trash.

OK, now I understand why you think buying clothing is wasteful. I’m getting the impression that you yourself through clothing away after your child is done with it, which is why you think it is wasteful to buy just to throw away (I know you said you bag and give away). Most people do not do this. Honestly, I would be quite offended if someone asked me if they could have my clothing if I was going to be throwing it away. I would wonder what it is about me that people assume I throw away good stuff. Normal people don't throw away good clothes.


Last edited by watergirl on Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:21 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

BatZion




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:52 pm
amother Grape wrote:
I don't think it's appropriate in any situation to ask random people for their hand me downs.
And if you can afford clothing but don't want to buy, you're just being stingy and tacky. It's not a waste to buy clothing. It's a necessity like food and shelter.


I agree with the first part of your post.
The second part is rude. And you said it anonymously. Brave.
I also happen to disagree with "it's not a waste to buy clothing".
I shop second-hand for my kids (apart from underwear, socks, tights, and shoes) at the beginning of the season and make up what I can't find with new clothing.
Admittedly my children are still young (7 and under), but a. this is what is done in my community, and b. we (humanity) throw away too much.
It's not stingy and tacky. It's better for the environment. I buy second-hand for myself (again, apart from the above mentioned before). I'd much rather spend that money on other things.
Having said that, if and when my kids oppose second-hand (which is always in excellent condition, no stains or tears) I will absolutely go out and buy them new.
To OP:
It IS off to ask random people, even pleasantly, if you can have their clothing when they're done with it.
It IS a good idea to ask in appropriate social media groups or find good second-hand stores.
It is also a good idea to first and foremost consider your child's feelings before buying second-hand. She's older (if I remember correctly?) It may be the right thing (in fact, likely absolutely the right thing) to do to buy her new clothing that makes her feel wonderful and builds up her self-confidence. Don't make her feel more awkward than she already does. And I say that as a pro-second hand clothes buyer. It's not worth it.
Back to top

amother




Feverfew
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:53 pm
I love finding people to pass along my kids' clothes to when they're done with them! I'd much rather give them to another frum family that I know will enjoy them than give them to a random charity. I don't actually know a local gemach to give them to, and I often end up keeping unused clothes in the basement closet while trying to figure out what to do them (and then they become outdated). It makes me so happy to know that clothes that I spent good money on are being put to use.
Back to top

amother




Wallflower
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:14 pm
You can try to find a common friend who is friends with the woman you are not close to. You can ask her to ''by the way I have a friend that would take 2nd hand clothing. I am asking around trying to help her''.
Back to top

amother




Aqua
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:25 pm
momsprince wrote:
I wouldn't mind being asked for my kids clothing. If I'm not using them why would I care who is?


Same. I would love if someone would ask me if they could have my kids clothes when I'm done with them. Sometimes I wanna offer stuff to people I know who have kids just a bit younger than mine, but I don't want to offend them.
Back to top

amother




Aqua
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:27 pm
I myself wouldn't find it offensive and I do take hand me downs from family if I like the stuff and its in perfect condition.

But I once asked my sil if she wants one of my kids dresses that she had grown out of and she seemed to be offfended by the offer
Back to top
Page 2 of 2 Previous  1, 2 Recent Topics

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

Related Topics Replies Last Post
SIL sent 13 year old alone to my bar mitzvah without asking
by amother
67 Yesterday at 12:29 pm View last post
I'm asking because... (s/o shidduch questions) 56 Yesterday at 1:24 am View last post
When asking neigbors to host OOT guests for a simcha...
by amother
56 Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:34 am View last post
Looking to buy second hand
by amother
2 Thu, Nov 24 2022, 4:56 pm View last post
Nice hand me downs
by amother
2 Thu, Nov 24 2022, 9:28 am View last post