Your hf autistic kid did he Marry and get a job

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 4:04 pm

I'm constantly worrying about this and desperately need help! Because my son is very bright cognitively he was misdiagnosed for many years. Does anyone know of a Rav or therapist in Monsey who is good for HFA? I feel like he could be ok as an adult if he finds something to hyperfocus on (like computers, coding, etc.), but how to get him there?!!! Feels so overwhelming cuz of the "hidden" nature of the disability. Always in mainstream schools just struggling, bullied, and "different."

amother

Bisque

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 4:50 pm

Married to a HFA guy, we have kids. He's the primary breadwinner, he has worked in the tech industry for nearly 15 years (tech industry is very friendly to neurodivergent people). He's a great husband and father most of the time. Our oldest also has HFA, to young to know for sure how independent he'll be, but no reason to think he can't do just as well as father as bh we have the right support for him.

I have a brother who also has HFA. I'm a BT, so my brother isn't frum and is too young by secular social standards to be married, but he has a great job (also in tech) and a long term girlfriend. I have no idea whether he plans on having kids, but if he wants them, I'm sure he'll have them.

amother

Gladiolus

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 4:58 pm

DH has HFA we have a wonderful marriage, he is a great husband, great father.

Dh is brilliant, and like others said this is very individual based but in general HFA is pretty much invisible, especially if it is very mild.

Don't worry about your kid, get any therapies needed and by the time he grows up he will be as prepared as he can be.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 6:40 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

I am married to someone who is HF autistic. He was never diagnosed as a kid, but it is so obvious. Even his mother now realizes he has it.

He got married. He has kids. He's overall a great husband and father. He's still only working part time because he can't finish his degree. He's been working on the degree way longer than 4 years...

So I'll say about him that he is married, but he's never had a full time job. We are married for a decade.

Did you realize his diagnosis when dating ?

amother

Grape

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:21 pm

amother Burntblack wrote:

My brother is HFA and while not married (yet) he is well into completing his degree and pursuing internships.

I have met HFA frum men who are married with families. One obvious one is Ben SHapiro (though I don't know if he is actually diagnosed but he seems very HFA to me). Bu I do actually know happily married couples where both spouses have diagnosed HFA and they re very happy.

Try joining AANE they aren't frum, but hey have lots if resources and support groups for parents.

What I see that held my brother back for a long time (though he has worked thru a lot of it know) is the feeling that my parents never accepted him and where always trying to "help" him or "change" him. They did a therapy process together and a lot of the issues that where holding him back have been resolved.

There was also a lot of depression from feeling socially isolated and different then everyone, which has gotten a lot better as he has made relationships in his interest groups.

We did live in LKWD and he was mainstreamed - and the bullying nearly destroyed him. I believe that it is a very hard place to raise a non- neurotypical kid. He did much better when we moved OOT and felt welcomed and accpeted - though it did bother him that he was treated as a nebach - but it was much better then being bullied or ignored.

Also a big thing about HFA is that they reach certain emotional milestones later then the chronoclogical or mental age. So you can have a brilliant 22 year old acting like a young teenager. But at some point they cathch up and they reach the emotional milestones. my brother is now 26 and he is such a nice, kind, interesting, and thoughtful person too be around - but at 21 he was behaving like a belligerent 14 year old.

what are you talking about regarding Ben Shapiro? I dont follow him that closely but this NEVER crossed my mind. I think you are mistaken.

amother

Denim

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:39 am

The workplace very much wants and needs Aspies. They are low-drama, hard-working, detail-oriented, loyal, honest, and natural problem-solvers. The main hurdle is the hiring process which can be very challenging for aspies. Making eye-contact on an interview, making small talk, schmoozing about their past, etc are all challenging. BH no special reason why a mother of HFA should worry about his future job.

Relationships are more of a challenge, but still no reason for you to worry about him getting married. I am married to someone HFA, and the challenges we face are more related to his anxiety/sensory issues etc, and not to his ability to communicate.

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 2:08 am

So I'll be the outlier.

My sister married someone who is HFA, he had a degree and an Amazon sales business. He was 35 when they got married (she was much younger). Their marriage did not last because she wasn't up to dealing with an Aspie even though she'd read up on it and thought she could do it. He was coached through the dating and engagement period but I guess not through the marriage.
She was abusive to him. And he being an Aspie didn't deal well with it, or even know to identify that he was being abused. Luckily for him she initiated divorce. He didn't feel equipped to care for their baby alone during shared custody so he readily agreed to once a week supervised visits.

He later remarried, his parents understood their mistake and made sure that the couple were coached/ counseled throughout their engagement and properly prepared for marriage and received the necessary support afterwards as well. At the time of the second marriage both he and the new wife were around 40. No kids from that marriage, and I don't think there will be any, but they are still married a few years on. Very nice lady, very sweet, they seem happy together.

Point being, yes he got married, yes he has a degree, yes he has a job (very part time though), no he could not make a marriage work without significant support and coaching. And a warning: I think a big part of why he fell in with my sister and didn't realize the abuse is that he is HFA. He was more vulnerable because he didn't quite grasp social norms. Be careful with your HFA sons, abusive wives are common and wield enormous power in society and court.

amother

Viola

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 2:35 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Him not knowing how to deal with an abusive spouse is not necessarily related to HFA. It may have made it more challenging to deal with this issue but there are non HFA people who don't react well to abuse. This is an issue of abuse rather than issue of HFA

amother

Maroon

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:35 am

Autism is a huge spectrum. My brother is HFA didnt get any support or help as a teen or young adult and just doesn't care. He has a steady good job but he doesn't shower often, and I don't think is currently able to get married.

My husband and I are both HFA and my husband worked and is now in school full time. He does struggle but it's not really an autism thing, it's more the common Co-morbidities like anxiety and light OCD. He's in therapy to get better tools to deal with stress and anxiety and on medication for anxiety as well and doing great.

My husband has lots of HFA friends. He seems to find them without looking. They're all so different but all of them are either married or totally capable of marriage but just haven't found the one for them.

Yes shul is hard. Find a small shteibel or minyan that everyone says hello, isn't too loud, and really knows each other. Those are ones my husband likes. For simchas Torah we're going to a small minyan of 20 families or so that do hakafos in an hour and it's not loud of squishy. Find something they will want to go to.

Most HFA men and boys don't hate shul, they hate the noise, crowds, unfamiliar, non accommodating, socializing, and parts of shul that are hard for them.

amother

Garnet

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:23 am

amother Aubergine wrote:

Do you have a therapist or other services for him? A Rav is not enough.

Chickensoupprof

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:15 am

I was a HF kid with ASD, and I'm married but not working. I'm expecting and it's scary that is what I can tell you...
I think it depends on the child-like always. Now your DS is a teen, teenagers have hormones and need to be teenagers. I felt as a teen that I wasn't really allowed to be a teen because I felt that everything I did was seen as wrong or sick due ASD. To this day I feel that DLKZ doesn't apply to me because people see me inherently as disordered, but this is also self-stigma. Anyhoo u don't know how ur kid will turn out anyway. Let him be, guide him in things he want to be guided but he is also still a kid, his brain is not yet developed. Furthermore never go to websites like AutismSpeaks it's an awful organization. Look at ASD advocacy groups were people with ASD are on the boards and can advise you from their own experiences.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:55 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

I find some autism advocates to be insanely radical to the point of absurdity.
They’ve told me that my low functioning autistic brother was having his rights violated by being in a group home and not having autonomy…

Chickensoupprof

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:11 am

amother Snowflake wrote:

Well, sometimes it is... I know parents of children who are in a group home and some are the worst and some are ok enough. Same with elderly demented people, even when they are in their last stadium of dementia I think it good to ask if he/she wants to have compote or icecream as dessert for instance. I'm also really against pushing a wheelchair somewhere no, you ask first or tell first what you are doing before you are going to push someone. So to someone who is low functioning in his/her ASD or whatever disorder it might be. I don't know how it is in the USA though with group homes or whatever. Let's say here in the NL they try and have mostly brought down medical restraint in this type of healthcare. Even when someone is in our eyes low functioning and is under a guardian he/she must be able to have a say in little things.
Ok last example, my friend works on a psychiatric ICU where people live for a while. Most of the time they are forced by law there. Sometimes a patient is on forced medication if the patient refused the medication and is in a deep psychosis the doctor can give them forced meds. So she is a nurse who needs to prepare this medication and give it to the patient wants to do this together with the patient she wants to have him/her a say in the matter like 'do you want to another nurse to hold your hand?' 'Do you want to have left/or right?' she isn't asking 3 other people to hold this patient still first thing. No because autonomy matters.

amother

Ecru

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:25 am

my cousin who I'm very close with is HF Autistic. She went to a mainstream elementary school and more of a special needs high school. she's married and her husband also has HF Autism. she worked as a morah for a while and now is taking care of her 5 kids and managing beautifully. yes, they are sometimes dressed a bit not so usual, but they are happy and healthy and non of her kids are autistic either (they have mentors at school for the kids to help out.) she has a great marriage and her husband works a full time job in a factory. she is one of the happiest people I know and I envy her sometimes for her ability to float through life in a bubble of happiness almost, where she doesn't get bothered by mean comments people make, she is not weighed down by keeping up with fashion, with trends, with having the best and the most. Instead she is such a happy person, just loving her little family and taking care of them to the best of her ability.