In-town yeshivish- how much clothing for a kallah?

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:26 am

If your daughter is working now (which I'm assuming she is...) then she has decent amount of presentable clothes to start her marriage.
Personally I would make sure that she has enough socks tights and underwear in good condition as those ae things that are so basic yet somehow get overlooked.
Maybe get one or two nicer tops/sweaters but that's really it.

Sewsew_mom

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:27 am

amother Heather wrote:

What you say is true for working guys.
Most full time learning guy do not buy their own clothes.
Where would they have the money for it if they're not working? Scratching Head

I know lots of yeshiva guys who need money for things they want and they find it.
They work in the summer, work during chagim - sukkah building, esrog selling, summer camp, tutoring, teaching music.. There is so much they can do. If you treat them like babies they will get married like babies. They are fully responsible grown men.
They should know when they need a coat and be able to purchase one themselves - even if it means walking into a gmach.
Mothers - your children aren't babies if you treat them like adults.
If you treat them like irresponsible children they will have a very very hard time being married.

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:31 am

Sewsew_mom wrote:

This is true. And to be honest, when I inquire about a young man, these are things I like to hear about him. It shows responsibility.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:42 am

I am the mother of a son who got married a short while ago. Yeshivish OOT and he is in kollel, being supported by my DIL who BH has a great job. Before they got married, we bought our son a new wardrobe - shirts, pants, underpants, undershirts, socks and yes - a new winter coat (which he wore under the chuppah, under his kittel). We were happy to buy these things for him, even though we are under a tight budget, because we felt he should start off his marriage with clean, fresh clothing. My DIL is working so hard to support them and enable my son to learn - why should she have to deal with washing her new husband's holey underclothing? I specifically told my son to throw away anything that looked gross and not let his new wife even see it.

amother

Currant

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:50 am

what do you expect in a society where kallahs are playing dress up in a new sheital and supported for years while they figure their lives out. The husbands are learning and not worrying about parnassa...they simply go from living at home as a single person to being married in a sheital being intimate and playing dress up on their parents cards.

the yeshivish system will not be sustainable for the next generation.

and im saying this as someone whos part of the yeshivish world. I have no idea what im going to do for my daughters. I deff dont want them to grow up like how I did

ETA: my dh had holey socks stained tzitzis gross undershirts... I had to spend a ton getting him everything new. legit everything: new black pants, new white shirts, new socks, new boxers, new tzitzis, new coat... it caused a strain at first... I wish my MIL took care of it.

amother

Lemonlime

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:54 am

amother Burlywood wrote:

This.
My brother in law got married with holey socks and underwear and my sister who was supporting him had to pay for all his basics right after the wedding. She and my parents spent all this money to set up the housewares ect and he came in like that. It definitely caused resentment at the beginning of a marriage which is unnecessary. Mothers buy your boys some new underwear and normal socks and tzizis before they get married.

Sewsew_mom

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:51 am

amother Lemonlime wrote:

I would also be resentful.
Mothers.. Why do your children not have coats and fresh undergarments. These are your children.
Talking about buying a whole new wardrobe because your neighbors did before marriage is very different than making sure your children have proper clothing to wear. But that doesn't need to take place right before marriage. That needs to be taken care of on a daily basis.
Don't throw your children into marriage hoping someone else will take care of them. That's your job to bring them up properly.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:06 pm

I would say to get some extra basics because you can do laundry less often for two people than a big family (if that's what chosson/kallah are currently part of). So a week - two weeks of tights, underwear, shells and basics.

(Personally, I needed new underwear just to have clean white pairs and pairs with no white at all, so that is separate cheshbon)

amother

IndianRed

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:07 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

Realistically, this is a likely scenario if you marry a young guy in yeshiva who comes from a family with no money. His parents are probably more focused on providing his younger siblings with underwear and school uniforms etc. Not saying it's ok, but that's just the way it is. The kallah shouldn't be so surprised by this, but I guess if she's very young herself and her parents have just bought her a brand new wardrobe she didn't really understand the ramifications of marrying someone whose parents couldn't do the same.

That said, I know that in BMG there are funds specifically available for chassanim who need help with this. Not for gifts or jewelry for the kallah, for the chassan to buy clothing for the wedding as well as and for starting off married life. Underwear, shirts, suit/tie for the wedding, etc. It's very discreet and done in a dignified way.

Also, as others have said, there are ways for the yeshiva guys to get odd jobs to make extra cash, whether seasonal bein hazmanim type jobs, also BMG has various stipends, where guys can do certain jobs around the yeshiva and get paid a stipend, just like in a regular college. Nobody is going to get rich off these jobs, but they should have enough to buy themselves a coat or other necessity.

amother

Narcissus

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:19 pm

I wish I could have gotten new clothing before getting married. My parents didn't let me to spend my own money on things (they were very controlling about money specifically) and they were extremely stressed about paying for the wedding. That left me with holey underwear, 3 pairs of tight and 2 shells that were at least 4 years old. My new husband was horrified to say the least. It was horrible and embarrassing. During Sheva brachos, I went to buy the stuff I needed but it was very shameful.

amother

IndianRed

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:29 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

This doesn't sound like the typical situation, though.
Plus, how old were you when you got married? If you were, say, 21, and working for a couple of years you would have a work wardrobe. If you had gone to sem, presumably you'd have more than 2 pairs of undergarments and whatnot. Op's question doesn't sound like it's for a girl just out of high school.

amother

Oleander

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:38 pm

In chassidish circles, it's called shrafir.

Most chosson & kallah get a new wardrobe.

Some of the clothing from before are still used and some go to younger siblings. But it's the norm for chosson kallah to start fresh. I hope to be able to do this for my children. It's not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things.

amother

IndianRed

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:59 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

But op is not asking about chassidish circles. And in yeshivish circles, the chassan and kallah are a bit older. It's different. Usually the girl has a job and presumably has decent looking tights and shells, as well as nice outfits (work + dating wardrobe). And the guys are old enough to take some initiative that they don't need to come into marriage with no coat at all etc.

amother

Narcissus

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:06 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

No it wasn't typical. But outsiders would have never guessed.

I did get married at 21 with a bare bones "survival style" wardrobe. Hence the shamefulness.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:07 pm

amother IndianRed wrote:

Eh, plenty of 19 y olds yeshivishe girls get engaged and married, the year after the seminary. Many are still in college.

amother

IndianRed

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:20 pm

amother Narcissus wrote:

No it wasn't typical. But outsiders would have never guessed.

I did get married at 21 with a bare bones "survival style" wardrobe. Hence the shamefulness.

Sounded like you were working before, just your parents were controlling and didn't let you buy underwear? So, you had savings to go ahead and buy after the wedding. Of course it's better to go into marriage with the requisite necessities but it's not that you were doomed to suffer through shana rishona with only 2 pairs of tights.

Most 21 year old yeshivish girls have a job and can buy themselves what they need, if their parents haven't been able to in the past. Yeah, I came from a family on a tight budget and I did go through high school with holey underwear and whatnot (not my parents fault, they couldn't do more) so you bet that as soon as I started working that's the kind of thing I took care of, but thankfully I didn't have the controlling parent situation you were dealing with. I wasn't interested in dating/getting married before I had a job (I.e. finished college) , because I knew I needed to have a source of income. Not just for after marriage but for whatever things I needed prior. Girls who are on their own,so to speak, usually have a more realistic attitude about finances.