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In-town yeshivish- how much clothing for a kallah?
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amother
DarkGray


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:20 pm
amother Lemonlime wrote:
This.
My brother in law got married with holey socks and underwear and my sister who was supporting him had to pay for all his basics right after the wedding. She and my parents spent all this money to set up the housewares ect and he came in like that. It definitely caused resentment at the beginning of a marriage which is unnecessary. Mothers buy your boys some new underwear and normal socks and tzizis before they get married.

Dh's parents bought him outer clothing, suits etc. so in their mind he was set bec he looked normal to them but everything else like pajamas, underwear, casual bein hazmanin clothes were so gross. I wasn't annoyed about the money but I'm getting to know this new person in my life it's hard to do that when all his undershirts have holes in the underarms. It felt like a lack of respect for me. He was only worth dressing nice to everyone who sees the outside but I don't matter.
I will clarify that I did get new wardrobe for myself at all that was not he norm in my cirlces just a few new outfits for sheva brachos which I wore for Shabbos and to my friends weddings after but everything I brought in was clean and good condition.
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amother
Ultramarine


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:43 pm
amother Chambray wrote:
How are kids supposed to be buying their own wardrobes long before they get married? Most kids aren't working. I think it's a parents responsibility to clothe, feed, and provide shelter for their children at least till they finish school and start working.


If they are adults ready to be married they should have some way to pay the bills even a small part time job like tutoring or babysitting.
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amother
Crystal


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 3:33 pm
amother NeonOrange wrote:
If someone is old enough to get married they should be responsible for their own clothes. It is not your in laws responsibility to make sure your dh has a coat. What did he wear the winter before? He was waiting to get married to buy a winter coat?

I was paying for my clothing long before I got married and bought what I needed when I got engaged. Same with dh. Making a wedding is expensive why do the parents have to pay for a year's worth of clothing too. And just because you are getting married doesn't mean you need everything new. Yes, it's nice but not doable for most.
This is off topic, but in these circles, some people get married very young, and their salary, while expected, may possibly not he enough to finance their entire budget, which may not be realistic.
This is why I disagree with marrying off young people who do not have the ability to support themselves.
My salary barely covered rent and food, we owned our car and in laws covered car insurance, there was zero money left over for anything else.
The concept is mind boggling that parents encourage young people without the means to support themselves.
I bought my own clothes before I got married, too.
However, add the rent and food (and we were on such a strict budget - I once posted if a food budget is reasonable and was made fun of that it was so unrealistic. )
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amother
Sand


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:07 pm
I don’t think anything is needed more than sheva brachos outfits and basics. Most ppl in this sector get pregnant soon after getting married and then they can’t fit into those clothes again. It becomes such a waste. My sister got pregnant right after getting married and most of the outfits she got (tonssss) don’t fit her anymore.
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amother
NeonYellow


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:16 pm
Yeshivish living in Lakewood, married 2 years. I always thought a “whole new wardrobe” was an exaggeration because of the expenses like some sheva brachos outfits, dating clothes, lingerie…lol never thought it was actually literal. I also got some new pjs because some of mine were stained/had holes, a bathrobe and some more stockings because I used to just share with my sisters, we never knew whose they were.
My MIL got DH some new non-iron shirts to make life easier for me (thank you!!) and she also made him throw out anything smelly, old, stained, or had holes, again for my sake. So he really did end up getting a new wardrobe. In addition to a chasuna and sheva brachos suit, shoes, tie, and hat.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:35 pm
amother OP wrote:
I have heard that (intown yeshivish) Kallahs are getting new wardrobes (not just 7 brachos clothing) for once they are married and I just can’t wrap my head around how that’s possible given all the other expenses.
What is an average amount of clothing that kallahs get? Thanks


I don't see your typical eshovish Lakewood kallahs getting a full new weekday wardrobe if they already have been working. They probably get a lot "refreashed" though.

However they do get plenty of new shobbos/ dressy attire which is plenty wasteful itself and annoys me greatly.

I'm currently buying "a whole new wardrobe" for my post sem daughter, though. We bought one new shobbos outfit for sem and she only had a couple weekday......so we're starting from scratch for her job and dressy clothes.
And yes, dh and I are paying and she's saving what she earns.
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:41 pm
Chayalle wrote:
This is true. And to be honest, when I inquire about a young man, these are things I like to hear about him. It shows responsibility.


True. One of the things I am most proud of is that when dh was between jobs (he has two graduate degrees and could not find a job for a year) he took a job working for one of these seasonal businesses. It was demeaning for him but he stepped up to the plate to support his family and I could not be prouder (or more grateful to Hashem for having brought us through that tough stage).

Op, if your daughter is working she can contribute to whatever new clothes she needs. That’s what I did.
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amother
Banana


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:41 pm
the yeshivish system will not be sustainable for the next generation.


They said that about the last generation also.
Also, the gemach for BMG chasanim pays for clothing for the chosson and also kallah gifts
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amother
Bluebell


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 4:58 pm
I did not read the entire thread
Sorry if this is repeated
Our kallot did get MANY new things
It’s not like they didn’t take their other stuff as well.
IMHO- they deserve to have fresh underwear, bras, shells, stockings, tights, slips, night gowns, slippers, shoes
Besides 7b dresses a few simpler Shabbat dresses
Also some work clothing
I see nothing wrong with parents providing this for their children

For those that say that if she’s old enough to marry, she’s old enough to budget for her own clothing,
The budget is now the couple’s budget and I don’t think it’s fair to put this on the new Chatan the day after marriage, even though it’s written in the Kesuba. He will have a lifetime to fulfill his obligations.

Talking as a mom of 3 girls and 1 boy
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:59 pm
amother Salmon wrote:
I didn't mean my post to sound that way. I'm so grateful for everything my parents gave me over the years.

The beginning of marriage is expensive. So many things we needed to buy... They did it for me and I'm grateful. In the beginning of a marriage even a good one there are so many things to work through and I'm glad that I didn't have to add any more stresses at that time.

My dh on the other hand is from the bottom of a large family and was very much not set up in that way (for sure partially due to the expense.) He was using his old yeshiva threadbare undershirts with holes etc. One pair of pajamas. Shoes with worn out soles.. Besides for his clothing he wore to the chasunah we had to replace his whole wardrobe within 6 months. Yes it was a strain on our budget.


Don't you think buying new wardrobes is a strain on the parent's budget too? I'm not suggesting someone should be getting married with threadbare clothes, but looking at the situation as the last chance to milk my parents so that I don't have stress after my wedding is very self-centered.

You don't need new clothing, barring a few new SB outfits. What you wore before marriage works for after marriage too. If it's in good condition, there's no need to replace it just because its on your parents' dime. It's quite common for people's sizes to change soon after marriage, so it makes little sense to buy everything new just because. So the excuse that you're stocking up for after marriage so you don't have any stress, is a poor excuse. There is a strong likelihood that what you're buying now won't fit pretty soon, so it's a risk you're taking in buying so many new things. Ask yourself - if it were on your own dime, how much of that risk would be taken in consideration. You'd hem and haw and see if it's really needed, and consider the fact that it may not fit shortly. But since its on your parents' dime, all that consideration goes out the window. Be honest with yourself, let's say you yourself had the money, if you'd have to pay for all that yourself how much of it would you have really bought.

And besides, if you get pregnant soon after marriage, don't you have the stress regardless to buy maternity clothing? So think about it for a second, you're buying new clothing that runs the risk of hardly being worn. There is a strong likelihood that you'll need a maternity wardrobe after the wedding . There is a likelihood that you'll need new clothing regardless because figures often change once you become s*xually active. So honestly, isn't the thought process really mostly about that if you can milk the parents for it, then go for it. Because if you'd have to pony up your own money for all this, you wouldn't use any of your excuses for your own self.
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:04 pm
amother Chambray wrote:
How are kids supposed to be buying their own wardrobes long before they get married? Most kids aren't working. I think it's a parents responsibility to clothe, feed, and provide shelter for their children at least till they finish school and start working.


Once a child is married, the responsibility of a couple's needs rests solely on themselves. If they want to stay in learning, and finish school they should be working out the details themselves. That may mean they need to learn to live with little and push through, or that may mean they need to make other decisions that will help them get their footing. But the responsibility its not on the parents.

If the parents have the means and offer to help - that's beautiful. But if parents don't have the means, then that's life. The parents have other kids at home now for whom they carry the full responsibility for. That's where the parents need to direct all of their limited resources to. This young couple has xx number of years for whom the parents fully devoted themselves to. The younger kids deserve the same.
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:08 pm
amother Oleander wrote:
In chassidish circles, it's called shrafir.

Most chosson & kallah get a new wardrobe.

Some of the clothing from before are still used and some go to younger siblings. But it's the norm for chosson kallah to start fresh. I hope to be able to do this for my children. It's not a lot of money in the grand scheme of things.


Of course it's a lot of money when you don't have the means. Every extra expense adds up. The whole concept of shtafir is ridiculous. Do you know how much strain that puts on the parents to have to buy everything new? What's wrong with wearing the same coat and clothing that you wore before you got married? Of course, if something is not in great condition it makes sense to change it up. But to completely outfit a person from head to toe with everything new is simply a wasteful expenditure with a purely selfish attitude.

Parents are so financially strapped these days. How can a young kallah heartless demand that the parents spend money they don't have just so they can get everything new. A mature young adult, with good middos and a heart would try to limit the expense on the parents, instead of piling on more and more.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:21 pm
Quote:
There is a likelihood that you'll need new clothing regardless because figures often change once you become s*xually active.

Wait, what? Is this a thing?
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amother
Bluebell


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:35 pm
I’m reading some of the replys and I don’t understand. Newly married girls paying for their husband’s wardrobe?
They just signed a kesuba a week ago?
Does the kesuba mean nothing?
Doesn’t it state there that it’s the husband’s responsibility?
It is a contract after all.

I understand that women are supporting the household. But if it were me I would put all the holey gross under garments in a bag and take it to MIL.
I’m sorry this is totally irresponsible on the boys
Mothers please make sure your boys go with
NEW underwear
A package of 10 costs $20ish
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.....;th=1
I don’t think it will break the bank
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:38 pm
amother Bluebell wrote:
I’m reading some of the replys and I don’t understand. Newly married girls paying for their husband’s wardrobe?
They just signed a kesuba a week ago?
Does the kesuba mean nothing?
Doesn’t it state there that it’s the husband’s responsibility?
It is a contract after all.

I understand that women are supporting the household. But if it were me I would put all the holey gross under garments in a bag and take it to MIL.
I’m sorry this is totally irresponsible on the boys
Mothers please make sure your boys go with
NEW underwear
A package of 10 costs $20ish
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.....;th=1

Sorry. Just had to say I don't know you. I love you. You spent the extra time supplying the link for the undershirts. I'm dying.
The kesuba in the yeshivish circle doesn't mean much. The girls take on full responsibility for everything as soon as they accept the ring. They even accept responsibility for the holey undergarments. Package deal.
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amother
IndianRed


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:42 pm
amother Bluebell wrote:
I’m reading some of the replys and I don’t understand. Newly married girls paying for their husband’s wardrobe?
They just signed a kesuba a week ago?
Does the kesuba mean nothing?
Doesn’t it state there that it’s the husband’s responsibility?
It is a contract after all.

I understand that women are supporting the household. But if it were me I would put all the holey gross under garments in a bag and take it to MIL.
I’m sorry this is totally irresponsible on the boys
Mothers please make sure your boys go with
NEW underwear
A package of 10 costs $20ish
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.....;th=1
I don’t think it will break the bank

There's a huge difference between making sure someone has decent underwear and pj's, vs an entirely new wardrobe complete with fancy outfits. Nobody is saying the young couple should start off with tattered undergarments. That's not the expensive burden posters are describing. (It wouldn't break the bank for the young couple to buy new underwear as needed either, fwiw.) But as been detailed previously, these are young people who can have used their own earnings or used the special funds available for this purpose.
Your average 20 something yeshivish girl or boy getting married has had opportunities to make money to make sure they are dressed decently if not fancily, if their parents can't provide.
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amother
Heather


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:44 pm
amother Bluebell wrote:
I’m reading some of the replys and I don’t understand. Newly married girls paying for their husband’s wardrobe?
They just signed a kesuba a week ago?
Does the kesuba mean nothing?
Doesn’t it state there that it’s the husband’s responsibility?
It is a contract after all.

I understand that women are supporting the household. But if it were me I would put all the holey gross under garments in a bag and take it to MIL.
I’m sorry this is totally irresponsible on the boys
Mothers please make sure your boys go with
NEW underwear
A package of 10 costs $20ish
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.....;th=1
I don’t think it will break the bank

This 100%.
It's totally not acceptable.
(Can you imagine if a kalla would have to run the week after sheva brachos to buy herself pantyhose or underwear.... Can't Believe It )
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amother
IndianRed


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 7:47 pm
amother Heather wrote:
This 100%.
It's totally not acceptable.
(Can you imagine if a kalla would have to run the week after sheva brachos to buy herself pantyhose or underwear.... Can't Believe It )

Why? I know plenty of kallahs who outfitted themselves before their wedding with their own money. If they run out of pantyhose the week after sheva brachos they take care of that, too.
In the long run, I think they are more prepared for the responsibilities of married life.
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amother
Razzmatazz


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:15 pm
I got married a year after seminary. I worked throughout high school and sem and the next year. Since I graduated I paid for all of my clothes and any other of my expenses.
When I got engaged I paid for a my sheva Brachos outfits, a few new shells, new underwear (never had white underwear before), new pajamas (needed white and I was told it’s nice to have new ones though I wore my old ones a lot) shaitels, and tichels.
I am proud of the fact I paid for it myself and would feel bad taking from my parents who didn’t have money for anything.
My husband did get new everything but he ended taking his old clothes from his parents house because he liked it better..
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amother
NeonOrange


 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 8:49 pm
Why isn't an adult who is getting married capable of realizing he has holey underwear and socks??? Why is it the mothers issue? If a guy can't buy his own underwear or figure out how to buy his own underwear there are prob other issues too.
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