How to deal with bullying?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:23 pm

My dd7 is adorable ka'h. There is a girl in her class who has been really nasty to her for the past 3 years. She is a twin and has behavioral issues.
We've spoken about ignoring her , standing up for herself and reporting to the teacher. BH my dd has come far and it doesn't affect her so strongly anymore.
I spoke to her teachers and asked that they be on the lookout and also to keep them apart when possible.
Today, my dd came home and said that the bully had stood at the teacher's desk and pretended to take attendance. When she got to dd she said "Shirley Temple [obviously I changed the name) the yuckiest girl in our class"!
I'm heartbroken that my dd was subjected to this.
What can I do about it?

hodeez

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:30 pm

Have you spoken to her parents?

Side note idk how you resist the urge to burn this girls house down

amother

Peony

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:31 pm

At this age the school needs to deal with it. I would be calling a meeting and saying it’s not acceptable for them to allow this to continue.

amother

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:47 pm

hodeez wrote:

Have you spoken to her parents?

Side note idk how you resist the urge to burn this girls house down

My initial reaction was something along those lines. I realized that I'm too emotionally involved. I have been teaching for close to 20 years, and I have a zero tolerance for bullying policy. I've made a parent pick up their child midday. I need all my students to feel safe in my classroom.
I don't feel as though dd's school will do anything about it.
I thought about calling the parents but I'm afraid it will backfire.
Any other options?

amother

Peony

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 7:51 pm

Calling the parents never works. If the school won’t work with you then you need to make them listen. Let them know you aren’t letting this go. You have to stand up for your child. Bring literature, hire an advocate to fight for you.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 8:01 pm

amother Peony wrote:

I disagree with this 1000%. My son was being aggressive with another kid in his class in preschool, and neither the school nor the parents brought this to our attention. We only found out about this when we got a call from the school stating that the parent came in ranting and raving about how horrible my son is, how they are going to be calling CPS on us because obviously we abuse our child which is why he is aggressive at school, and threatened to sue the school for lack of oversight. (As an aside, RH has passed and I do not forgive these horrible people for the h*ll they put me through.) we are now paying over $45,000 this year out of pocket for a shadow for my son (on top of tuition) because the school likely views my son as a liability. I always wonder why the parents didn’t either reach out to me directly and ask for the school to facilitate a meeting. You never know what’s going on behind closed doors. And we were never in denial about the situation. My son had been in behavior therapy for most of his preschool years, and we had started taking him to psychiatrists and psychologists. Anyway - to recap - please go to the parents first. Give them a chance to make it right.

amother

Cantaloupe

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 8:12 pm

Try as suggested above, to speak with the parents or to have the school arrange a meeting. See if the bully can be transferred to another class. Speak to a child therapist for suggestions. If nothing else works, I’d switch her to another school. She shouldn’t have to deal with a bully for 3 years.

amother

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 10:10 pm

Should I call the teachers or go directly to the principal (not a huge fan)?

amother

Ginger

Wed, Sep 28 2022, 11:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Should I call the teachers or go directly to the principal (not a huge fan)?

In general you start w the teacher before going over their head to the principal

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:21 am

I already spoke to the teachers and their response was that it's a new year and we should give her a fresh chance yadda yadda.
This was prior to this incident but she had already called dd ugly and pushed her on the stairs.
I will call the teachers again but I'm honestly not expecting much from them.
It's so frustrating! I feel so helpless!

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:57 am

It's very frustrating but you do need to call the teacher again. Tell her the "fresh start" is hurting your child. If the teacher gives you the run-around again, it's time to call the principal.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this

mother of a child who was bullied (years ago) and BH school handled appropriately
There has to be a zero tolerance for bullying in schools!

amother

Peony

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:04 am

amother OP wrote:

Physical abuse is not acceptable ever. They ignored her pushing her? And the stairs are dangerous! What was her punishment? This is horrible, you need to stand up to them.

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:05 am

amother Peony wrote:

Physical abuse is not acceptable ever. They ignored her pushing her? And the stairs are dangerous! What was her punishment? This is horrible, you need to stand up to them.

THIS

amother

Peony

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:06 am

amother Sapphire wrote:

What would it have helped to call you? Sounds like your kid is finally get the help he needs and only because the school got involved.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:29 am

amother Peony wrote:

What would it have helped to call you? Sounds like your kid is finally get the help he needs and only because the school got involved.

Did you read what I wrote, or extrapolate? I clearly wrote that we were not in denial about the situation, and that he had been in behavior therapy for most of preschool, for years prior to this experience, since he was 3 1/2 years old when we recognized a problem. Then these parents came in raging at the end of the year screaming at the school that my son is attacking their son (when the school was able to see on video camera that he had nothing to do with this.) they made a huge scene to the administration about how we as parents are abusive to our child. The school offered to switch the boy to another class and the parents refused. All they wanted was to have my son kicked out of school (he was five fyi.) we did not at all have our heads in the sand and would have gladly welcomed a conversation with the parent, try to arrange a play date, and work on having a targeted approach with our child in relation to this other kid. The way it was handled by those parents was absolutely horrific. And everyone is so quick to blame the mom of the bully (someone upthread said the kids house should be burned down, and someone else agreed.) yes it’s horrible. And sad. And heartbreaking. When your kid is bullied. I know. My other kids were bullied. But you know what else is sad? When your kid is the bully. And you are doing everything in your power to try to fix it. And you live a lonely existence because people want to burn your house down, and you are all alone because no one wants to spend time with you and your family.. And people judge you. And you are doing the best you can but it’s never enough.

amother

Maroon

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:29 am

The two times I've called a parent because of some child's inappropriate actions towards my children it's been a terrific failure. Laughable really. These were about 20 years apart. Once with my oldest and once with my youngest.
When I've stated the reason for my call, each parent called over their child, I could hear them in the background, and asked their child, Mrs. X is calling to say that Child Y said you broke their toy, hit them whatever. I hear the child say It didn't happen and the parent says, My Little Cutie says it didn't happen. Bye now.
The question never was did it happen. I would never have called if I couldn't confirm that it actually happened. Either the teacher told me about it to begin with or several of my child's friends came running to tell me. And the object is destroyed totally beyond recognition.
Like I said, laughable.

Chayalle

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:37 am

It's a shame that there's such negativity to the parents of the bully. I actually had a situation where a child was bullying my child on the school bus, and in that situation I called the parent (because I had a feeling there was a responsible parent there). The parent was very appropriate in her response and in how she dealt with her child, and the advice she gave me regarding mine.

But yeah, unfortunately there are out-to-lunch parents out there, and it gives everyone a bad name. I remember the time a neighborhood boy was throwing snowballs at passing cars, and my mother's car dangerously skidded when her vision was suddenly blocked. My mother told the mother about it, and she asked her child, in this sugary voice "it wasn't you, tzaddik, was it?" and he lied straight out and said no, whereupon she told my mother "it must have been somebody else."
Way to be mechanech your child. It's sad that there are some who just.don't.care.

Saphire, I'm really sorry for what you have been thru.

I do think it's usually better to go to the school, but one does not have to behave the way those parents did in Saphire's case. Just a firm, respectful "this HAS to be dealt with" approach, for starters.

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