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Buying a new sheitel without husband knowing
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:30 am
Is it halachically allowed to buy a new sheitel without your husband knowing if he supports you financially?
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amother




Razzmatazz
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:33 am
Why would you do that?
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amother




Peach
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:35 am
If he doesn’t care that you really need one and he doesn’t understand his obligations to support you, then yes buy one and enjoy.
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amother




Bluebonnet
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:35 am
Technically all the money is his. Even if you are earning it.
But do you run every purchase by him?
Even if the money is his, he promised in the Kesuba to support you.
You shouldn’t need to feel like a thief when you buy something.
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womanwithaplan




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:39 am
amother Bluebonnet wrote:
Technically all the money is his. Even if you are earning it.
But do you run every purchase by him?
Even if the money is his, he promised in the Kesuba to support you.
You shouldn’t need to feel like a thief when you buy something.


Well.... a wig is usually a big purchase. Doesn't seem like a good way to build trust in a relationship by making a significant purchase without informing your partner. (Speaking for women as well as men.)
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amother




Plum
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:40 am
My husband refuses to use our family budget for a new sheitel if I need one. I have to use money I've saved from birthdays and Chanukah that relatives have given me. So, I feel no need to tell him when I purchase a new one.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:41 am
He doesn’t understand why I need a new sheitel and I feel like it’s better he doesn’t know a lot it so he won’t get upset. What he won’t know won’t upset him.
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amother




Zinnia
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 12:48 am
amother OP wrote:
He doesn’t understand why I need a new sheitel and I feel like it’s better he doesn’t know a lot it so he won’t get upset. What he won’t know won’t upset him.


He won't notice 3k missing from the account?!
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:02 am
amother Zinnia wrote:
He won't notice 3k missing from the account?!


No because I save up every month from the money he gives me from other things
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amother




Bluebonnet
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:18 am
amother OP wrote:
No because I save up every month from the money he gives me from other things


So it’s your money officially.
What’s the question then?

And why does he need to know how much it cost?
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amother




Lilac
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 1:19 am
I'm more confused I don't understand how you would buy a purchase that's on your head every day and he wouldn't notice. I don't work and don't run on most purchases by my husband but a purchase that's going to cost us over $1,000 I definitely run by him. We are equal partners even though I don't bring in the income and he wouldn't spend $1,000 on a purchase without running it by me either. It goes both ways and there is a lot of respect in the relationship.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:22 pm
amother Bluebonnet wrote:
So it’s your money officially.
What’s the question then?

And why does he need to know how much it cost?


Because if he would know he definitely won’t approve. And my husband can’t tell the difference between my sheitels.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:23 pm
amother OP wrote:
Is it halachically allowed to buy a new sheitel without your husband knowing if he supports you financially?


I’d say if that’s what someone is contemplating doing, their problems are way bigger than the sheitel issue.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:24 pm
amother Plum wrote:
My husband refuses to use our family budget for a new sheitel if I need one. I have to use money I've saved from birthdays and Chanukah that relatives have given me. So, I feel no need to tell him when I purchase a new one.


I can’t understand someone being ok with a marriage like that.
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amother




Alyssum
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:29 pm
amother Plum wrote:
My husband refuses to use our family budget for a new sheitel if I need one. I have to use money I've saved from birthdays and Chanukah that relatives have given me. So, I feel no need to tell him when I purchase a new one.


Wow. Do you not let him buy a lulav or esrog or anything mitzvah related? In my mind a wig isn't a gift....I'm obligated to wear one and yes I need to look decent and it will cost money. It's an expense like any other mitzvah expense...that behavior is not ok. I'm sorry op that you need to deal with it.
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amother




Petunia
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:36 pm
I think the answer should just be to put yourself in his position, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? Imagine finding out that your husband spent thousands of dollars on something for himself, maybe weeks or months before you realized, and never discussed it first or even told you because he knew you wouldn’t approve. I’m sure you would be really upset and hurt, and feel a lack of trust/respect

I recently bought a new sheitel, the one I was wearing was 6 years old, falling apart and really not usable anymore for me. I spoke to my husband about buying a new one and he expressed how he didn’t approve. Ultimately I decided it was really a necessity for me and bought it. I told him first and it came from my own account. He acknowledged that I was entitled to purchase it, I work hard for my money and actually am the breadwinner. He wished I didn’t have to spend so much and would save instead but he understood and we’ve moved on. There was no lack of trust or respect and it’s not a splurge I do normally, another reason I decided to go through with it. I can’t imagine having done it behind his back, especially if it was his money
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amother




Hosta
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:43 pm
amother OP wrote:
No because I save up every month from the money he gives me from other things


Then it’s yours to spend as you please and you don’t need his permission. You can 100% go and buy it.
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amother




Mayflower
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:44 pm
amother OP wrote:
Is it halachically allowed to buy a new sheitel without your husband knowing if he supports you financially?

Please ask a rav
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amother




Orange
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:49 pm
I’m sure you know this but your problems are bigger than a shaitel
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amother




Tanzanite
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:50 pm
amother Petunia wrote:
I think the answer should just be to put yourself in his position, how would you feel if the situation were reversed? Imagine finding out that your husband spent thousands of dollars on something for himself, maybe weeks or months before you realized, and never discussed it first or even told you because he knew you wouldn’t approve. I’m sure you would be really upset and hurt, and feel a lack of trust/respect

I recently bought a new sheitel, the one I was wearing was 6 years old, falling apart and really not usable anymore for me. I spoke to my husband about buying a new one and he expressed how he didn’t approve. Ultimately I decided it was really a necessity for me and bought it. I told him first and it came from my own account. He acknowledged that I was entitled to purchase it, I work hard for my money and actually am the breadwinner. He wished I didn’t have to spend so much and would save instead but he understood and we’ve moved on. There was no lack of trust or respect and it’s not a splurge I do normally, another reason I decided to go through with it. I can’t imagine having done it behind his back, especially if it was his money


What about the lack of respect from her husband to op? If a woman tells her husband that she desperately needs a new sheitel, and this is not something she does all the time, and he says, sorry, I'm not ok with you wasting money on yourself, that's him not respecting her. If he was a respectful, caring husband, she wouldn't have to do this behind his back. He should be happy to buy her a sheitel if she really needs one.
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