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Buying a new sheitel without husband knowing
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amother




Alyssum
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 9:54 pm
amother Tanzanite wrote:
What about the lack of respect from her husband to op? If a woman tells her husband that she desperately needs a new sheitel, and this is not something she does all the time, and he says, sorry, I'm not ok with you wasting money on yourself, that's him not respecting her. If he was a respectful, caring husband, she wouldn't have to do this behind his back. He should be happy to buy her a sheitel if she really needs one.


This exactly. Yes wigs are super expensive. But a woman needs to feel pretty. It stinks that it's expensive but that's reality. A caring husband would want his wife to feel pretty and taken care of. Within reason of course...no need for a 5k wig.
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amother




Petunia
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:49 pm
amother Tanzanite wrote:
What about the lack of respect from her husband to op? If a woman tells her husband that she desperately needs a new sheitel, and this is not something she does all the time, and he says, sorry, I'm not ok with you wasting money on yourself, that's him not respecting her. If he was a respectful, caring husband, she wouldn't have to do this behind his back. He should be happy to buy her a sheitel if she really needs one.


We have no idea if OP actually needs a new one or what her reasoning is, she hasn’t said why. She just said he doesn’t understand why and she wants to go behind his back to do it. And even if he is lacking respect for her need, the solution is not to lie and steal and do things behind his back. Marriage is not supposed to be tit for tat.

I think OP should have a proper discussion and try to give over why she needs a new sheitel. Maybe she can come up with a compromise to make everyone happy, like buying a used wig for significantly less money. It’s not hard to find like-new wigs that are gorgeous and half the price of new ones.

I don’t know enough about the wig situation or OPs financial situation to know who is right or wrong. I do know that going behind a spouses back is absolutely not a good idea and is not respectful whatsoever. I also don’t know if there are any halachic issues since it is his money and he is not ok with it being spent that way
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Librarian




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:58 pm
amother Orange wrote:
I’m sure you know this but your problems are bigger than a shaitel


Oh please. This kind of thing has been going on since time immemorial. The what he doesnt know wont hurt him marriage works for lots of us. So glad for those who do not have to resort to this tactic but that does not mean that those of us who do have a bad marriage. Different than yours, but not bad.
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amother




Ghostwhite
 

Post Fri, Sep 30 2022, 12:30 am
Husband should realise she is only covering her hair because....she is married to him.

Just sayin'.
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amother




Bluebonnet
 

Post Fri, Sep 30 2022, 12:36 am
amother Petunia wrote:
We have no idea if OP actually needs a new one or what her reasoning is, she hasn’t said why. She just said he doesn’t understand why and she wants to go behind his back to do it. And even if he is lacking respect for her need, the solution is not to lie and steal and do things behind his back. Marriage is not supposed to be tit for tat.

I think OP should have a proper discussion and try to give over why she needs a new sheitel. Maybe she can come up with a compromise to make everyone happy, like buying a used wig for significantly less money. It’s not hard to find like-new wigs that are gorgeous and half the price of new ones.

I don’t know enough about the wig situation or OPs financial situation to know who is right or wrong. I do know that going behind a spouses back is absolutely not a good idea and is not respectful whatsoever. I also don’t know if there are any halachic issues since it is his money and he is not ok with it being spent that way


It’s not rocket science that women need new wigs every once in a while.
This is her money.
She can do whatever she wants with it. She can take a vacation. She can fly to the moon. She can buy her 7th wig.
He has no say what she wants to do with her own saved up gifted money.

There’s nothing to explain.
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amother




NeonPurple
 

Post Fri, Sep 30 2022, 12:55 am
I so rarely buy anything significant for myself that DH is thrilled when I do and he trusts me not to spend out of our budget. That said, I definitely would discuss a major purchase like a sheitel. The last one I got was to replace my everyday one that had a "bar mitzvah" and was really in terrible shape. My parents offered to pay half as a birthday present and that was the impetus to finally go and buy a new one.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Fri, Sep 30 2022, 1:58 am
Librarian wrote:
Oh please. This kind of thing has been going on since time immemorial. The what he doesnt know wont hurt him marriage works for lots of us. So glad for those who do not have to resort to this tactic but that does not mean that those of us who do have a bad marriage. Different than yours, but not bad.


Definitely lacking in trust, honesty from the one who secretly makes the purchases, and lacking in caring, giving, understanding from the husband.
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Raisin




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 30 2022, 3:43 am
I didn't realise that some couples still operate with the husband giving the wife money to spend.

We have a joint account and would discuss all big purchases. But my husband would trust my judgement if I said I need a new shaitel.

This may not be the case in your marriage OP, but look up financial abuse.

Its worrying that you are scared of his reaction if he finds out you spent money on a sheital.
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amother




Carnation
 

Post Fri, Sep 30 2022, 5:26 am
amother OP wrote:
Is it halachically allowed to buy a new sheitel without your husband knowing if he supports you financially?


If I were you I would tell dh that I really want a new wig (obviously if it is a reasonable request and not like you get a new one very often etc. and you know you can afford it now...) and explain that you understand he might not understand that it is important to you, but you hope he can realize that you feel is important and value that. tell him, that you do not want to do it behind your back and can he please give you his $ and blessing.. etc... give him the opportunity to tune in to your needs and wants and to be able to give!
good luck!
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Mayflower




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 30 2022, 5:55 am
If you saved up money every month, I would say it's your money to spend. I would still tell him about the purchase, but I wouldn't disclose the price.
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miami85




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 1:21 pm
amother OP wrote:
He doesn’t understand why I need a new sheitel and I feel like it’s better he doesn’t know a lot it so he won’t get upset. What he won’t know won’t upset him.


I'm in the same boat. But then I feel "really good" in a new sheitel and I want to show him how good I look and he will notice...Last time I got a bonus from work so I used that. Now we live out of town so not so easy to just "get a new wig"
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amother




DarkViolet
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:07 pm
OP, my heart breaks for you...

your husband gave a kesuba where he is supposed to feed you, clothe you and honor you.....
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amother




DarkViolet
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:09 pm
amother Lilac wrote:
I'm more confused I don't understand how you would buy a purchase that's on your head every day and he wouldn't notice. I don't work and don't run on most purchases by my husband but a purchase that's going to cost us over $1,000 I definitely run by him. We are equal partners even though I don't bring in the income and he wouldn't spend $1,000 on a purchase without running it by me either. It goes both ways and there is a lot of respect in the relationship.


you are very fortunate you dont understand.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:19 pm
amother OP wrote:
Because if he would know he definitely won’t approve. And my husband can’t tell the difference between my sheitels.


In a healthy marriage, big purchases should be discussed in advance.

BUT in your case where DH would get upset, it is better to buy without telling DH.

You are entitled by Kesuba to normal price sheitel.
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amother




Daffodil
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:41 pm
amother OP wrote:
No because I save up every month from the money he gives me from other things
As long as you aren’t taking the money from a joint account you are fine. Buy it and wear it in good health.
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asmileaday




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:48 pm
I think the biggest question here is can you really afford it?
It seems like you can because you say you put money away every month. Is that money he knows about? Or once he gives you the money it's already spent in his mind?
Do you badly need that money for essentials? Will your husband struggle to pay the mortgage next month because he needs to give you more monthly money but doesn't have enough?
If you are sure that your financials are stable and ok and this is truly extra money I feel it's ok to purchase a new wig. Even though going behind his back is not very healthy but sometimes you operate on whatever works and not what's ideal.

(My projection though, from couples I know in real life, is that they really can't afford it but the wife is oblivious to the finances of the family and spends anyway.
Op, this is probably not the case with you and I realize I think this way only because of people I know.)
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:50 pm
amother Daffodil wrote:
As long as you aren’t taking the money from a joint account you are fine. Buy it and wear it in good health.


She is fine even if she takes it from a joint account. If the DH can take money from a joint account without asking so can the DW. DHs are not masters, they are married & wives are equal partners. Both spouses should have equal access to the household money.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 2:59 pm
Op when you say you NEED a new shaitel what does that mean?
How much do you intend to spend on it?
I think context counts
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post Sun, Oct 02 2022, 3:09 pm
amother Dodgerblue wrote:
Op when you say you NEED a new shaitel what does that mean?
How much do you intend to spend on it?
I think context counts


Context doesn't really matter in this situation. She saved up her own money for it, so everything else is inconsequential. If OP feels she needs a new one, then it's exactly so. If she has the money saved up for it as well, she can spend whatever amount she pleases.
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