Teen Dd's hair is paralyzing her

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:24 am

She's a new high schooler. If her hair isn't perfect without a hint of frizz or a single bump, she won't go. She insists on me doing it for her every morning with whatever products necessary, because going with any frizz or bumps is "not normal." When I can't do it, or have tried a few times and not succeeded to her standards, she breaks down in tears.

I know there is so much anxiety with a new high school. I know she's letting it out at home so she can function with a smile at school. I know there are things that can be helped at school and things that can't. And that most of the things that can be helped will take time that she has no patience for.

How to help a teen girl who doesn't want the stress of social pressures of high school but doesn't have the ability or even desire to tune it out either? I don't want a lament on how horrible it is- we all know that. Realistically, other than listening a lot, what to do? Because listening isn't helping. She doesn't want to just talk- she wants me to solve the problems, and to be able to constantly tall about them. And if she agrees to actually go, she freaks about the hair. It causes so much stress in the morning when she's trying to get going.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:27 am

Get her a hair straightening.
Teens do all kinds of things to fit in.
I used to wake up 5 am in high school to do my curly hair.

Just put your foot down about doing it for her.
That’s completely enabling and a bit immature for her age.

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:35 am

amother Carnation wrote:

What would you do if she literally wouldn't walk out the door unless you did it?

I have offered a straightening- she doesn't want. It's not really curly, just wavy with a tendency to frizz. She has products, but it still gets away from her. She's not great at making neat pony tails, but has to wear them for school. I get where this is coming from- just not sure how to help.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:37 am

amother OP wrote:

She’s in high school. She’ll be late and miss class. Get detention.
She’ll learn on her own that there are consequences for her actions.

amother

Brown

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:40 am

It's still the beginning of the year. I'd swallow it until after sukkos and then work on solutions that may include taking responsibility for being late. This is a new phase for her, she's adjusting, give her some space and extra love. If this is the extra love she needs right now, then give it and when routine settles after sukkos, you'll work through it.

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:45 am

amother Carnation wrote:

She’s in high school. She’ll be late and miss class. Get detention.
She’ll learn on her own that there are consequences for her actions.

I hear. Realistically, she'll miss the whole day (no way to get there once she's missed the bus) and then fall apart over all the work she missed, and not make any if it up because what's the point since she can't go the next day either because her hair is horrible. But I guess that's just what will happen.

Any good advice to tame basic frizz and bumps in pony tails for wavy hair? Specifically that don't take too much time, and for a girl who is sensory (she hates feeling anything gooky) and finds making a neat ponytail physically difficult.

SG18

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 5:52 am

Definitely don't do it for her. She can iron it the night before if she doesn't want to do it in the morning. She needs to learn about natural consequences and how to manage her time/energy for things that are important to her.

amother

Pear

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:02 am

I don't really know what to advise regarding helping your daughter develop better coping skills, because her reaction does seem to be a little extreme. ( Mother of several daughters here who have all dealt with the pressures of high school), but if you are looking for a quick fix, have you considered a keratin treatment ( temporary)or Japanese straightening?(permanent)

amother

Carnation

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Straightenings will tame the frizz as well.
I preferred braiding my hair when I didn’t iron it.
When it’s casual like that it didn’t matter if there were some bumps and flyaways.

Chickensoupprof

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:23 am

It reminds me of this girl in class who had always an etui with make-up and a file for her nails. She opened it often during class and did always a bit of make-up or something with her nails and the teachers were at a loss. She refused to give this up because 'otherwise I will look ridiculous. I was not so much better I put on make-up always before school but it looked a bit ridiculous. Anyhoo, I think just explain to her that ok she is stressing about a new school and everything but she can't expect you to always do her hair, it is or that she goes to school without the hair products OR she will learn herself, she has a few erev shabbosim and erev yamim tovim for this. And ask her 'do you notice EVERY single girl in your school or class? Do you remember how someone looked like a day ago, or a week ago?' the answer is no and this is how people also look at her...

amother

Aster

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:28 am

Oy, I used to spend an hour in the morning doing my hair in high school, I can still feel the frustration!
But, my mother put it on me. It was my responsibility to get to school on time and to make it to school if I missed the bus. OP, as long as you're enabling her, she'll continue this behavior. She's a teen, it's her responsibility, she'll need to suffer the consequences.
I found that applying leave in conditioner every day, helps with frizz. I've even mixed conditioner with water and put it in a spray bottle and my girls use it for their hair every day.
Good luck!

watergirl

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:49 am

This is exactly the kind of space a coach is needed (coming from me, the anti-coach person).

OP, see if there is a young women in your area who you can hire to sit with your daughter and teach her to do it herself. Make it a fun thing, see if her friends want to join in. Then this is on her. She can refuse, that's fine, she will miss school and there will be natural consequences. You can give her the tools here to be self-sufficient.

If she is falling apart and literally refusing to move forward, it could be anxiety starting to come forward.

amother

Melon

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 6:51 am

Buy her finishing cream on amazon. Tames frizz and takes two seconds to put on.

Hair Finishing Stick, Small Broken Hair Finishing Cream Refreshing Not Greasy Feel Shaping Gel Cream Hair Wax Stick Fixing Bangs Stereotypes Cream (Pack of 2) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B3.....ss_tl