Should kids be expected to apologize to parents

amother

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:43 pm

?

If a child is rude, disrespectful or downright nasty to a parent, should he be expected to apologize?

(No, I'm not talking about a child who's frustrated with rigid or abusive parents, just a child who takes his bad mood out on normal loving parents who try to listen and be there for him.)

Dh and I agree that if he's nasty like this to a sibling he definitely should be expected to apologize, both for the sake of the hurt sibling and to help him recognize what he did wrong and that he needs to try to 'fix' it.

One of us feels that it's even more important to encourage him to apologize to a parent while the other feels that it's too much to expect and would simply cause him to get angry at or create distance from the parent.

Assuming the parents model this behavior and apologize to him when they need to, is this reasonable or helpful to expect from kids?

Will this just breed resentment or help him?

Any sources would be appreciated.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:47 pm

No!

Adults don’t need apologies from kids. (Teachers included!)

Child should recognize what he said was not ok. But mommy or daddy (or your teacher) loves you regardless and doesn’t need to forgive you.

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:49 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

I disagree. It’s not about the need for the apology, it’s the fact that no one should be rude or disrespectful to ANYONE, ever.

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:54 pm

Yes
It’s not because I need their apology and it has nothing to do with forgiveness.
In my house when anyone is rude or mean or hurts someone they should apologize. Ideally. Ofcourse in real life it’s not always carried out in the moment but I aim for that.

shanie5

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:55 pm

Yes, a child needs to learn to apologize to anyone they hurt. Parent and teacher included. How else are we supposed to teach them proper behavior? And if you don't start when they are young, how will they learn as they get older?

Do you not apologize to your parent if you hurt them in some way?

happy chick

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:56 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

I disagree. It’s not about the need for the apology, it’s the fact that no one should be rude or disrespectful to ANYONE, ever.

This. Apologizing has nothing to do with the person getting the apology. Apology is due to anyone who has been wronged. Irrelevant if it's POTUS, parent, sibling, friend, or janitor. It's just the proper thing to do.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:56 pm

LK1 wrote:

How will they ever learn to apologize if not? They shouldn't have to do it often, but once in a while

Kids don't learn to apologize by being forced into insincere apologies. They learn by authentic modeling. When you screw up, own it.

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 10:58 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Kids don't learn to apologize by being forced into insincere apologies. They learn by authentic modeling. When you screw up, own it.

True, but if they are not taught that it’s something they should do, they won’t do it just because it’s modeled.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:00 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

True, but if they are not taught that it’s something they should do, they won’t do it just because it’s modeled.

That's false.

A lot of kids with great manners only have them because they were modeled. People have this weird belief that you have to make your kid say please and thank you and sorry. You really don't, and you'll get a lot of insincerity out it. When they get older, yes, they'll do it both because they're used to it and because they get it. But you don't have to do any of that in the first place. Just model the manners and empathy, and trust. They'll get there. Maybe not at an early age and maybe not consistently at first but should that really bother us?

Kids do what they see, not what they're told they 'should' do. I think we all know about "Do as I say, not as I do" and how that's totally not a thing.

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:05 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

You don’t need to force them, but you need to teach them, verbally, not just by modeling, that this is what we do. You need to tell them “this is what we do.” I don’t think saying “what do you say” causes insincerity, unless it’s said in a nasty way. The same with apologizing. “That really hurt my feelings, hopefully you can apologize when you have calmed down.” Obviously there’s a difference between teaching and ramming it down their throats/forcing. I don’t think verbal reminders are necessarily the same as forcing.

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:05 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

Honestly?
There’s this belief in gentle parenting that you have to take all sorts of cr*p from your kids and smile and empathize and hold space while they curse you out. I tried it, I really did. After a while it began to feel like an abusive relationship. And I realized that my gut was telling me I shouldn’t be allowing my kids to treat me in a way I wouldn’t let anyone else treat me. So I spoke up, firmly but not in a mean way, just set a boundary. Part of that was that they should apologize if they blow up at me.

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:05 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I agree.

And to those who say kid should apologize because he was hurtful. Kids usually aren’t hurtful, they are hurting. They lash out due to an inability to maturely regulate their emotions. The correct way is to address the cause and point out to the child how to properly make their point.

Forcing an apology is demeaning, insincere and causes silent resentment. It’s very old school to me.

(Kid to kid is different. Adults aren’t ‘hurt’ by child’s outburst.)

BrisketBoss

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:08 pm

In a way, we should have high expectations of our children. But the expectations are more of a general "I have confidence that you are a competent person who is doing the best you can." It's not "You have to do this or else it's terrible and I have to find a way to make you do it."

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:08 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Hydrangea

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:08 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

It’s a form of embarrassing a child. Any way you phrase it. You further embarrass the child for something he did that is already embarrassing to him.

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:09 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

Really? Adults aren’t hurt by a child’s outburst? So if I’m hurting or having a bad day and I lash out, I don’t need to apologize? I disagree with both statements. We ALL need to treat each other with respect, whether it’s kid/or adult/kid or adult/adult. Again, there’s a difference between verbal cues and forcing. I see nothing wrong with verbal cues, but I think forcing an apology is wrong.

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:09 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

I don’t force an apology. I ask for one. One human being to another. I’m not some magical mystical being who doesn’t get hurt by anything nor do I want my kids to think I am.

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:10 pm

amother Hydrangea wrote:

It’s a form of embarrassing a child. Any way you phrase it. You further embarrass the child for something he did that is already embarrassing to him.

No, asking a child, respectfully, to take ownership of the pain they caused is not embarrassing.

BrisketBoss

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:10 pm

"What do you say" also seems condescending to me. There is no way I would ever say that to a peer.

(Yes, there are things I say to children and not adults because they are children and have different capacities, but if we're imagining an adult with certain disabilities....)

Ema of 5

Thu, Sep 29 2022, 11:12 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I was specifically talking about teaching KIDS to say please and thank you. Of course I would never say it to an adult. But I will say it to my 2 or 3 or even 6 year old. Nothing wrong with that.