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Forum -> Parenting our children
Child taking things and making demands to give back



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 9:28 am
My 6 year old took the plug for the bathtub because he wanted to go somewhere and I said no.
What would you do?
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amother
Moccasin


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 9:29 am
Shove a washcloth down the drain to plug and ignore him till he realizes he can’t extort his family
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 9:30 am
That's blackmailing. Not acceptable.
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amother
Birch


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 9:47 am
I would tell him no problem he can sit in his room and do nothing until he returns it.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 11:43 am
amother Moccasin wrote:
Shove a washcloth down the drain to plug and ignore him till he realizes he can’t extort his family


Sort of this but also be empathetic. Sounds like the kid is having a hard time and wants to be heard. Obviously don't give into the blackmail though, nor continue the game by yelling, begging, threatening or bribing.
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giftedmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 11:45 am
Are you teaching him blackmail by taking his things when he doesn’t listen? If yes, maybe stop. Otherwise, he’s six, where could he have hidden it already. Think like a six year old and find it. Don’t make a big drama out of it.
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amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 11:47 am
amother OP wrote:
My 6 year old took the plug for the bathtub because he wanted to go somewhere and I said no.
What would you do?

That's fine, he can stay in the corner or in his room (whichever you choose) until he gives it back.
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paperflowers




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 12:04 pm
Validate that he really, really wants to go there, he’s feeling angry that he can’t, and you wish you could bring him there. But don’t give in and also he needs to give the plug back before he can do anything else
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amother
Lime


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 12:13 pm
Tell him
When something is really important to you and you want to give me the message that it’s so important to you that perhaps I should reconsider my decision, then the way to let me know is to tell me that it’s important to you. And I will reconsider if it’s possible. Taking the bath plug isn’t the right way to give me that message and it will make me upset and less likely to reconsider.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 12:16 pm
amother OP wrote:
My 6 year old took the plug for the bathtub because he wanted to go somewhere and I said no.
What would you do?
The kid is 6. No way do they get to rule the nest. You have to lay doen the law.
You can explain why you are not going to x but do not allow the kid to take things and make demands. Stop this before it becomes something.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 5:43 pm
Of course he knows it's wrong. He put it in his pocket. I'm not interested in tackling him and getting kicked along the way to get it back. I tried ignoring but then he escalated his attention seeking behaviors with shouting in my ear, then pulling my clothes, then pulling me, etc. He wouldnt listen to "sit in your room or in the living room until you give it back". Just wondering what I should have done next. Going on the trip was not an option and also sends the wrong message, that inappropriate behavior gets rewarded with concessions.

Please be gentle with your responses. I'm trying to be the best mother I can be but this is very challenging.
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amother
NeonPink


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 5:56 pm
amother OP wrote:
Of course he knows it's wrong. He put it in his pocket. I'm not interested in tackling him and getting kicked along the way to get it back. I tried ignoring but then he escalated his attention seeking behaviors with shouting in my ear, then pulling my clothes, then pulling me, etc. He wouldnt listen to "sit in your room or in the living room until you give it back". Just wondering what I should have done next. Going on the trip was not an option and also sends the wrong message, that inappropriate behavior gets rewarded with concessions.

Please be gentle with your responses. I'm trying to be the best mother I can be but this is very challenging.


As someone who has a child that sounds very similar to yours but is now a teenager, this is what I wish I had done in these situations when she was younger:

Validate his frustration
Tell him that what he's doing isn't ok

That's it. Don't get into a fight with him to get it back. Don't tell him to give it back when you know he won't listen. Don't immediately give another punishment to force it. Figure out a way to manage without it for now.

At a much later time, bring it up again and tell him that it was unacceptable and why. Let him know that if it happens again you will take away a privilege - let him know what, and it should be something completely in your control

Simultaneously do everything you can to give him positive attention when you can catch him doing something right

Hatzlacha! It really is hard, keep davening and Hashem will help!
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 7:14 pm
Validate what he's feeling. Be casual, and speak with the assumption that the plug will show up again. Work on your connection. Listen to him, have special time with him. No need to lecture about how it was wrong--can instinctively feel necessary but you're right. He al. ready. knows.

Attention seeking behaviors mean he wants and needs attention. No, not the trip of course--and it's not even about rewarding behavior you don't like, it's about the trip being unreasonable. It's ok to change your mind sometimes, but only after reminding yourself that it's ok for your son to be upset.
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amother
Snowdrop


 

Post Thu, Oct 06 2022, 8:01 pm
amother Moccasin wrote:
Shove a washcloth down the drain to plug and ignore him till he realizes he can’t extort his family


This
If he’s seeking attention then you don’t give it to him AT ALL, until he acts properly
You just continue what you need to do and if need be leave the area and don’t allow him to be abusive with you or any other member of the family.

But do catch him doing good things

I don’t think you should empathize right there and then
At a later time when things calm down you can sit and talk about it. You can empathize but he also needs to apologize and take responsibility for his actions
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