How would you respond

amother

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 10:10 pm

I started a new nightly routine with my active, sensory 5 yo. Every night I touch each part of his body and say, “good night Berel’s hair, good night betel’s eyebrows, goodnight Berel’s nose,”’etc down till his toes and toenails. We finish off by saying good night to the whole yummy Berel and a hug and kiss. Tonight he wanted me to say good chol hamoed and good night Wink

He enjoys the touch and attention and I enjoy the positive connection. Here’s the thing: every night he asks me to say “good night Berel’s tushie and good night Berel’s peepee [he knows the actual term pen!s but we usually call it a peepee]”. He happens to be sensory and sensual (he tells me I look pretty when I’m dressed up, today he complimented my manicure. He loves touching and being touched.)

So I told him I won’t say that to him because those are private parts of his body just for him, and I’ll only talk to him about those parts if there is a reason, like if he needs help wiping after the bathroom etc.

He still asks me although tonight he just said it himself, and didn’t ask me.

Is there anything else I should say to him when he says it tomorrow (I’m sure he will)? I think this is normal - should I let it resolve on its own or is there anything I should be saying?

amother

Stonewash

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 10:33 pm

I would stop this whole routine. It borders on being obsessive (common with sensory kids), and I would highly discourage this kind of thing.
Can you get him a weighted blanket with a soft cover and just do one deep hug as the routine?
(Weighted blankets should never be more than 10% of body weight, and make sure he can come out from under it.)

amother

Mayflower

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 10:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Before you even finished your first paragraph I was expecting the exact problem that you came up against…
Who told you it’s a good idea to do this whole body parts thing?

amother

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 10:40 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

Before you even finished your first paragraph I was expecting the exact problem that you came up against…
Who told you it’s a good idea to do this whole body parts thing?

A book or article I read.
He doesn’t like the weighted blanket

amother

Daffodil

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 11:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

What makes you think it’s not working? He loves it. He really looks forward and it helps him calm down.

If you have to ask that…

What I mean is that its not working in the sense that it is inappropriate for him. (And in my opinion, in general but that is another topic).

Figure out a new routine NOT explicit to body parts on a daily basis.

Since you asked, Im sorry but this is a no no and a no go.

There are thousands of other routines to “calm” him before sleep.

I know you realize this is inappropriate as you reached out here.

Now you are just retracting in defense.

Its all good. Don't overdo a whole “calling the expert blah, blah, blah”. OMG, he is five.

For goodness sake, just use a different routine for such a sensory and sensitive child and all will be fine.

He will be ok, and if YOU are having trouble with stopping then you need to figure out why. At that point its not about DS anymore…

Best of luck. And much nachas.

amother

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 11:28 pm

amother Chambray wrote:

Can you do the whole thing without touch? That would make it easier. I really like this idea. This is a yoga nidra modified for kids. Going to try it on mine!

Yea I could- but I don’t think that would make him stop mentioning those two body parts. It is like yoga nidra for kids. I do it myself and it’s incredible.

mushkamothers

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 11:36 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

This is a pretty extreme response
The kid is 5
What he asked is relatively normal (maybe he's a bit more immature or touchy than your 5 year old)
What she responded is normal
There's nothing objectively inappropriate happening here

amother

Hosta

Wed, Oct 12 2022, 11:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yea I could- but I don’t think that would make him stop mentioning those two body parts. It is like yoga nidra for kids. I do it myself and it’s incredible.

Instead of saying you're doing his whole body except those 2 parts, why not say you're going to just rub his arms, shoulders and feet?

And he can quietly in his own mind say goodnight to the rest of himself if he wants, or something like that.

Honestly...the whole routine as you're doing it makes me concerned that he might end up with some confusion as to what body parts are and aren't private or appropriate for someone else to touch.

If mommy rubs his upper thighs every night, why would he ever think of upper thighs as private, for example?

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Oct 13 2022, 8:34 am

mushkamothers wrote:

Exactly my point.

He is five. Normal response from a child when he is being touched in such a sensitive way.

So OP sees and hears response.

Res flag.

So you full stop.

Why the questions after that from OP and feel the “need” to continue because he “loves it”?

She has a routine, routine not good for child, stop routine immediately.

No “experts” need be called into this.

My question was about OP’s response (not the child's reaction, which is typical at five esp in a sensory child), but why OP asked again, “why is it not good, he likes it etc”. Even after the child starting saying “good night” to and rubbing his own private body parts.

I think why its not good is obvious-as does she. Which is why she reached out here.

But then to ask why is it not good as it “calms” him. As if there aren't a countless number of alternative “routines”. That struck me as…

Im sure OP understands this and will do what she needs to. I wish her much hatzlacha and nachas. Everything good BE”H.

Thats all.

BatZion

Thu, Oct 13 2022, 8:50 am

Woah, calm down ladies snapping that she needs to stop this instantly, inappropriate, etc.
I've literally just had an older, really experienced mother friend tell me she used to brush her kids- basically the same as what OP does but with a soft brush- also recommended to her for the same kind of sensory issues.
OP, I think it sounds like a wonderful routine that is perfect for your child. I also think it's normal that he asked, and it's great what you answered.
Yes, I'm sure it makes him feel good, and it's what he needs, and yes, it's good to be clear about private areas.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Oct 13 2022, 9:07 am

BatZion wrote:

Sorry but disagree.

Brushing is fine. You can sing a sweet song while doing etc.

Brushing is NOT zoning into each body part and “talking” to and rubbing and making it an intimate focus.

Ive used this method with highly sensory kids and none asked for their privates to be “spoken to” and rubbed during the process.

Brushing is actually a perfect example of what I said above: there are countless other appropriate calming techniques. Brushing is calming but NOT intimate.

And OP’s routine is (IMO).

amother

Papaya

Thu, Oct 13 2022, 9:15 am

If you’re touching every body part aside for his private areas and you’re telling him those parts are only for him, he might end up touching them himself especially since he’s used to being touched all over.
Probably best to just rub his back and say good night.