So exhausted from all this cooking.

amother

Quince

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 12:38 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

How is it pure vacation if we have to prep, serve and clean-up round the clock? Even if you take cooking out of the equation, there's still loads of work for the home, for the kids, and for serving.

So again, you're taking the cooking out of the equation now and just moving it to a few weeks before. Either way these weeks leading from end of summer thru YT are way overwhelming for most of us.

I just with there was ways to really change things up - to stop all this overload. Moving it out doesn't solve much, it just moves the work around. It doesn't lend to easier times.

Prepping the cooked food takes very very little time...serving doesnt bother me at all (family helps to clear between courses, I just bring the food out and that takes a few minutes), and my family does all the cleanup together.
Even with tending to the younger kids BH ive already gone through 3 novels from the library, read a million books to my youngest, played board games etc.

Im not saying this to brag ch"v-im saying it to try to convince more people to cook before yomtov, however hard that is. I really think most of what tips women over the edge on yomtov is spending time cooking. You would be surprised how much time it frees up...yom tov is a chag! V'samachta bichagecha, its important!

dankbar

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:13 am

Even if I tried to change things up, yes everyone is overwhelmed about thinking of cooking and food again? Who is not? This year was very overwhelming for everyone. I didn't cook on Yom tov itself. I did cook before, but 2 yt I travel and need to take everything along.
It's still shabbos yt shabbos all month, so lots of cooking in between. Not everything can be done in advance and frozen.

amother

Cyclamen

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:21 am

amother Quince wrote:

I don't think its solely the cooking that tips women over the edge. It's the semblance of no normalcy for four weeks straight. It's as if your life is suddenly put on hold and your entire day just revolves the extra work that YT creates again and again and again. YT is nice and beautiful when it's a short interlude. But when it's a four week running mode, the continuous work-demands sucks the life and beauty out of it.

It's sad. What should be a beautiful time for us, has turned into a 'lets just get past this time period, so we can resume our lives' mode. I used to think that perhaps it's only a certain stage of women, the ones dealing with young kids and married children who think this way. But I'm hearing this now from all ages of women - from the newlyweds to the elderly. We must be doing something wrong, maybe we've set the standards too high. Maybe we're asking too much from ourselves. I don't know what it is - but this isn't a chag for most of us women.

amother

Oxfordblue

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:29 am

Thank you cyclamen, for posting this. It would be nice to say that YT is beautiful etc etc and we are so grateful for all of our blessings (it IS beautiful and we ARE grateful) but irl so many of us are stretched so thin and not enjoying YT the way we should. Since cooking in advance isn’t a good option for me for various reasons, I’d love to hear from others how they are able to make YT nice for their families while also keeping it nice and happy for themselves.

amother

Cyclamen

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:34 am

dankbar wrote:

Isn't it sad, though, cyclamen? Even if it's true for many women?

We should pride ourselves that we are seizing gems with every thing we do for yt. It is very choshuv by Hashem. We get an extra Gan Eden, as we literally make yt happen.

It's very sad - I did specifically state that in my post. It's very sad, and I wish we can change things up. What we have right now is that the women workloads doubles or even triples during this month of Chagim. How is doubling the workload of any person considered to be a way to celebrate. Imagine we tell the men that we're going to celebrate an occasion by doubling/tripling their workload - would any guy be looking forward to that? Would any guy be receptive to that idea?

I don't know how we can change things up. Cooking in advance is a mere band-aid, and wouldn't work for many. Personally for me, it would take the four week time period and extend it to an 8 week time period of extra pressure and work. Can we simplify our seudahs? Can we split up more work between men and women? Can we lessen some of the stuff we do? I don't know what the answer to this is, but I wish we'd move towards a direction of finding answers.

amother

Currant

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:37 am

amother Cyclamen wrote:

I'm in.

Sewsew_mom

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:52 am

Its Def not easy.. But meals don't need to be super complicated.
Tonight I made 3 meats and defrosted chicken. Made one really easy soup and I have leftover chicken soup from shabbos. I cooked rice in my instant pot before shabbos. Tomorrow I'm making mashed potatoes and roasted potatoes - that's 3 side dishes. Veggies are roasted cauliflower, carrots, broccoli and green beans. And making salad with whatever I have in the fridge. My meals are done. That didn't take long and it's full 4 meals.
I think everyone majorly over cooks.
Just have a main and a veggie and a side dish.
Buy dessert if u need. Bake 1 cake and one batch cookies.
Serve scrambled eggs and yogurt to kids in the morning so they can wait until later lunch to say which gives you time to set up and relax.
Instead of hating it, try new ways so you can appreciate this time off with your family.
Also... Don't host anyone. It's alot easier!

amother

Emerald

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 1:57 am

I agree that it's the schedule that's crazy. Even in addition to cooking Yom Tov, everyone's around for all of chol hamoed, and erevs and isru chags. They need to eat for that too, and it feels like constantly making eggs or cleaning up after cereal. And whether you go big or small on chol hamoed, you have to figure it all out and make it happen. And on Yom tov, there's juggling the kids and their schedules and getting young boys to shul later and maybe having or being guests. And at the end of it all is Simchas Torah, which is craziness whether or not you enjoy it.

I do try to cook ahead. But then guests tell you there's a dietary restriction you didn't know about- and yes, sometimes it's your parents, etc. Or one of your kids stops eating something after first days and is just done, or you fuguew ourlt your kids are eating frwsh salads much better rhan those that sit or cooked vegetables. Or you have yizkor on Shemini Atzeres and figuring out how to best warm the food around making that happen is hard. Or you realize on Rosh Hashanah that something you also made for Shabbos Chol hamoed doesn't do so well on the blech. Life happens.

amother

Wine

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 8:36 am

I think it's good for us to have a place we can vent, since saying it at home is either not understood or tends to spoil the mood for yontiff. You really don't get it until you have been the one making it. All of us are giving our time, our energy, our love, and our dedication to make things special for our families with differing levels of help and appreciation in response. Honestly, I never understood how hard it was until it became my responsibility. My mother would shop for weeks in advance and she was always cooking up until the last minute because she worked (she usually did not cook on yontiff). I once was a guest at a friend's house in another city for Sukkos and watched her step mother, who was a very talented cook, prepare for the days leading up to yontiff. She was incredibly organized and it was an eye opener for me. She worked during the day and each night in the week before she prepared two dishes (soups, poached pears with a sauce, sides) and cooked her proteins erev yontiff. She left a blech on to reheat everything. Granted, her children were grown up and she was a Bubby, but her calm and deliberate preparation have stayed with me and I have tried to follow that model for yontiff prep. Can you prearrange some time with your dh to put your feet up and nap or read? Maybe next Sunday you can sneak off for a little fun on your own? To all my fellow imamothers, I wish you a happy and fulfilling yontiff. I hope your families give you help and appreciate all your efforts.

amother

Cyclamen

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 9:12 am

amother Wine wrote:

Well, that in itself is a problem. If we women celebrate AFTER Yom Tov, rather than in YT - what does it say about YT itself? Do we merely have the same considerations as hired help - as in make everything run smoothly and then when all the festivities are over, go take a day for yourself to recuperate?

When we actually say that out loud - that we're looking forward to take a day after YT, we get berated that we're missing the essence of YT. But yet there are zero consideration in the current YT setup for women to relax and take part in the festivities. That's the problem we women are grappling with.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 9:33 am

amother Wine wrote:

Totally feeling the yontiff burnout and food overload. I was also just thinking how nice it would be if someone else shopped, cooked, set up, decorated, served and cleaned up so I would have a lovely, relaxing yontiff. Sort of like the magic Sukkos fairies. It must be so nice just showing up and having someone do that for you (ahem like a guy). Makes me very appreciative of my mother (z"l) and MIL for the years that they hosted. But I am grateful to HKBH for having a kitchen, a fridge with food, a Sukkah to serve in, and a family to serve.

Why cant family members help? Why must you do it all?

I am beyond grateful for having only one day of sukot in the beginning and one at the end. I remember the 2 day chagim.

Thankfully we had guests for shabbat chol hamord so I made a LOT of food and had enough leftover thst I didnt need to make anything.
We bought challah. That was it.

Not_in_my_town

Sun, Oct 16 2022, 9:54 am

amother Stone wrote:

Um, you are supposed to like it. V’samachta b’chagecha…

So I've actually been thinking about this comment. I think the question is: What is halachic simcha? How does one fulfill that obligation?

In regard to yom tov, men eating meat, women getting new clothes, and children toys is considered having fulfilled the requisite of simcha. On Sukkos, specifically, shaking the lulav is considered simcha. Therefore, despite my personal feelings of boredom, overwhelm, and the combination of being under- and over-stimulated at the same time in just the wrong ways, I believe I've fulfilled the halachic obligations of simcha. And, yes when putting on new clothes and shaking lulav I felt happy.

I think it's unrealistic to expect that the standard of simcha has to be a giddy or upbeat feeling in regard to hard work. That's not normal. Yes, there can be feeling a satisfaction, but there can also be burnout. That's normal.

Do have simcha from the stress I feel? No. But ultimately, I do feel simcha that despite my personal human failings and lack of perfection, I am doing Hashem's will and keeping His yom tov. When you get down to it, that's true simcha. It's acknowledging that my nefesh habahamis pulls me in one way, but I'm stronger than it and I'm doing what Hashem wants, not what I want.

So you can try to put me down. It's okay. I won't accept it. Because I know that I'm engaging in Hashem's avodah and that's very, very good.