Showing a divorce or separation on a shidduch resume

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:27 am

I am modifying a shidduch resume for my daughter for my post seminary daughter.

Unfortunately her older sister is now separated (from a very unhealthy husband.)

So I have a list of all of my children.

The married ones and their spouses and then the single ones with ages and schools.
Also, I have a section with each of my mechutonim and their phone numbers.

1. How do I list the now separated daughter?
2. What do I do about her inlaws - remove them altogether? Leave them but with no number?

amother

Gold

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:31 am

amother OP wrote:

Are they in the process of getting divorced or hope to work it out?

If they are getting divorced:
I would just put her name down, and instead of writing:
Sarah, 23, married to Eli Cohen, Brooklyn, NY
just leave it blank and write
Sarah, 23

And leave mechutanum blank

If possibility of staying together, I would just put it on the resume as if their staying married and update as needed.

It's up to them to do their research and for your daughter to share at the right time when she feels comfortable.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:36 am

I'm thinking, if they are separated but may work things out, maybe leave out those mechatanim from the resume for now (depending on how the relationship is with them right now, you may or may not want people calling them).

(I've seen resumes where not all mechatanim are listed. I never thought into it.)

It could be sticky to call them right now, depending on how things are.

amother

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:37 am

They are definitely getting divorced.

But I wouldn't want her to look like an older single.

I'd put FirstName MarriedLastName, 28.

Is that correct?

amother

Sunflower

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:40 am

Why would you write her married last name?
She will no longer be married to him.
After the divorce comes through you will modify it to:
First name and last name (same as yours)

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:41 am

amother OP wrote:

They are definitely getting divorced.

But I wouldn't want her to look like an older single.

I'd put FirstName MarriedLastName, 28.

Is that correct?

HUGS this is so tough. I think your approach sounds very healthy. No secrets, just this is how it is.

ETA thinking, is she going to keep his last name? That could make a difference.

amother

Dimgray

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:42 am

amother OP wrote:

They are definitely getting divorced.

But I wouldn't want her to look like an older single.

I'd put FirstName MarriedLastName, 28.

Is that correct?

I think the most important thing is not to look like you're hiding something.
People doing research will look into it if they need to.
But what do people on the street think of your daughter - is word that she's divorcing? How does she go by.
It's ok to write her married name if she always went by that and has kids with that name. Just don't list the mechutanim.

amother

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:42 am

Well right now she's separated.

Unfortunately the get is going to take time.

Also, I think I'd rather her show as separated/divorced rather than look like an older single sister.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:42 am

amother Sunflower wrote:

Why would you write her married last name?
She will no longer be married to him.
After the divorce comes through you will modify it to:
First name and last name (same as yours)

I have a SIL who is divorced. She still uses his last name. She had 3 kids with him, and used that last name for close to 10 years. She didn't "change back".

amother

Dimgray

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:44 am

amother OP wrote:

Well right now she's separated.

Unfortunately the get is going to take time.

Also, I think I'd rather her show as separated/divorced rather than look like an older single sister.

So write her married name
No mechutanim or info on the husband

BTW- if u don't write a married name it's confusing. People who don't know you will be asking about Sarah age 28, the references will say no she has kids - oh maybe she's divorcing - it sounds less clear. And more like you're hiding something. Or vice versa, they know everyone is married, so why is this one not listed, who are the ex mechutanim, what are you hiding

My sister is divorced, she kept his last name bc of the kids, her ex and his parents were very spiteful and withheld the get so there's no way they would have been listed as references but she does go by the last name

amother

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 9:46 am

Thank you very much for your help!!

Sometimes it's just hard to figure out small things (especially when emotionally overwhelmed), so thank you so much!!

amother

Antiquewhite

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 11:35 am

It must be really hard.

I hope things go well for both of your daughters, that you should have only Mazel and Bracha. That your older one gets her get easily and have menuchat nefesh, and your younger one should have an easy time finding her Zivug.

(And that you should have an easy time navigating it all and it should be drama free)

amother

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 11:38 am

Thank you!!

amother

Wheat

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 9:48 pm

amother Sunflower wrote:

Why would you write her married last name?
She will no longer be married to him.
After the divorce comes through you will modify it to:
First name and last name (same as yours)

Many divorced women continue using their married names.
Depends how old they are, how long they were married, if they have kids... Each is different.
She should write whatever name she goes by.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Nov 06 2022, 1:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Well right now she's separated.

Unfortunately the get is going to take time.

Also, I think I'd rather her show as separated/divorced rather than look like an older single sister.

Sorry to go off topic, but why? Are older single sisters that much of a blemish? Maybe that’s why there are so many divorces because the younger girls are terrified into becoming “older single” so they downplay mental health issues or other red flags. It seems like the world keeps pushing that narrative. An “older” single truly worse then a divorce?

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Nov 06 2022, 1:35 am

amother Forsythia wrote:

I agree!
Interestingly, I have a friend who served as shidduch reference for a mutual friend not too long ago. The mutual friend had a couple of older single sons, in addition to their daughter (who actually wasn't older, she was in her very early 20s). Anyway, anytime my friend got called as a reference, the caller would always want to know why these sons were still single. They'd say, it's not unusual for a family to have a couple of older unmarried girls, that's very common, but older unmarried sons is so unusual, there must be a story or reason!
I don't think people bat an eyelash now if a resume lists an older unmarried sister. This is very common nowadays and nobody thinks anything is off or strange. (Not to mention, 28 isn't actually that old for a single anymore. I think some people are just not clued in to the reality of the shidduch world, they are still living in the past a bit when it comes to this. A considerable number of girls are getting married in their upper 20s or older these days, it's just not that uncommon anymore.)

amother

Lightblue

Sun, Nov 06 2022, 7:12 am

I know it's the done things but actually I don't understand why siblings are listed on The resume at all. What do they have to do with it?

amother

Nemesia

Sun, Nov 06 2022, 8:39 am

some good suggestions here op
just want to say it is such a challenging situation and good for you op for being so supportive.
My heart really goes out to you and your family
wishing you all brocha v hatzlocha

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