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imasinger
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 Sun, Nov 06 2022, 4:19 am
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OOC, does she cook, and if so, how does she leave things when she's done?
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Not_in_my_town
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Sun, Nov 06 2022, 4:21 am
I was the same way. I always had to move a pile of clothes off my bed before sleeping...
And yet, once I got married, my house was spotless... until the kids came along, and then it was more of a struggle... but it is for most.
Pride in her own home and the desire to impress her husband will do wonders. Dont worry.
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imaima
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Sun, Nov 06 2022, 4:51 am
| amother OP wrote: | so my daughter has her own bedroom
a closet
a six drawer chest
a night table
a desk
AND IT'S A MESS
and it's driving me NUTS
she works 9-5 so when she's home all she does is chill
if you don't care enough about your stuff to take care of it please help me understand my daughter
I don't know why it's so triggering - maybe cuz of my upbringing -
but it's almost like I look at her as 'less than because of the way she keeps [doesnt] her stuff
B'h I dont harrass her!!! However - it really really bothers me
all insight or advice appreciated
I am worried how she'll juggle life when she gets married |
I was like that and my mom was harassing about it
Now our relationship is bad
I still have messes and that’s my life:)
If she is old enough to hold down a job she can figure out her room
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imasinger
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Sun, Nov 06 2022, 5:23 am
Probably best not to completely ignore, since if it's a problem all over the house, she may eventually have issues at work as well.
I'll offer a little more specific than "work on executive functioning".
Help her break it down, and help her think about time.
Don't talk about her room, she'll get upset. But you can talk about public spaces, like the kitchen, and it may begin to carry over.
1. Help her plan. If she's cooking, remind her to factor in clean up time.
2. Use visual reminders. You can post signs --"if you used it, you clean it and put it away". You can help her create and use a list on screen or paper.
3. Praise all success -- "this cake is delicious, and I was so pleased to find the pan put away (even if the mixer and counters were a mess, the time to say something is right before the next baking, not now).
4. Model. Talk about your plans and your day, so she sees how and when you make time to clean up. Show her whatever organizing tools you use.
5. Offer her a time and task limited exchange. "I was thinking I'd clean the dining room today, and work goes so much better with company, if you'd give me 20 minutes of help at any point, I'd set 20 minutes of time to help you get your stuff better cleaned or organized."
Hatzlacha!
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Aylat
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Sun, Nov 06 2022, 6:12 am
OP, sounds like there are 3 issues for you: 1) personally disliking mess and being triggered by it, 2) judging messy people as 'less than' and 3) worrying about your daughter's future.
1) Totally legitimate to have personal preferences. Don't look inside your daughter's room since it bothers you. Politely and nicely set boundaries when her mess spills over to public areas of the house (eg pls can all personal belongings in the lounge be taken upstairs by 9pm, coats and outside paraphernalia be put in designated places as soon as you get home). Make it general house rules rather than singling her out.
2) I was and am a messy person - clothes and papers all over my room as a teen and now. Not a great trait, I know. I do have many strengths though - I'm creative, laid-back and cheerful, empathetic, good at interpersonal relationships, very logical thinker, and so on. I'm sure your daughter has a lot of strengths and aspects to her personality that make her a good friend, valued employee, and overall, a person who has a lot to contribute to the world. We're not 'less than' because our weakness is the opposite of your strength (and is very visible).
3) Don't worry. I function fine at work and as a wife, mother and household manager. Yes, there are aspects that I have to work hard on - the creative and interpersonal aspects of my job come easily to me and I am valued by my employer because of them. I have to work harder on the organisational aspects, and I do get better at that each year. Ditto the creative vs organisational sides of parenting. Over the years I've learned hacks that work for me. I also have learned to look at tidying as a ben adam l'chavero issue - I put in the effort to keep things neat(ish) out of love for my DH (mess drives him crazy) and chesed for my kids to give them a non-chaotic upbringing. Again, everyone has things they're better at and things they work on, and tidyness is mine.
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zaq
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Sun, Nov 06 2022, 6:40 am
| Not_in_my_town wrote: | .
Pride in her own home and the desire to impress her husband will do wonders. . |
Or it won't. Having one's own place, with or without benefit of marriage, does, in some cases, turn an I-don't-care slob into a balabos/teh, but not always. The difference is that when dd moves out, her mess will be her own problem and no longer in her mother's face.
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dankbar
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Sun, Nov 06 2022, 9:21 am
She could have ADD/Adhd
Maybe help her sort thru the mess to Jumpstart her or hire an organizer to start the process.
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