Home

Help me help my teen daughter

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 11:17 am
I'm feeling lost and don't how to approach this. My dd 13, (more like 30;))is very bright, knowledgeable and...She's having a hard time finding a friend in her class. She was in camp 2 summers and absolutely loved it! She made some friends, 1 that she's closer with. She keeps telling me she doesn't click with anyone, She doesnt find her place. They're interested in trends, brand names...and they don't interest her at all and when she tries to join she has nothing to add to the conversation. They recently had an school event she told me she went out to backyard and cried,instead of joining the program. Crying
She's jealous that her friends kind of all have a "pair" and it's unfair that she doesn't click with anyone.(her words).I know she's way more mature than her peers, but she's a teen and needs a friend.
I feel so sad for her, I wish I can help her.
Any advice, suggestions, guidance...?
Back to top

BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 11:23 am
Is there a way she can get together socially with girls who are not in her class, and who are maybe not even the same age?

I had that as a teen too. I couldn't necessarily find anybody interesting in the group I was plopped in. And it sounds like I was less interested than your daughter in trying anyway. For me, they weren't interesting and that was it. It got better when I got older though.
Back to top

amother




Mustard
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 11:27 am
I was like that as a teen. I got together with my camp friends on shabbos and sunday and we spoke a lot over the phone. I did beg to switch to their school which looking back my parents should have let me. Are there other schools in your area? It is possible that this one is not a good fit for her.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 11:57 am
So here is where it gets complicated. We live in an OOT community. There's 1 school basically. So donr really have the option of switching schools. We did consider sending her to a school abt 1 hr drive away, but we thought it would just intensify this feeling of "I dont belong anywhere".
I suggested she tries to mingle with girls a grade up but she claims they all have their groups....
Back to top

Fox




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 2:55 pm
OP, I think you have to walk a very fine line here.

There are definitely situations in which a class just doesn't come together well or actually becomes somewhat toxic. There are also situations where a couple of passive-aggressive bullies make life miserable for everyone. If you haven't already, do a bit of investigation to make sure your daughter's experiences aren't part of a more serious problem within the class.

With that caveat in place, I'd be surprised to find someone whose 13-year-old daughter doesn't feel similarly to your daughter. It's a terribly tough age for girls, and I'm willing to bet that 7/8 of her classmates also claim that they have no friends at school.

Obviously, a lot of empathy is needed, and it can become quite draining on mothers. However, it's also a great opportunity slide in suggestions and reframe the problem so that your daughter gains from the experience.

The closer we get to adulthood, the more we have to work at making friends. Nor is every friend that one-in-a-million soulmate. A few things to consider:

1. To have a friend, you have to be a friend. Perhaps I'm reading too much into it, but it sounds as if your daughter has determined that girls who discuss "brands" and "trends" are somehow inferior or superficial or just hopelessly different from her. So why on earth would they want to befriend her if they get that impression, too? If she feels she has nothing to contribute to their conversations, she can learn a bit about the topics they enjoy -- at least enough to contribute the occasional comment. The ability to make conversation about things that aren't really your cup of tea is an important adult skill.

2. People are attracted to people who are happy and having fun. This is a lesson that almost all 13-year-olds need. No one wants to be friends with a sad sack. Pretend you're having the time of your life, even if you're bored and miserable.

3. "Best friends" at age 13 is a pretty flexible state. There are usually plenty of opportunities to develop friends even if everyone seems to be currently in a group. A single break or summer can change the dynamics. Use those opportunities to get to know girls who were previously in a locked social network.

4. Make friends with the girls who also don't have friends. It's a rare class that has only one "outsider." Your daughter should get in the habit of seeing who else seems excluded and make friends with that person. Not out of pity or shared misery, but because it's like watering the grass -- encouraging it to become greener. When the girls see that your daughter has made a friend, she will seem that much more appealing.

5. Manage expectations. In a couple of decades, your daughter won't remember most of these girls' names. She can still enjoy relatively superficial friendships without insisting that each friend be a life-long bestie. In cleaning out my mother's apartment, I found a box of letters from my youth (people wrote in those days). Numerous letters were dedicated to the doings of people whom I can't remember. Apparently "Leah" was very mean to me in 1973, but I can't even picture her or recall a last name. If fact, some of the people who wrote to me were as lost to the mists of time as the subjects of their letters.

You'll notice that all of these ideas involve action on your daughter's part. This is excellent preparation for adulthood in myriad ways.

Hatzlacha -- empathize and guide, but keep in mind that this is familiar territory to most mothers of teen girls.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 3:05 pm
First, thank you for the reassurance that other mothers and teens deal with this too.
Now regarding what you said, she doesn't look down at them it just doesn't interest her much. She's a learner, a seeker, love to learn, to read and understand thing. (I mean how many teens love to learn, instead of shmoozing;))
Like I said, we live in a small OOT community, so she will remember and like move onto the next stage in life with the same group of kids.
For now, I spoke to her principal, its the only thing I thought I could do. She agrees that there aren't many girls like that and that she's super mature. At the same time, my dd came home all sad and crying again. My heart goes out for her, I just don't know how to help her .
Back to top

amother




Currant
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 3:30 pm
Off topic op I hope you don’t mind. What camp did you send to? Asking cuz we’re oot yeshivish looking for a camp for dd
Back to top

Frumwithallergies




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 3:47 pm
Depends where you hold, but would you be interested in looking at some outside activities for your dd? Getting involved in kiruv, volunteering opportunities, babysitting classes, science classes on Sundays?
Often these classes bring together kids with similar interests, and perhaps you can find a girls-only activity, even start your own. This might foster a sense of belonging for your daughter.
Back to top

dankbar




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 3:58 pm
Get a big sister for her to spend time with.
Back to top

vintagebknyc




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 5:26 pm
amother OP wrote:
First, thank you for the reassurance that other mothers and teens deal with this too.
Now regarding what you said, she doesn't look down at them it just doesn't interest her much. She's a learner, a seeker, love to learn, to read and understand thing. (I mean how many teens love to learn, instead of shmoozing;))
Like I said, we live in a small OOT community, so she will remember and like move onto the next stage in life with the same group of kids.
For now, I spoke to her principal, its the only thing I thought I could do. She agrees that there aren't many girls like that and that she's super mature. At the same time, my dd came home all sad and crying again. My heart goes out for her, I just don't know how to help her .


The other school is an hour away? Would that be a commute--are other girls commuting, is there a carpool--or boarding? Can you give her the opportunity to attend one day as a guest?

Local school was miserable for me, and once I was able to start fresh elsewhere my life opened up and I was so much happier. I know it feels like a schlep, it did for my parents as well. And she might not like the other school, but why not try?
Back to top

amother




Begonia
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 5:48 pm
Had the same with Mybdd at same age. we found a therapist who worked with teens who have social anxiety or social needs ,among other things (autism , ADHD etc) so a very experienced woman.
My dd had 3 or 4 sessions with her and was "good to go". the therapist help her see the roles friends play in her life...manage her expectations of friendships for her age (she was way more mature than her peers at that time), and also helped her learn how to intergrade better (not to have a bestie but to know how to walk into a room of girls etc)
today my ds18 says she still implements some of what she learnt.
was excellent.
maybe see about a specialist to guide her, reassure her, and coach her a bit. it's diff than when mom says or does.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Nov 06 2022, 10:44 pm
amother Begonia wrote:
Had the same with Mybdd at same age. we found a therapist who worked with teens who have social anxiety or social needs ,among other things (autism , ADHD etc) so a very experienced woman.
My dd had 3 or 4 sessions with her and was "good to go". the therapist help her see the roles friends play in her life...manage her expectations of friendships for her age (she was way more mature than her peers at that time), and also helped her learn how to intergrade better (not to have a bestie but to know how to walk into a room of girls etc)
today my ds18 says she still implements some of what she learnt.
was excellent.
maybe see about a specialist to guide her, reassure her, and coach her a bit. it's diff than when mom says or does.

Would you be interested in sharing info. Which therapist did she go to? Not all are made to deal with issues like these.
Back to top

Fox




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 07 2022, 1:06 pm
amother Begonia wrote:

maybe see about a specialist to guide her, reassure her, and coach her a bit. it's diff than when mom says or does.

I think this is excellent advice even if you decide to try another school.

I'm hearing lots of alarms, OP -- it seems like you've adopted your daughter's analysis rather than focusing on ways to help her navigate the situation successfully. I completely disagree that it's so unusual that your daughter likes to learn rather than "shmooze" or that her maturity level is so much greater that it makes friendships impossible. People are not one-dimensional, and friendships are rarely based on being precisely alike in all ways.

If she's 13, I'm assuming that she's in 8th grade. Would it be possible to switch schools for high school? That's a natural break, and perhaps some short-term coaching combined with a switch could offer her a different cohort and more confidence.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Can baby's tooth be damaged?!?! Help!?!?
by amother
3 Today at 10:24 pm View last post
Help! 5 Year old failed hearing test
by amother
17 Today at 10:24 pm View last post
Looking for info on Myopia progression control - please help
by amother
15 Today at 9:43 pm View last post
Youtube videos to help kid relax
by amother
8 Today at 8:24 pm View last post
Alopecia - help me make DD smile!
by amother
24 Today at 2:36 pm View last post