How do I discourage the friendship?

amother

Thu, Nov 10 2022, 5:27 pm

There's a family on my block that my husband and I have our suspicions about. The dynamic is interesting and we have seen a few red flags in a short period of time. They have a daughter the same age as my daughter (10), and they've unfortunately gotten very close. The more I try to discourage my daughter from being friends with her, the stronger her urge is. I try to encourage the girls to play here, but "her house is more fun." I try to persuade her to go to other neighbors to play, but she refuses and says they're mean to her or some other excuse. I cannot stand this girl's middos, or her bizarre family, and my husband and I don't know what to do about it. Does anyone have any advice?

Not_in_my_town

Thu, Nov 10 2022, 7:17 pm

Move.

Or set strict boundaries.

There is a family that is also questionable where I live; the mother was part of Lev Tahor a few months ago until she backed out, and the father sits out in the backyard shmoozing with all the little boys... very creepy. Kids walk around neglected, dirty with holes in clothes.

I had an open conversation with my children and told them to always treat the children nicely, but under no circumstances are they are to go into their yard or house. If they want to speak with the children, it has to be outside on the sidewalk. And when they asked why, I explained to the older ones that there are things that make me uncomfortable about the parents, and while we love them, I love my kids more and I have to make sure that they are in healthy places. To the little ones a firm no-go rules was implemented without significant explanation.

They took it well, and have compassion on the children, making sure to smile at them and wish them a nice day, as well as shmoozing with them but respecting the boundaries.

Emes is good, as appropriate for the age of the child.

amother

Thu, Nov 10 2022, 11:20 pm

Beingreal wrote:

Distract your daughter to be unavailable to go to this girl's house. Are they in the same class?

No, B"H. We have other wonderful neighbors her age that she used to be much closer to, but sometimes the girl down the block waits for us to come home from school and practically stalks my daughter to get her to play. No one else on the block is allowed to play with her in her house either and this girl convinces my daughter not to play with them either. My daughter is caught in the middle and it's very painful to watch her isolate herself from the other great neighbors.

amother

Red

Thu, Nov 10 2022, 11:54 pm

I’d be honest with my daughter. Is she savvy enough to understand?

You’d have to be careful and sensitive in regard to lashon hara, but you have to let your daughter know that you just don’t feel comfortable with ‘a, b, or c’ about the friend’s home. You can be vague if your daughter will get it, and also be sure that she wont go telling the neighbor what you said.

I’ve had similar (but not the same) situations, and I’ve been straight with my kids. They were bH pretty receptive.

amother

Crystal

Fri, Nov 11 2022, 3:02 am

My kids are slightly younger, but can you forbid her from going to that house? Explain to her that you are worried it's not a good/safe place for her to be, and she may not go there. She can be the girl's friend, but not play at her house. You can give her a prize/punishment maybe? What would you do if she wanted to go somewhere else that isn't good for her?

amother

Mocha

Fri, Nov 11 2022, 9:51 am

amother Burntblack wrote:

Poor kid though everyone is isolating her.

She said she invited the kid to play at her house, she just doesn't want her kids going to the other house. I think that's a reasonable way to be kind and inclusive of others without risking your own child's safety which is literally your job as a parent.

Chayalle

Fri, Nov 11 2022, 10:00 am

amother Mocha wrote:

This is what I would do. I have found that friendships that are more one-sided (where you don't allow her to enter the other girl's home) often peter out after some time.

It's funny - years ago we had a neighbor who loved my DD as a playmate for her daughter (she was not the only one) and was always wanting DD to come play at their house, but did not allow her child to come to ours (she was very subtle about it but I'm not stupid). I suspect it started when she came to our house once and my (very harmless, sweet) SN brother was visiting. DD had plenty of reciprocal friendships and that one just naturally petered out, their loss.

amother

Fri, Nov 11 2022, 1:30 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

My exact thoughts this is so awful. Why is every blacklisting this girl?

In my opinion, it just confirms our suspicions. The other families see something that we saw on our own as well. We only moved in a short time ago and these dynamics were in place long before we got here. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. Of course it's very sad for the girl, but this is the reason for the post. My daughter has even told us before that she was going to other neighbors, but I see her sneak away to the other girl's house. This girl is not a good influence and we are just okay with it, so stronger incentives to go elsewhere and boundaries about this friendship need to be put into place.

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Nov 11 2022, 3:07 pm

We had a family like this. Everyone knew not to go into their house. We were all in agreement on this. My kids themselves could see that there was a lot of dysfunction. I wonder why your daughter wants to go there. What is pulling her?

amother

Winterberry

Fri, Nov 11 2022, 3:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is there something unsafe about this house? Or she just wears nail polish or watches Disney movies.

amother

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 4:47 pm

amother Winterberry wrote:

Is there something unsafe about this house? Or she just wears nail polish or watches Disney movies.

No, I wear nail polish and my kids watch Disney movies and they're allowed in my house. I don't want to get into specifics as to protect the identity of the family, but the living situation is very atypical and the children are often left unsupervised even though there are many adults living in the house. We saw one of the men who is over 40 put his arm around my daughter as though she was his own right in front of us. We told her that no one is allowed to do that even if they're playing, but it's hard to know when someone is socially off but means well or if something nefarious is happening. We've also witnessed the other siblings display rude and disrespectful middos, but my daughter likes going because they have the fun toys and this girl practically stalks my daughter as I've said, so I guess she likes how that feels. Other girls knock for her all the time but it's slowly waning as she only wants to play with this other girl.

rofa

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 5:45 pm

If the actual friend seemed "ok" I would tell my daughter to invite her over to your house whenever she wants.

I would say something like "I love you and want to be around you to make sure you are safe and doing ok"

With an older child, you can briefly explain that each family has it's own rules, and this family has different rules than you do (this also explains why she can freely play at other neighbors who have similar lifestyles/rules) so they can play together in your house and follow your rules.

amother

Green

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 5:48 pm

amother Aquamarine wrote:

Just because a family unit may be “dysfunctional” (in quotes as it is just hearsay/LH to me at this point), doesn’t mean individual family members may not be nice or fun to hang out with. OP’s daughter is probably being pulled by simply enjoying the company of the other girl. It is terrible to ruin a budding friendship because people have collectively decided a family is “off” in some way. Avoiding said family is hardly going to improve matters for them is it…

amother

Green

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 5:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

I agree with the person over 40 - it is hard to tell if that is friendly or something more nefarious, but you have talked to her about this.

I have seen “rude and disrespectful middos” in children of the best families.

She likes this girl and the girl has fun toys. I don’t see why you are trying so hard to discourage a blossoming friendship.

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 11:53 am

amother Green wrote:

Because, unfortunately, by choosing only to go to this girl's house she is isolating herself from several other girls who want to play with her. She rejects them to their face when they come knocking, because the other girl doesn't want to play with them, and eventually they will stop knocking and write her off completely. What will happen on the days the other girl is busy, or is away for Shabbos and then my daughter has no one to play with? Why would anyone push their child to play with only one friend, ever? That's very unhealthy and can lead to extremely toxic and codependent behaviors.