Sheva brachos, what is normal in Lakewood

amother

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:01 pm

Dd is BH a kallah! Dh and I are originally from a different community than the one we live in now (Lakewood, yeshivish). Dh thinks we have to be there by all the sheva brachos. I told him I don’t think people do that here. From what I’ve seen the kallahs family makes Shabbos sheva brachos, then each side arranges some of the other sheva brachos (friends neighbors family, whoever offers to make). The kallah’s parents don’t go to the sheva brachos that the chosson’s side arranged. Which of us is right?

amother

Starflower

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:04 pm

Parents of the chosson and kallah definitely go to each sheva brachos, regardless of who arranges it.
It's your child(ren!) so it's only right that you show up. Not to mention, Dd will feel more secure and happy having her mother by her side at an unfamiliar sheva brachos.

I'm from Lakewood, but this is not Lakewood spicific.

ETA: Siblings of the chosson/kallah would also usually come to sheva brachos each night. You would confirm with the host that they are invited, but that is what's acceptable.

amother

Nasturtium

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:08 pm

Parents basically go to all. I’ve seen parents skip if there’s travel involved, small kids at home still, etc, but the parents are invited to all.

amother

DarkKhaki

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:09 pm

I went to all my daughter’s sheva brachos. I was told in advance if my other kids were invited. My family made Shabbos sheva brachos, but I extended invitations to people the Chosson’s
family wanted us to invite.

amother

Marigold

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:17 pm

I’m from OOT and my parents didn’t go to all. They couldn’t as they needed to travel home to prepare for shabbos sheva brachos.

amother

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:17 pm

Sorry I forgot to give enough details. The chosson’s family lives 8 hours away by car. Does that change your answer? I don’t want to drive that far after making a wedding and Shabbos sheva brachos!!!

amother

Chestnut

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yeah in that case you don't have to go to any that are there. Usually if it's up to 2 hours away then the parents go.

amother

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:25 pm

Ok thanks that’s what I thought based on what I’d seen people do here but wanted to check. Sorry original post wasn’t clear that the mechutanim live oot.

amother

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 9:32 pm

I really don’t think I can handle that drive on top of everything else with making a wedding. I work full time and it’s already going to be so stressful. BH.

amother

Marigold

Sat, Nov 12 2022, 10:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Definitely not. Your daughter will be fine iyh. I was. Opposite situation for me because dh is from Lakewood and my parents live OOT. But it amounts to the same thing.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Nov 13 2022, 5:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Sorry but your DH think it's a *must* to attend every SB with 8 hours of driving each direction?
It's not mentslich by any standards.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Nov 13 2022, 6:01 am

amother Starflower wrote:

I respectfully (buy strongly) disagree with you.
It's nice if parents can show up but please, a child shouldn't need her parents to feel secure at a SB! For heaven's sake, nobody's going to eat the kalla/chosson alive.
Parents need to teach their kids social skills when they are still at home.

amother

Thistle

Sun, Nov 13 2022, 7:00 am

My in-laws came to the US from out of the country for the wedding
They stayed for 1 month
They were here 10days before the wedding enough time to rest up.
Plus they were young
They would go shopping for there other daughter’s wedding all day, and then we’re too tired.
They did not show up to most of the Sheva Brochos
Still feel slighted
35 yrs later
Please try to make it

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Nov 13 2022, 7:03 am

NEWS FLASH: Sheva Brachot is *not* Halacha. It has never been Halacha and still people continue to treat it as if it is Halacha.

amother

DarkKhaki

Sun, Nov 13 2022, 7:06 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

NEWS FLASH: Sheva Brachot is *not* Halacha. It has never been Halacha and still people continue to treat it as if it is Halacha.

Despite your really useful pronouncement, people will still have them and there are social norms related to them.

amother

Begonia

Sun, Nov 13 2022, 7:06 am

Wouldn’t it be great if people would eliminate some? There is no chiyuv whatsoever in Halacha to have a Sheva brachos each night and by the end the endless speeches become a real burden. On the chosson and kallah. On the parents. On the attendees. No one wants to sit for yet another 2 1/2 hours on night 6 to hear a 20 minute rambling speech from a cousin or chavrusa about the chossons antics in his younger years or worse, off colored shviger jokes. NO ONE. Not to mention sometimes a real financial strain on siblings who are hard pressed to afford it. 2 or 3, maybe 4 total would be great for every one. Been there done that.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Nov 13 2022, 7:13 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Despite your really useful pronouncement, people will still have them and there are social norms related to them.

By all means if people wanted to arrange SB and attend I am all for it Smile

I have an issue when it becomes burdensome and a tircha. When it's not a joy but a must that has to be done because of social norms.