Hopelessly in debt from infertility, years later

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 2:03 pm

We are seriously struggling financially because we've accrued a lot of debt while we were dealing with infertility. Bh a million times over, we've been blessed with a beautiful family, bigger than we ever imagined possible (though not that big by community standards.) Yet, we're still in massive debt from all the money we paid to medical bills and then lived off credit cards.
Our combined income should be enough that a family our size should be able to manage with responsible budgeting. While we're so careful not to spend extras, I feel like we're always chasing our tail. We just can't dig ourselves out of debt.
We already Don't go on vacation, don't eat out, don't have new or nice cars. we accept hand me downs or buy on sale/from ali for kids. I haven't bought a new wig since I got married almost 15 years ago. I wear my clothes until they're really unwearable.

Recently, the situation has really become too much. Everything costs so so much. I feel like I'm drowning. I am trying to remind myself every day that hashem knows we're in this situation and he sends us everything we need. And I do believe it's true. But I still can't help but feel like living this life is causing me a huge amount of stress.

I'm working so hard not to let it have any impact on my shalom bayis because I know that whatever we have is what we're supposed to have. My kids keep asking me for things that I can't give them. Some of their requests are reasonable but I just can't do anything about it. I feel bad for them. I wish I can give them the world. but we have to pay tuition, the mortgage, the car, and the credit card bills.

I don't even know why I'm posting. We have food to eat, a house to live in, clothing to wear, a car to drive. We have jobs, we have health, we have children. I literally have everything and I'm just feeling so much stress over something so small. This too shall pass.

I think we're going to be ok I just needed to share that with someone.

Thanx for hearing me out.

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 2:08 pm

Hugs.
May this stage pass quickly!

lora

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 2:15 pm

that's tough. I dont know if your looking for advise but there are some official courses or personal counseling on financial management with loan repayment, helping you set up a plan where you can visualize reaching your financial stability goal. maybe that would be helpful.

amother

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 2:15 pm

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Hugs.
May this stage pass quickly!

Amen! Thank you!

amother

Crocus

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 2:21 pm

Can you get on any tzedakah programs —there are programs that help with clothes and food and even some extras for the kids. And try mesilah or another financial advisor so you have a plan for paying down the debt.

amother

Midnight

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 2:24 pm

How much debt are you in?

If you can borrow amounts from a Gemach and put the same amount to them as you would have to credit cards, you can save on interest and lower the debt quicker.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Nov 14 2022, 2:31 pm

This post scares me... We just had our second. COVID set us back financially, first few months of pregnancy we were barely managing. Yearly storage fees, meds, cycling fees. Bh dh business picked up, were renting, well need to buy soon (hopefully we will be able to).

I always wonder, will we have to say no more bec we can't pay for the treatments? We joke that we pay tuition before conceiving!

amother

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 12:01 am

Thank you for the suggestions. Has anyone used mesila successfully or know how I can find another reliable financial advisor (Lakewood)?

Interesting idea about borrowing money to repay debt. I'll run it by dh and see what he says.

Sorry amother dealing with infertility. We paid out tens of thousands of dollars to have a family. I don't regret a penny. It's been a few years and we're still not past it since we're still having a hard time financially. I wish you better luck than us!

amother

Stone

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 12:56 am

Most credit card companies will negotiate for pennies on the dollar if you are behind on payments. Sometimes (rarely) bankruptcy is worth it and can give you a fresh start. If you have a huge amount of unsecured debt you should be speaking to a credit card debt consultant about your options.

amother

Linen

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 1:02 am

I could have written your post-word for word. Even to the amount of years married. BH a million times over that we have children and still looking to save up and pay again, but I’m basically looking at it as doing whatever I can during years in which we can do the treatment and catching more quickly after. Working toward catching up now-but doing it slower at this point. Infertility really costs! But so glad some cycles worked and worth every penny. Just saying that-I feel you!

Roots

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 1:35 am

your post was very eye opening
you sound like a very special person
just try to take it by the day
as shlomo hamelech said גם זה יעבור this too shall pass
may Hashem give you the menuchas hanefesh and yeshuv hadaas to pass this stage of life

amother

Aqua

Tue, Nov 15 2022, 4:11 am

Please post a chesed fund link. Maybe some members here can help a bit.

amother

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:44 pm

amother Stone wrote:

Would you happen to know how I can go about negotiating with credit card company? I'm not behind on payment but I'm only able to (just barely) pay the minimum payment.

amother

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:44 pm

Roots wrote:

Amen! Thank you for the encouragement!

amother

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:46 pm

amother Linen wrote:

Thank you for your empathy! I'm sorry you're in the same predicament. I just feel like infertility wasn't just about those years when we were ttc. Sometimes I feel like it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

amother

Navyblue

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

Would you happen to know how I can go about negotiating with credit card company? I'm not behind on payment but I'm only able to (just barely) pay the minimum payment.

there's a company called 2.0 that deals with this. They lower cc debt and help you with a payment plan. (718) 287-1515

amother

Crocus

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:58 pm

That’s a great point-definitely find someone to negotiate with the credit companies on your behalf to whittle down what’s owed. A huge chunk of your balance is interest so they will be willing to negotiate when pushed.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 1:58 pm

I've dealt with something similar. I had to use a credit card for IVF and then another unexpected expense. I ended up taking a 3 year loan from a gemach to repay my credit card debt. The amount I pay to the gemach per month ends up being the same as the minimum payments for the credit cards. This way after 3 years your debt free and didn't throw out all that money to interest.

amother

Dimgray

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 8:49 am

Bonei Olam has programs for helping people manage debt from infertility. I don't know if these apply after the debt has occurred, but you could try contacting them.
https://www.boneiolam.org/services

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