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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
Should an adult child living at home contribute financially?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 1:58 pm
DC, 25+, gainfully employed, is still single and living at home.

he/she is MO, and many of his/her friends live independently in one of the single communities in the City. DC lives at home because it is cheaper that way (no rent, utility bills or food expenses), and it allows him/her to save towards the future. DC pays for own clothing, dates etc, and helps with a certain, small monthly bill, but I feel that it is not enough.

DH has always been struggling financially, and recently dealing with some health issues which means taking off from work for doctor appointments etc. I am the main provider, but I work for myself and don't have a set salary. The impact of the inflation on my industry is quite palpable, and although B"H I'm still doing OK, my take home earnings have taken a dip in recent months. I discussed with DH the possibility of DC doing more to help the family both because of necessity, but also because I feel it is the right thing, and that we are doing DC a disservice by not setting realistic expectations to be a contributing member of the family. DH does not think it is right to expect DC to contribute financially, but I disagree with his view on that.

Other than financially, DC is too busy at work /study to help around with most household tasks, although he/she would help with specific tasks if asked to.

What do you think should be the financial expectations (if any) from an older single, still living at home who has a steady, solid income?
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 1:59 pm
She should pay for her own clothes and recreation
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amother
Impatiens


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:00 pm
amother OP wrote:
DC, 25+, gainfully employed, is still single and living at home.

he/she is MO, and many of his/her friends live independently in one of the single communities in the City. DC lives at home because it is cheaper that way (no rent, utility bills or food expenses), and it allows him/her to save towards the future. DC pays for own clothing, dates etc, and helps with a certain, small monthly bill, but I feel that it is not enough.

DH has always been struggling financially, and recently dealing with some health issues which means taking off from work for doctor appointments etc. I am the main provider, but I work for myself and don't have a set salary. The impact of the inflation on my industry is quite palpable, and although B"H I'm still doing OK, my take home earnings have taken a dip in recent months. I discussed with DH the possibility of DC doing more to help the family both because of necessity, but also because I feel it is the right thing, and that we are doing DC a disservice by not setting realistic expectations to be a contributing member of the family. DH does not think it is right to expect DC to contribute financially, but I disagree with his view on that.

Other than financially, DC is too busy at work /study to help around with most household tasks, although he/she would help with specific tasks if asked to.

What do you think should be the financial expectations (if any) from an older single, still living at home who has a steady, solid income?


Why are you so intent on covering up the gender of the child?
Something unhealthy here
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amother
Yarrow


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:01 pm
I agree that DC should pay clothes, gas, recreation, phone bill etc but that's it.
As a gesture DC can buy drinks for Shabbos or wine for Shabbos , a piece of meat for yt....you can gently suggest .
to me if he/she is saving the money for a down payment that's great....if he/she were traveling a lot, splurging a ton etc, maybe I would ask for a couple hundred dollars a mth but if it's being saved that's great.
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amother
Maize


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:03 pm
What bills are higher because they live with you. Id assume groceries and utilities. They should chip in for those.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:03 pm
amother Impatiens wrote:
Why are you so intent on covering up the gender of the child?
Something unhealthy here


Just trying to protect my privacy and not out myself. Nothing more than that.
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amother
Feverfew


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:05 pm
No. They are still your child. And you are the parent.
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Rappel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:06 pm
Are you worried that your child is not a giver?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:07 pm
amother Yarrow wrote:
I agree that DC should pay clothes, gas, recreation, phone bill etc but that's it.
As a gesture DC can buy drinks for Shabbos or wine for Shabbos , a piece of meat for yt....you can gently suggest .
to me if he/she is saving the money for a down payment that's great....if he/she were traveling a lot, splurging a ton etc, maybe I would ask for a couple hundred dollars a mth but if it's being saved that's great.


Saving most of it towards a house, which is great. But I sometimes feel the only reason DC did not move out is so that they don't have to pay for things, and it can make me feel a bit resentful when the cost of life is so high, and we are struggling.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:09 pm
amother Maize wrote:
What bills are higher because they live with you. Id assume groceries and utilities. They should chip in for those.


Yes, both. And sometimes we run out of things quicker because DC uses a lot, and it is a pain to have to go to the store again and buy more (and pay for it).
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Cookin4days




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:10 pm
amother OP wrote:
DC, 25+, gainfully employed, is still single and living at home.

he/she is MO, and many of his/her friends live independently in one of the single communities in the City. DC lives at home because it is cheaper that way (no rent, utility bills or food expenses), and it allows him/her to save towards the future. DC pays for own clothing, dates etc, and helps with a certain, small monthly bill, but I feel that it is not enough.

DH has always been struggling financially, and recently dealing with some health issues which means taking off from work for doctor appointments etc. I am the main provider, but I work for myself and don't have a set salary. The impact of the inflation on my industry is quite palpable, and although B"H I'm still doing OK, my take home earnings have taken a dip in recent months. I discussed with DH the possibility of DC doing more to help the family both because of necessity, but also because I feel it is the right thing, and that we are doing DC a disservice by not setting realistic expectations to be a contributing member of the family. DH does not think it is right to expect DC to contribute financially, but I disagree with his view on that.

Other than financially, DC is too busy at work /study to help around with most household tasks, although he/she would help with specific tasks if asked to.

What do you think should be the financial expectations (if any) from an older single, still living at home who has a steady, solid income?


I feel like this is an excuse to justify asking dc to help, while I can't answer your question I think speak it out with your child and don't force anything, have an open conversation see what dc says... also if dc wasn't living at home would your bills be any different?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:12 pm
Rappel wrote:
Are you worried that your child is not a giver?


Yes, I am worried about that, and that it may come up once married too. DC has made many strides towards becoming less selfish and more giving over the years (much of it because we had many talks and worked on this), but it is still not DC's innate tendency.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:15 pm
I think you should have a discussion with your child.

Many people don't charge their non-minor children rent and food costs if they don't need the money. Others who do need the money might charge a small amount based on how much it actually costs to keep them in the home - I doubt that housing expenses are higher - the only variable would be food expenses.

Many people who need the money do charge the adult children. The amount is generally lower than what it would cost them to rent elsewhere. This is especially true in a place like NYC where rents are so unaffordable for young adults.

Also it could depend on whether the child is actually saving the money or using the "windfall" from not paying rent and utilities on fun stuff.

I lived with my parents for a bit more than a year when I was working and they charged me a small amount. They didn't need the money. However, they actually gave it back to me when I needed a car so it was their way of making sure that I actually saved some of my salary.
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:15 pm
If your child is working for a living, then he/she should definitely contribute financially. Anything that you are paying for due to the fact that they are living there, they should pay for. So rent? no. Food? absolutely. I'm not saying penny pinch and make them pay their part of the utility bills, but their food, clothes, entertainment etc. should definitely be their responsibility. They will save so much money on rent. That's enough. No need take advantage of his/her parents.
My 21 ds has a job and shares an apartment with 3 others. I dont pay for anything except for the $10 that's his part of our cell phone family plan. (I could make him pay it but that would seem penny pinching.) He pays for transportation to us when he visits and everything else.
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:17 pm
amother OP wrote:
Yes, both. And sometimes we run out of things quicker because DC uses a lot, and it is a pain to have to go to the store again and buy more (and pay for it).


DC should definitely make trips to the store on behalf of the family.

Bottom line is, his living at home should not cost you and your dh more than a minimal amount of money.
The End.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:22 pm
How would you cover all expenses if your child moved out or got married? He pays his basic expenses, which is good and appropriate. He's saving for a down payment, which is a responsible thing to do.
Of course, if you really can't manage without, you should ask him to contribute. Otherwise, I wouldn't.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:23 pm
Many adults this age Kay their own rent.
My children do.
If they live at home, a realistic amount might be something you discussed with them.
Half of it you use and the other half you gift back later on.
Let’s say My kids spend over $600 in monthly rent.
I’d ‘charge’ $300 and only use $150.
A responsible young adult should definitely contribute. My brother pays many utility bills to my parents. His reasoning is, I earn, I contribute. My luxury can’t be on my parents cheshbon. Yes he’s obviously a very mentchlich older single guy
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:23 pm
amother Yarrow wrote:
I agree that DC should pay clothes, gas, recreation, phone bill etc but that's it.
As a gesture DC can buy drinks for Shabbos or wine for Shabbos , a piece of meat for yt....you can gently suggest .
to me if he/she is saving the money for a down payment that's great....if he/she were traveling a lot, splurging a ton etc, maybe I would ask for a couple hundred dollars a mth but if it's being saved that's great.


It's not the parents responsibility to pay towards their dc's house. And that is what is happening here.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:25 pm
amother OP wrote:
Yes, I am worried about that, and that it may come up once married too. DC has made many strides towards becoming less selfish and more giving over the years (much of it because we had many talks and worked on this), but it is still not DC's innate tendency.

How would you insisting on his giving you money help him become more of a giver?
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Wed, Nov 16 2022, 2:26 pm
chestnut wrote:
How would you cover all expenses if your child moved out or got married? He pays his basic expenses, which is good and appropriate. He's saving for a down payment, which is a responsible thing to do.
Of course, if you really can't manage without, you should ask him to contribute. Otherwise, I wouldn't.


Ofc the parents shouldnt come out ahead if their adult, working child lives at home. That fact shouldnt be a money maker for them. But they shouldn't lose out financially either. They've done their duty and more. The dc is 25 for goodness sake.
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