Child absolutely refuses to make bm on the toilet

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Forum -> Children's Health -> Toilet Training

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Ima2

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:21 am

long story coming!

my 3 yr old dd, is absolutely terrified to make bm on the toilet. it all started out well when 1st toilet training, she even made a bm a few times on the toilet without an issue. 1 time, it hurt her making a bm and from then on she was afraid. I let her make in the diaper, but then it got really irritating, b/c she'd ask me for a diaper and I'd give her one and then she wouldn't make. sometime yes, sometimes, no and then it was diaper on/diaper off all day long. then she'd make pish in the diaper as well, so this clearly wasn't working. on sukkos, I said enough. after sukkos, no more diapers for bm. that's when this all went downhill. she was upset about it, but she did make on the toilet 3 times within 2 weeks after sukkos, but since then, she's been holding it in. like days would go by without making and I thought, this isn't healthy for her, so I spoke to her dr. she told me to give her a children's laxative to help her make in the toilet, to soften her stool and make it easier for her to make on the toilet. but she was still refusing. using any opportunity for a diaper to make a bm in. she's still in diapers at night and for a nap and she would make then. so the dr said to give her so much that she'd have to make and can't hold it in anymore. so we did. I just got her from gan b/c she pooped 2 times in gan so much that I had to come get her. if the laxative is making her go so much she can't hold it in, but is in gan, then it's not going to work. but if we don't give her enough, it doesn't force her to make on the toilet cuz she can hold it in. the mood in the house is very negative and I try not to make a deal out of it, but lemaaseh, it happens. what should I do now?! 1) keep her home from gan for a week or so and pump her full of the laxative so she has to make at home and show her that it is ok to make on the toilet or 2) give her diapers for now and wait for her to grow out of it. this option will make the mood in the house much lighter and is def the easiest. but I just don't want to make a big deal out of this and make the mood tense. I feel like she'll just grow out of this at some point

what do you guys think?

amother

Mint

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:32 am

I let my DS do it in the diaper always. He had issues with constipation and the last thing I wanted was to add any stress to rhe situation. He was 4 when he finally stopped asking for diapers and going to the toilet on his own... I know it sounds crazy but poop anxiety is real...and all good now. I'd leave her alone...

salt

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:34 am

NO don't give her an overdose of laxatives!!
Just put a diaper on her and let her do it in a diaper.
Can you use pullups, then she can put them on herself when she needs? Then you won't need to be the one putting on and off the whole time.

I had exactly this with my DD. I let her wear a diaper for BMs until she was ready. (admittedly, this was after making many mistakes with toilet training my oldest son 10 years earlier!)

She knew she had a big prize waiting for her in the cupboard (that she chose) for when she's ready to do in the bathroom.

weasley

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 3:49 am

Talking from someone with too much experience in this area!

The most important thing right now is for her to feel safe and okay doing a bm. Knce she's achieved that, it's just one step away from being able to try on the toilet but if she doesn't feel safe doing a bm you are 10 steps away from her going on the toilet.

So if she's okay doing it in a pull up - great! If she needs laxatives AND a pull up to feel safe then that's exactly what you should do for her. The aim is for her to feel okay with doing a bm.

Ima2

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 4:48 am

she's ok with making a bm. just not in the toilet. I don't want to regress back to diapers. on the 1 hand, we can push this further and give her the laxative and keep her home and perhaps solve the issue. or going back to diapers. we had 1 child like this with pee. it was a nightmare and she was kicked out of school at the age of 4 cuz she wouldn't go to the bathroom in school and have accidents. at home she was ok. but here, she's not ok anywhere but the diaper. so I feel like she may just outgrow it, but maybe we are just feeding into her fear and she won't overcome it and we are not helping her in the end.

amother

Hawthorn

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 5:04 am

Another way to do this give a diaper but they need to be in the bathroom while wearing it. After a bit you say they need to sit on the toilet while wearing the diaper. Then after a bit you cut a hole in the diaper so that they feel they are wearing it but it falls in the toilet. You show them it in the toilet and they realize it’s not a big deal. And then they are ready to go straight on the toilet.

Another option get a separate potty. It often feels safer and kids feel more comfortable using it than a toilet. And then you transition to a toilet after why get the hang of going on a steady basis.

amother

Blush

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 5:20 am

DS is 4 and we are still dealing with this 🙄 He has total control but will not go on the toilet, no matter what the bribe. He has such anxiety.

Actually, a few times we’ve gotten him to go on the toilet, but then he goes right back to his pull-ups. I am so tired of wiping him. No advice, just sympathy.

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 5:33 am

It happened to my daughter. But it was different because she was born with hearing loss and while she was ready to potty train earlier I waited until she was 3.5 and gained some language and speech so she could communicate her bathroom needs.
The concept of poop was so hard for her because she never realized what it looked like so when she pooped in the toilet and saw it she thought it was some scary animal that was going to bite her or something. She was so scared of it that she held it in for days. I had to massage her belly and keep her sitting In the toilet so she has no choice and lets it out. When I added miralax to her milk it went smoother. I always flushed whatever came out right away so it doesn’t sit there scaring her. Until slowly she realized that it’s harmless and she got used to the idea. Miralax really was what helped the most because it made it smoother and unable to keep in for days.

Einikel

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 5:34 am

Give it time. It took my daughter a while though she never had accidents in school. Bh she’s all trained now.

amother

NeonGreen

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 6:47 am

My dd was terrified at 3.

Two things helped up:
- A small potty. Less scary for her than the big toilet. But still somewhat scary and on its own was not enough so we also. . .
- Gave her ice cream every single time she made a BM in the potty or toilet. Every time. If we were out of the house, she got it when we got home (sometimes with a substitute like little chocolates right away when we were out because she needed an immediate reward to be motivated, and then ice cream later). Within a day or two she was making in the potty every time. Once she was comfortable with that, within a few weeks, we moved to the toilet with zero issue.

Also, holding it in can cause real medical problems, so if the choice is holding it in or diaper, choose diaper to prevent long term bathroom and health issues later.

amother

Green

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 8:19 am

amother Hawthorn wrote:

I tried the first method with my son. It didn't work. He was fine going #2 with a diaper on while sitting on the little toilet, but as soon as there was a hole cut in the diaper, he refused just as he would with no diaper.

Sorry, no solution here. My son is 3.5 and he still requests diapers for #2 and we let him. At preschool he just doesn't do #2, so no accidents.

amother

Arcticblue

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 8:48 am

Is she on the regular toilet or a potty? I find it makes a huge difference, a potty is not so scary.

salt

Mon, Nov 21 2022, 11:17 pm

Giving her laxatives will not make her do a bm easily and therefore see that it's all ok.
It will make her more scared as she will not be in control. She may even have an accident (depending on how high a dose you give her).
That won't help.

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