My teen son is probably on the spectrum. Can I help him?

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Tomato

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:02 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m also expecting to get great suggestions when the time comes.
I wonder if I’ll know what type of girl to look out for. Are there any girls who appreciate such boys? It’s too early for me to worry but I definitely think about it a lot.

I as his mother want to make sure that he lives a life with someone that doesn't want to run from him.

Before he goes out on a date I want to know if the girl is a match with him based on how I know him not based on how everyone else knows him.

This might sound weird but I subconsciously constantly look around for girls that could potentially be a good match for him just so when the time comes I am able to tell shadchanim what type of girl I would like to be redt.

I hope this is helpful op. I know it took a lot from me to face this and become comfortable with the type of wife that he would be most successful with but I really want his marriage to be a success.

I hope you find clarity.

amother

Pewter

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:19 am

amother OP wrote:

Your posts were very reassuring throughout this thread.
Thank you.

Respectfully, she’s saying what you want to hear, but I think you need to try to address the issues and not just hand them over to an unsuspecting young girl.

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:21 am

amother Tomato wrote:

I as his mother want to make sure that he lives a life with someone that doesn't want to run from him.

Before he goes out on a date I want to know if the girl is a match with him based on how I know him not based on how everyone else knows him.

This might sound weird but I constantly look around for girls that could potentially be a good match for him just so when the time comes I am able to tell shadchanim what type of girl I would like to be redt.

I hope this is helpful op. I know it took a lot from me to face this and become comfortable with the type of wife that he would be most successful with but I really want his marriage to be a success.

I hope you find clarity.

Of course I’d only want him to find a wife who would be able to handle him. Would you share more specifically what type would match him? Even though he still has some time before he starts shidduchim I think about it a lot. Doesn’t every girl want an emotional connection with their DH? I guess only if she’s just like him she doesn’t.

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:25 am

amother Pewter wrote:

Respectfully, she’s saying what you want to hear, but I think you need to try to address the issues and not just hand them over to an unsuspecting young girl.

Where did you see that my goal is to hand them over to an unsuspecting young girl?
I’m not sure what I’ll do when he’ll be in shidduchim but I definitely won’t encourage a match where I feel she’ll be unhappy with his personality.
I’m also not sure that he can be changed, or fixed.
Like a pp said we’ll have to find him a match where she will appreciate him for what he is.

amother

DarkViolet

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:45 am

amother Pewter wrote:

Respectfully, she’s saying what you want to hear, but I think you need to try to address the issues and not just hand them over to an unsuspecting young girl.

Respectfully, I meant what I said, as someone married to someone with Asperger's. How he is is good for ME, but I get that it doesn't work for everyone. I like having a very rational intellectual type of person who is not prone to being very emotional. We understand each other as very logical people. Some things I know even my SIL and MIL don't understand about him, but I do. And that's really what I meant. My words here are my experience and not meant to make OP feel better, even though it did. Marriage is not one size fits all, what is good for you is not for me and vice versa.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 10:52 am

amother OP wrote:

You’re ignoring the true difficulty and instead fixate on the “rigidity”. The difficulty, as poses in your original thread, are his relationships with friends or lack thereof. That’s your biggest indicator that something is amiss. And will likely be a problem. (You’re saying he has friends but all he talks to them about are facts)

I have a therapist that specifically works on improving relationship skills for my son, and I got him to go by explaining that this guy will help him make better friends.

You’re pretending that the shidduch system allows for two people to really get to know one another before they get married, so that they can make sure it’s a match. It doesn’t.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 11:03 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

It's more than that, he needs to be able to date and by that, carry on a conversation with typical give and take. If his typical phone call is as described to a friend in a previous post, how is he going to manage with taking a girl out somewhere and having a regular social conversation? Even a girl who will do well with a very structured, orderly sort of husband is probably not going to agree to a second date with a boy if he is abrupt and just asking yes or no questions and it's a very stilted conversation etc.

(Unless op is talking b'show dating style? It's more formal, I guess, maybe a bit of stiltedness won't seem so out of place?)

Because in the shidduch dating world, getting great suggestions means nothing if you can't get past the first date. And from what I hear from shadchanim friends, a guy who is lacking these sort of social navigation skills really struggles with getting past a first date. It's better not to wait till he's floundering to get him the support he needs.

amother

Wandflower

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 11:10 am

imasinger wrote:

There is no empirical evidence that autism can be "healed" with homeopathy.

But it's also not yet apparent that this is autism.

OP, one really important question is this -- are there things that he is really good at (particularly with regard to memory), and other areas where he has comparatively huge deficits? The uneven profile is an important indicator for ASD.

Another is the ability to understand social convention, and make friends.

Whether or not he would get a diagnosis, you can still read up on HFA, and see what tips and tricks might benefit him, if any.

Homeopathy doesn’t care if the symptoms match the checklist we call asd or not. If there are symptoms, asd can help.

As for empirical evidence, there is very little of that for *any* treatment or therapy for asd or asd-like symptoms. Therapies are very, very limited, at any age, and especially for an 18 year old that is resistant.

I’m not married to homeopathy or anything, I just threw it out there because it’s inexpensive, easy to administer and may be helpful. Iow, can hardly hurt.

amother

Tomato

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 11:28 am

amother cornflower wrote:

I believe that this is the point at which he will agree to go for help.

The previous poster that was able to convince her son to go to a therapist for more friends is very lucky.

Friends for the sake of friends don't mean a lot to my son.
Being normal does mean a lot to him so if he won't be able to get dates he will agree to go for help because he wants to be normal and fit into society.

Getting dates, getting married and ultimately staying married is what most of his society does so it will be a push to get help.

Also, he can have a conversation for a very long time if it is a subject that fascinates him.
He is very spiritual and loves esoteric subjects so if the girl and boy match then they will have what to talk.

In other words if they don't have what to talk it means they are not for each other.

It doesn't scare me what shadchanim say. If I were digging my head in the sand and trying to get a regular girl for him then yes it would bother me.

Here I am not even attempting to get the type of girl that will not click well with him. I am intentional about what I am looking for and will do more research than I would do for a regular child.

No, he will not be the guy that is full of personality and charm and captivates you on a first date. I am looking for a girl that matches that.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:14 pm

My son is very lightly on the spectrum. For a child that doesn’t even care if they have friends, that’s another animal.

I also found that using a therapist that does zoom and role-plays various situations is way easier than some guy who talks at you in session. Zoom is an easier commitment.

LovesHashem

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Women that have been through trauma, neglect, abuse etc often really find comfort with a man who is autistic.

Autistic people are feircly loyal, honest, open, don't lie, tell it as it is, and love routines and enjoying the same things over and over again - all which can be really grounding and calming for someone who has lived a life of alot of unpredictability and fear.

amother

Tomato

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:22 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

He needs 'a' friend. Not more friends.
He needs a friend to learn with or go to yeshiva functions and that's what he has.

The prize for therapy can't be more friends. It has to be something that he finds attractive.

If your son wants to be more social and have more friends then that alone is already a better starting point.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:25 pm

LovesHashem wrote:

So your advice for a man who has a hard time talking about anything is to marry a woman who is deeply broken by abuse?

amother

Latte

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:33 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

Also I want to point out that it’s hard to imagine him being a Baal middos yet getting bent out of shape when there are changes in plans or a bit of mess. I don’t mean to hurt you at all but it’s basically an oxymoron.

It's not a matter of midos, it's a matter of how you experience it. Everyone has a limit to what they can handle.

Chickensoupprof

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:37 pm

Well, he is a good ehrlich boy. As Loves Hashem says people with ASD have good qualities, ASD has the stigma of being not sensitive, cold, only factual, no empathy, and not good for love or relationships. This is really hurtful.

And you are also a person... I have traits in my personality that don't align with autism at all! If people are like ''oh people with autism are sooooooooo honest and to the point'' ehm... I can manipulate and micro managing some people really easily.
I can give love, and adoration to people and children.... working together in a cooperate world with time limets? No I can't.

Empathy I have, but I can't have empathy or sympathise with someone who will be discrimintory or whatever because that is not how I feel or view things so gtfu.

LovesHashem

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:42 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

So your advice for a man who has a hard time talking about anything is to marry a woman who is deeply broken by abuse?

Why do you assume everyone who has suffered abuse is deeply broken? I didn't say a man who has a hard time talking about anything - that literally has nothing to do with autism.

Regardless. Many types of people enjoy being married to someone autistic. This was just one example from what I've personally witnessed.

amother

Midnight

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 12:54 pm

OP he sounds like a wonderful person. He has so many maalos. I wouldn't worry so much. (I have a bunch of boy teenagers, some like this some like that.)
The phone conversation you wrote about is so typically male that it's not even a question.
He will learn to interact and communicate with his wife and children because he will want to, out of his loyalty and devotion. If they need a little marriage therapy, well show me a couple who doesn't.
Really, don't worry. The only thing I would speak to him about and see if he will practice, is flexibility. Tell him why it's important and how one can learn to be flexible. Give examples from your own life and you'll see he'll start to pick it up.
He can be flexible in an emergency, that's a great sign.

amother

Geranium

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:20 pm

MY DS just turned 18. I am currently having him evaluated. He too is very rigid and freaks out when his routine changes. I suspected it for years, never got a straight answer from his school . MY brother has Asperger's and unfortunately I have seen similar qualities.
My Ds currently has difficulty figuring out what to do with his life. I want a diagnosis if it will help him with his future. He must always be on health insurance do to his health.

nicole81

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:49 pm

Just FYI from something on the first page, he absolutely can qualify for a diagnosis even if it doesn't have a big impact on his day to day functioning. The standard assessment, the ADOS, asks a variety of questions, irrelevant of level of daily function, that form the basis for a diagnosis (or not).

amother

DarkViolet

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 8:33 pm

I feel like everyone is pressured to perfection in the frum world and anyone who doesn't fit the mold perfectly ends up being labeled as with ASD, ADHD and more.

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