I’m so done | Imamother

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I’m so done

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 5:21 am

My 13 year old literally drives me up the wall. He has severe adhd and possibly something else but every specialist has disagreed if/what that something is. I feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about how difficult life is with him. It’s so sad because it overshadows our love for him, it’s that strong. He literally walks through life not doing a single thing or definitely not doing it properly and then expects to be treated with the same privileges of a typical kid his age. He argues all day that he really did it or is amazing etc. I literally don’t feel well from our interactions. I’ve tried every program. All of them don’t work because he just doesn’t care. He thinks there is nothing wrong, when the reality is incredibly dysfunctional.

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe recommendations for camp that’s like a boot camp and won’t kick him out for not cooperating and make him cooperate in the tri state area. Maybe a yeshiva for high school? We are more to the right but not Yeshivish but at this point I’m willing to consider any type that helps us make him a mentch.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 5:27 am

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

You sound like a dedicated mother who is trying to help her son.

Please contact kesher Nafshi and have them guide you as to how to proceed through this situation.

Hatzlocha and continue to be strong.

amother

Raspberry

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 5:31 am

Are you sure you meant Kesher Nafshi, and not a different organization?
Kesher Nafshi helps parents of OTD children.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 5:51 am

Yes I am sure.

They will give you resources. This behavior if not treated properly leads to otd.

It’s a simple phone call.

You have all to gain and nothing to lose.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:11 am

Can you be a little more specific about his behaviors?

Would you be willing to pursue biomedical treatments like diet, supplements, herbs, homeopathy, body work etc? I’m going to guess there’s at least some level of brain inflammation going on.

amother

Begonia

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:14 am

Op, That's really hard! Raising neurodivergent children is tough!
As far as a school, he needs one that is willing to understand him and work with him to build the skills he needs. He doesn't want to do things poorly or not at all and have people upset at him. Children want to do well and please and he is likely doing the best he can with the skills he has right now. If he doesn't have insight into his weaknesses then to him he is no different than another child his age and likely feels penalized or put down when treated differently. It's a very fine line and a really hard one to juggle. It's really hard when understanding development that comes naturally to most children is lacking
The question right now is who can help identify what skills are lacking, provide understanding and support to both you and him and help him work to learn the skills. Tough love or boot camp isn't going to do that.

Rubies

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:42 am

I feel you!

Would it help your interactions if you view him as cognitively at the capabilities of age 9? Emotionally at age 7? Doesn't matter how brilliant he is.

amother

Freesia

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:50 am

Op, did you ever try the medication route? Sorry if I missed it in your post.

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:55 am

amother Periwinkle wrote:

I did. I spent thousands of dollars and 2 half days each week traveling to a specialist. I’ve really tried everything. Diet is very difficult bec he’s very uncooperative

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:56 am

amother Freesia wrote:

Op, did you ever try the medication route? Sorry if I missed it in your post.

This is ON medication! It’s even worse without. Can you imagine? He’s on 4 medications plus a vitamin supplement to help absorption. We have spent years and thousands and thousands of dollars on top doctors. So far this is the “best” cocktail, even though it’s really not great.

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 6:57 am

Rubies wrote:

I feel you!

Would it help your interactions if you view him as cognitively at the capabilities of age 9? Emotionally at age 7? Doesn't matter how brilliant he is.

Even my 5, 7, 9 year olds don’t act this way. They understand Seder and basically cooperate. It’s beyond and he expects to be treated like a 13 plus year old

amother

Freesia

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 7:01 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow. Maybe he needs a diff med? Did you work with psychologists or psychiatrists? Tried different meds? I don’t mean to question you, you probably did it all, I’m just trying to help.

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 7:02 am

amother Begonia wrote:

For one- basic hygiene. It’s literally gross to live with him. He’s dirty, losing his teeth, smells, number two on toilet seats etc.. he drops his stuff(even expensive that he begged for) on the floor, stuffed in closets etc. yesterday I asked him to take up his hanging white shirts. I found them on the hangers stuffed on his shelf. It was prob harder to get it to stay there than to just hang it on the rod.

His response- either- what’s the big deal or my bad. But no concept that’s it really a prob.

He walks around with food, no matter how many times I say no and drops it all over the house. His dirty hands touch all the doors, furniture etc.. my house was sparkling and all the kids ate and it stayed basically clean. When he was done- the floor, chairs, table, cabinets, floor near the counter, counter etc.. were filthy.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 7:02 am

amother OP wrote:

I did. I spent thousands of dollars and 2 half days each week traveling to a specialist. I’ve really tried everything. Diet is very difficult bec he’s very uncooperative

Hugs. Brain inflammation is a beast. Mad

What kind of specialist was it? If you’re interested in sharing specifics of what treatments you’ve tried/bouncing around some new ideas, I’m happy to try and help. Or if you want book recommendations, I’m happy to post links.

If you feel you’ve exhausted this route, feel free to ignore.

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 7:03 am

amother Freesia wrote:

Wow. Maybe he needs a diff med? Did you work with psychologists or psychiatrists? Tried different meds? I don’t mean to question you, you probably did it all, I’m just trying to help.

We have literally tried all of them. In combinations too. We have worked with now the 4th neurologist/psychiatrist etc.. that are all top in their fields that charge 500-1000 an hour

amother

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 7:04 am

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Hugs. Brain inflammation is a beast. Mad

We went to dr. Harry Schick

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 7:55 am

amother OP wrote:

OMG, this sounds exactly like my son a couple months younger. Drives the entire family insane and I resent that he is destroying my family and my marriage. Emotionally on the same level as a 3 year old, but wants to be treated like a privileged teenager. SO hard and SO unfair for my younger kids to see this. I know it will not end well. Sad

I’m so sorry, op, I have no advice at all, but maybe we can daven for each other. A million hugs for you and your family!

amother

Aqua

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 8:03 am

amother OP wrote:

We have literally tried all of them. In combinations too. We have worked with now the 4th neurologist/psychiatrist etc.. that are all top in their fields that charge 500-1000 an hour

Have you done a full in depth neuropsych eval?

Rubies

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 8:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Even my 5, 7, 9 year olds don’t act this way. They understand Seder and basically cooperate. It’s beyond and he expects to be treated like a 13 plus year old

Because he is 13. This is the craziness that comes from undeveloped parts in his brain but in a body that is 13 and the expectation he has to be treated as 13, and the expectation others have from him.

It's a combination that will drive anyone batty.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Nov 22 2022, 8:15 am

amother OP wrote:

We went to dr. Harry Schick

Not to beat a dead horse or anything, but there’s more that could be done. Totally understand if you feel spent, burnt out or broke. Just putting it out there.

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