How much PDA do you show in front of your kids?

amother

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:13 pm

My husband and I have had some major issues in our marriage over the last decade, some years are better than others, but in general I've never been such a touchy person or physically affectionate. My daughter made a comment when my husband touched my arm the other day that made us realize that she doesn't see us touch often, and that it might lead to some issues for her later.

My question is - how much touch or affection do you show around your kids, and why is it necessarily so important for them to see it? I can imagine it's stability and security but I'm curious what else.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:18 pm

We don’t touch in front of our kids besides handing over items and our kids know we have a stable loving respectful relationship. That’s the norm in most chassidish and yeshivish circles.
It’s the respect and care they need to see between the parents, not the physical touch.

amother

Winterberry

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:22 pm

I think kids should see parents hugging and giving light massages... high fiving, etc... dont think more is necessary or good imo

amother

DarkKhaki

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:30 pm

Yeshivish. My kids see us sleeping in the same bed and sitting against each other on the couch.
Basically that’s it.
(Altho that’s prob bec I’m not a super touchy person)

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:33 pm

JPF - my kids see us hugging and kissing (peck on the cheek type) I think it’s healthy for them. They also see me cry, laugh, get upset etc. I’m other words, a regular person with regular emotions.

amother

Catmint

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:36 pm

O.p. your daughter might feel there’s hostility between your DH and you so she’s commenting on the touch when she finally saw it.
Kids need to see a healthy relationship and public touch is just whatever is normal in your circles.
A relationship doesn’t begin and end with touch.
Kids won’t be healthier if they saw touch but no respect.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:45 pm

I think it’s important for sheltered kids to know that love isn’t a secular thing and Jewish couples love each other just as well.

We had so many posters comment how they would see non frum couples kiss and hug and thought it’s not something that frum people do.

I want my kids to know that love exists, kisses and hugs exist, sharing bed exists. The concept of intimacy is less foreign and the messages less mixed.

amother

Starflower

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 12:51 pm

Op, I don't think not seeing parents physical effection will negatively effect your child, especially since you're not the physical type. Like someone above wrote, it could be your child can feel tension between you & dh & is reacting to that.

amother

Crocus

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 1:17 pm

I think children can sense when their parents love each other. We don't really do PDA, we might nudge each other or touch on the arm when we want to talk. It is possible they may have spotted us kiss or hug when we didn't realize they were near, but we try to avoid it.
It's in your actions, the way you interact and talk to each other, and look at each other that says what you mean to each other, much more than showing it in PDA.

amother

Teal

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 1:48 pm

There are tens of threads about this on this site.
Dh and I hug in front of our kids, we hold hands in public, they see us give each other a peck on the cheek.
We share a bed and they come into our room. (Door is obviously locked when it needs to be)
We snuggle on the couch.
I feel it's very important for them to see us be appropriately affectionate.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 1:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Per our yeshivish Rav's advice, we show normal family type affection in front of our children (but not outside our home) such as giving a hug or a simple kiss. Just like we do to our own kids. Anything more suggestive is for our bedroom.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 1:59 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

. That’s the norm in most chassidish and yeshivish circles.
.

That is absolutely not true. Its definitely a shitta, but not the norm.

amother

Amber

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 2:00 pm

We show some regular pda. Nothing suggestive. We wouldn't kiss on the lips, but yes on the cheeks, yes a quick hug, yes sleeping and sitting together.

I think of myself as yeshivish. Dh thinks if himself as JPF. we're probably somewhere in the middle Very Happy

amother

Clover

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 2:04 pm

Lean on each other on the sofa and chat. Foot or hand or shoulder massage.

Hugs. Simple kiss. Maybe a brush or a touch.

Definitely more than an average yeshivish couple, but not more than I'm comfortable with my kids seeing.

Touch is a love language for both of us, so we'd be pretty stiff and awkward without it

Chaviv-A

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 2:06 pm

No PDA for us other than light taps on the shoulder or arm. We share smiles very often, greet each other warmly and joke around a lot. We don't believe kids need to see us touch to think we have a good relationship. Once while driving with the kids in the car, we both turned and gave each other a warm smile, my son started giggling. No pda, he saw our love and that's what counts. It's confusing enough to kids when they see parents not handing each other things while nidda. I'm not going to confuse them more. They'll learn in good time about privacy and how everything has its place including hugging kissing and sharing beds.

amother

Iris

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 2:26 pm

I grew up with parents who never showed any affection. To anyone. Except by a Simcha when hugs and pecks on the cheek were exchanged. I think everyone is different. We hold hands because we like to. My husband grew up with that. Sit next to each other on the couch sometimes an arm around the shoulder. Do we hug? Kiss? No. I do hug my kids when they want it. I never considered physical touch to be a frumkeit issue. My siblings don't appreciate physical contact either and don't seem to give it to their kids. There are other ways to show love and respect.

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 2:31 pm

Jpf.
DH will sometimes put an arm around me or equivalent affection. "Pda" like hugs and kisses we'll often do where the kids can see but not in front of their faces. For example in the kitchen when they're in the adjacent dining room. I think it's crass to do these things literally in front of people, but I want them to know that physical affection is a normal positive thing between spouses. So they're likely to see it out of the corner of their eyes or know it's happening or walk in on dh greeting me with a kiss when he gets home, but not enough to make anyone go "eww"

amother

Snapdragon

Sun, Nov 27 2022, 7:37 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

That is absolutely not true. Its definitely a shitta, but not the norm.

Are we going to have this fight AGAIN? U do ur thing. She will do her thing. Ur obv not in the same yeshivish/chassidish circles as she is. Nextt

gottago

Wed, Dec 21 2022, 8:19 pm

Our rule is anything that we do with our kids, we do in front of our kids. So hugs, pecks on cheeks, holding hands, sitting close on the couch...

We're yeshivish and don't do any of that in public.

amother

Daffodil

Wed, Dec 21 2022, 9:06 pm

I once heard that whatever you would feel comfortable seeing your young child do when they are playing house you should do in front of the kids and the other way. Like you prob wouldn’t feel comfortable seeing your kid kiss her friends on the lips so don’t do that. But hugs and regular kisses ok