If your parents are rich or well off

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 8:09 am

wantavaca wrote:

Throw tomatoes at me if you want but I think it’s disgusting that parents have loads of money sitting and roasting and toasting in the bank while their kids are relying on tomchei shabbos.

No they are not “obligated” whatever
Disgusting

There is always a middle ground to be had.
If it was me I would set up a monthly amount to go out to each kid depending on what would help them but not stunt them.

My goodness. Uch.

I won't throw tomatoes, I just don't have ANY alive parents, so I can't really relate to this " I am uspet girl" thing. And don't expect the world to take care of me, bc none owes me anything, this is life. Some people mature faster than others bc of their life circumstances. I probably also would be upset, just don't have this option to feel these feelings, and make my living bh. Yes, you all are entitled. Lol.

amother

Wine

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 8:18 am

amother Copper wrote:

Um, I don't either have any live parents, and I completely agree with wantavaca. I'm not sure why I can't weigh in with my opinion on the topic even though this is not my current reality. Nobody is entitled, but if a child is struggling and there is loads of money just collecting dust in the bank, something is wrong. It's not about entitlement or just sitting back and waiting for money to come their way, its about genuine need.

Do you also see tzedakah recipients as "entitled"?

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 8:34 am

amother Wine wrote:

People might have a genuine need, but that's a whole point of it-not to expect your needs to be fulfilled by others once you are adult. I also have many needs, but I would not think of blaming others for not being there for me if I am healthy, capable,mature person. Are you a fan of Mesila/ever read their articles? Maybe parents don't consider giving money "help",maybe they worked hard and expect kids to work hard, maybe they don't think giving money is a long term solution. Maybe they are harsh people, I don't know. But we also don't know why are people struggling, what they are doing to help themselves. I would like to hear those parents opinion as well.

And yes, I don't give tzedakah to anyone, only who I consider a real case. I would give to orphan, cancer patient, but not to someone who wants to live a lavish lifestyle l. I don't believe in Lakewood mentality(I'm in Lakewood) of poor people buying clothing in fancy stores to get illusion their life is okay, I just don't think I help long term,and I would like to help ppl long term gain their independence and self sufficiency.

amother

DarkGreen

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 8:52 am

amother Copper wrote:

And yes, I don't give tzedakah to anyone, only who I consider a real case. I would give to orphan, cancer patient, but not to someone who wants to live a lavish lifestyle l. I don't believe in Lakewood mentality(I'm in Lakewood) of poor people buying clothing in fancy stores to get illusion their life is okay, I just don't think I help long term,and I would like to help ppl long term gain their independence and self sufficiency.

Halacha doesn’t agree with you. The halacha is that you give family first. Your deciding who deserves tzedakah and who doesn’t shows a disregard for halacha.

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 8:59 am

amother DarkGreen wrote:

Halacha doesn’t agree with you. The halacha is that you give family first. Your deciding who deserves tzedakah and who doesn’t shows a disregard for halacha.

. You asked me if I find tzedakah recipients entitled. I answered that I don't give to some, when I dont find them to be a valid cause ,and I can decide where to allocate the tzedakah money, I don't talk about relatives -already told you that I don't have family. Not sure how it's disregard for halacha to give this organization and not that.

Tachless, we see from the thread, many people consider their parents money their own, count it and get upset that they don't have access to it. I pay my tuition myself, and it's hard, but I have none to hold accountable, so it's easier for me -its just hard. Someone looks at his tottys bank account and wonders -why he doesn't pay for me, bad guy. It must be hard to have so much resentment.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 9:02 am

My in-laws are pretty well off and when we got married they gave us the money they had set aside for my husband to go to college (my husband ended up learning in kollel so hadn't used the money).

We invested the money a bit and then 10 years down the line, my in-laws advised us to buy a house. The money covered a down payment but at the time we couldn't get a mortgage because of some paperwork issues.

But, my husband was working on getting a job, so my in-laws lent us the rest of the money and when my husband got a job, we were going to get a mortgage and repay them.

Fast forward 4 years, my husband has tried e/t under the sun to get a job (taken professional courses, followed up on every lead, had numerous interviews, has a certificate etc.) but nothing's working for him.

Recently, my in-laws have become extremely not nice about it. They want their money back, which I totally understand and agree with. The thing is they don't NEED the money at all, they just don't like the idea we owe it and their nudging has made my husband extremely depressed. He's put his all into getting a job and as it is his self-esteem is down the tubes because he can't find a job. His parent's comments have brought him to the point he's taking aspirin daily.

In an effort to get them off our backs, I told my in-laws that starting next month we'll pay them back $750/month. They were happy with that but don't realize that at the moment we are seriously going to struggle after giving them that amount.

And the problem is I agree with them - it's their money and their entitled to it no matter whether they need it or not. But they're seriously going to push my husband over the edge.

Anyways, point is, I think having wealthy parents doesn't help people.

amother

Clematis

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 9:19 am

amother Papaya wrote:

Papaya, I'm sorry that your parents are putting you through this stress, but I your situation your parents absolutely did help you and are currently helping you..

You would not be in a house right now without them and would almost certainly be paying over $750 a month had you gotten a mortgage.

You would be paying more than $750 a month in a small old Lakewood basement.

They are very having you pay less than half market rate for almost any housing.

I'm not sure how this is not "helping"?Because you expect them to provide 100%?

Life is tough and stressful and maybe they could be asking for it in a nicer way ( and actually nothing you're saying indicates that they're asking in a mean way).

...note,
If your house is too expensive for you and your resentful that your in laws encouraged you to buy. nothing is stopping you from selling it and pocketing the increase inhime value that you've certainly benefited from and going to live somewhere more modest...which will still cost more than $750.

Maybe if you do that they'll realize you seriously need tzadaka and give you more. But realize, you have been given A LOT, helped A LOT.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 9:40 am

amother Clematis wrote:

You're right - I absolutely agree with you. And we've set a deadline by when we'll sell our current house and move into a smaller apartment.
This might not be the right thread then, because they have been very helpful in that. We have absolutely no intention of them providing 100% and had no plan of that.
My MIL actually told my husband she doesn't want to talk to him until he gets a job and they keep insinuating he's sitting around doing nothing.
But I do agree this might not be the best story to add to add anything to the thread.

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 9:43 am

amother Papaya wrote:

smaller apartment will cost you three times more, maybe your in-laws are so uspet that they don't realize they cause more harm at this point. Maybe they can help with a job ,in a non judgemental way? I hope your hsuband finds a job really soon!

amother

Clematis

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 9:55 am

amother Papaya wrote:

Their attitude is more likely stressing your husband more than the money.

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

amother

Copper

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 10:01 am

amother Papaya wrote:

Also,just as idea. I am not sure if they want the lump sum payment back or monthly payments from you. But worst case scenario is to rent the house out (not sure where you are ) and maybe keep it. It probably went up a lot, a lot in value, and current mortgage rates are so bad to buy smth new. I would not go to extreme actions before making calculations and advising with someone. I don't know how much you owe them, but maybe (if the house is in your name) you can play other way and find solutions to keep the house. You won't probably help yourself much selling it if the value to rent is equal or higher than mortgage. So far this way you got an interest free loan. Maybe if your hsuabnd gets a job, they will agree to accept from you monthly mortgage repayments without interest (sounds like they want their son to be financially savy and stand for himself ,and If you come with a plan that benefits you, they will see that he understands something abt $ as well, and will agree to accepting monthly mortgage repayments for next,lest say, 25 yrs).

Now I will say smth not very great sounding, but I do work in business and business world is not straight or simple, it's a lot of emotional games. People do negotiate loans,some cannot pay their debts back ,etc. If your husband was in kollel, and in laws wanted him to be in college,and he took the $ for college, never went to college, and now doesn't give them back the $ he took for the college/house - they might be very upset. But ,if they are so money savy, once you make a good financial plan for yourself- they might agree to conditions less valuable for them. Even businesses do it (signing off debts), and they are his parents. It might be more about their emotions, not $ only, so seems to me (even though I don't know them) if he shows himself as a business guy to them, and not someone depressed and broken, they will back off. I hope it works, I am sure it might. I would not go and become even more miserable (like selling if it's not beneficial) bc of their pressure, it doesn't help your family.

wantavaca

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 4:41 pm

Everyone is busy with the word “entitled”
No one should feel entitled to their rich parents money AND at the same time parents shouldn’t act like cold selfish fish. Have a freakin heart.

Additionally, Jewish life is very expensive. One can help children with a certain amount of assistance per month and easily still leave a lot of room for them to be motivated to work hard and make it on their own. I’m not saying they should pay for cruises and full time help, I’m saying don’t let them drown! And maybe even be a little nice about it!!!

I don’t get people.

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 5:44 pm

I don't think my inlaws are extremely rich, but they do give a lot of tzedaka. I have no idea of their exact financial status, they have a medium sized successful business and spend very little on themselves. No vacations, simple house.

BH they do give us money from time to time. Nothing regular, but when we made a simcha, or were sending a child to seminary we were given nice amounts of money. But still, kah, we have.a bunch of kids and there was a time when we were very tight for money and asked a camp for a discount. The camp was shocked. Your father gives us so much money! they said.

My fil has a bunch of kids, I doubt he could 100% support all of them either way. I don't think he shouldn't be allowed to give tzedaka at all because he has kids.

Anyway, I don't think it is bad that we had to stand on our own feet. We were forced to figure out our own ways of making money and bh and we have done very well on our own.

At the same time it is mind boggling that some parents don't give anything to their kids if they can afford it. Why have kids if you are not interested in their welfare?

amother

Snapdragon

Thu, Dec 08 2022, 7:04 pm

Wow this is one of the most thought provoking threads I've read here in a long time.

My parents aren't wealthy, they're basically just making it (partially because there are some untreated mental health issues and because my father has no street smarts at all and has a very square view of finances) but they always say if they had money they would give. They supported my younger single brother for a while because he has untreated mental health issues and was out of a job for over a year but I think it was a strain on them financially. They buy toys and gifts for the kids every so often and paid for the catering at one of my kids brisim which was really unexpected.

My in laws are not frum, very very well off. They spend on things I don't understand but it's not my business. We don't expect any money from them, they give generous gifts like winter coats for the kids every year which is really nice. There's a culture difference though and often the clothes they buy for me or the kids aren't appropriate or don't make sense (like buying me a size 6 bodycon dress after not having seen me in 2 years and I gave birth twice in that time AND I was never a size 6 to begin with Laugh

)

We just bought a house and didn't get any financial help from either side but my in laws want to purchase some of the furniture we need, while I'm so grateful that they want to do that, they also want to choose it and we have very different styles and priorities so I could end up with furniture that totally doesn't work for my family and not even be able to replace it. It feels so ungrateful and childish to be upset about a gift but often their gifts make life more difficult than saving up and buying it ourselves.